Bachelorette Hannah Finale Recap: Four Times
I had to get that out. These two-part season finales with mysterious “I don’t know what will happen” teases are THE WORST. On a scale of one to Hannah, where do you come down on this opinion?
Oh yes, I went there, thanks to the gathering of individuals who watched the first part of Hannah’s journey to break hearts. Many of you are not happy campers that our girl dumped Peter and you took to social media to tell me about it.
This is entirely rude, and not ladylike at all, but I have to say I TOLD YOU SO. Look, I get that my perditions are correct about half the time, so I can understand why you may have rolled your eyes when emphatically droned on and on to Some Guy in Austin on the podcast how Peter was going home this rose ceremony.
Fact: He is in no way a “bad boy” and has absolutely zero rough edges. Sure he is wearing black when Our Host Chris Harrison interviews him on the hot seat, but I equate that wardrobe choice to funeral attire. He’s mourning his relationship with Hannah and the blackest of black Hugo-Boss-of-a-suit was the only way to process through his emotions on national television.
“Where did it all go wrong,” you may be asking yourself. Well, according to Hannah, everything in their relationship was perfect and easy. This is EXACTLY what Peter wants to hear. (Read that with a sarcastic font.)
Moreover, she pictured Peter as the reincarnation of the perfect guy. Her Ken doll, of course. Listen to your five-year-old self, Hannah. Second, please do not tell the guy you are dumping that he is perfect but just not for you. No one wants to hear that.
Oh the man tears. Peter holds it together until he gets to the rejection SUV. I think he would have made it all the way inside the vehicle before releasing the waterworks had Hannah not held him in a death grip for about a minute too long. He did a great job of telling her that she will always have a piece of his heart and that he doesn’t regret anything. Including the windmill.
Hannah melts down as Peter drives away. I figure this is partly because she’s horrified by her actions and partly because her outfit is certifiably terrible.
Watching the edited version of the break-up for the first time was hard for Peter. It was harder for his mother. Peter claims his family has been the best support system ever and I believe him. Barbara would literally tuck him back into her womb if she could.
Our Host wants to know when Peter knew he was really in love. Peter does not answer “when we were horizontal on the pool table” or “when we were horizontal on that bench in the weird sauna” and instead points to the fireworks in Latvia. Hare brings Hannah out to make the moment even more awkward.
Hannah looks great. She’s wearing a jewel tone blue off-the-shoulder dress, severe ponytail, and snowflake earrings. It’s a modern-day Elsa look and I like it. What I didn’t like was Peter’s mom blowing air kisses to almost future daughter-in-law.
Calm down, Barbara.
Hannah’s reasons for not picking Peter are predictable. She thought he was going to meet her family, but when she woke up that morning in Greece, she decided to follow her heart, which did not belong Peter.
Then she makes me VERY MAD by telling him that she wished she would have known he liked her earlier in the game. NO MA’AM, HANNAH. UNCOOL. She drones on about how her heart was broken, too, and that what they had was real.
Hannah: “After I wondered if I made the wrong decision by letting go of the perfect guy?”
Stranger in Studio Audience: “YOU DID.”
Harrison lightens the mood by reminding Ken and Elsa that no one from Bachelor Nation will ever look at a windmill the same. This is when Hannah comes clean. She lied about the now infamous number. Instead of windmilling twice, she and Peter windmilled FOUR times.
The events that unfolded after this revelation were chaotic. The studio audience loses their minds with gasps and pearl clutching. I dive behind my couch cushion and wait for my face to turn a normal shade. Luke P’s head explodes somewhere in a CrossFit gym. Our Host Chris Harrison stands and salutes Peter, while Barbara blows kisses to her son who is trying not to melt onto the floor out of embarrassment.
The Browns are in Greece and they are ready to meet the men of Hannah’s dreams. Robert and Susanne love their daughter and want to steer her in the right direction. The other four jokers are strangers who don’t merit an introduction. Deal with it.
Tyler is first and he nails it. Why? Because he takes his love and affection for Hannah and tells anyone with a pulse that he will cherish and protect her for the rest of his life. I’m also very proud of him for having the wherewithal to not wear his tightest of pants when meeting the parents.
He receives major props for knowing how to dance, as well as stepping up when his father fell ill. That dutiful call was quickly overshadowed when Hannah tells the entire gathering of people that they didn’t do the deed in the fantasy suite because Tyler respects her too much.
Okay, that’s halfway true. If you recall, Hannah tells Tyler that she will not be doing any sort of physical activity in the fantasy suite because she thinks they are physical enough. She needs to know if there’s more to him than his smoldering gaze and fit physique. Tyler simply agrees. The end.
When Tyler talks to Susanne, she tosses him a softball question and asks, “If you have an agreement with Hannah, are you going to talk it out or just hide it and not bring it up?” (Duh, Suze.) Tyler answers that he will talk it out and follows that statement up with forty-seven ways Susanne did a phenomenal job raising her daughter.
Robert takes a different tactic. He speaks to the boy he just met about his potential love life with his daughter and I am back behind the couch cushion. Robert thinks there is a time and place for love making and it needs to be more beautiful than a hook-up. Tyler agrees. He follows that statement up with forty-seven ways Robert did a phenomenal job raising his daughter.
Both mom and dad tell Hannah that it’s clear to anyone that Tyler loves her and his intentions are good. Hannah is pleased to get the green light from the Browns and the randos. She escorts Tyler to the Good-Bye SUV and tells him that she is falling in love. He is so happy. They make out for thirty minutes, sharing muffled “I love yous” between lip locks.
She blows him an air kiss as he walks off. A trait she learned from Peter’s mom.
Hooray! Jed is not in an earth-tone color! Ratty denim will have to do when meeting the parents and I’m okay with that. Hannah, on the other hand, is wearing a jewel tone blue kaftan. I call this one her Retired Elsa look.
Immediately Jed is slapped with a label. Instead of “aspiring musician,” it clearly and boldly reads “UNEMPLOYED.” Robert wants to know how Jed will provide for Hannah. What are his goals in life?
Although Jed does admit that providing for Hannah is his main priority, he doesn’t give any tangible ways how he will do this, other than songwriting. There was that dog food jingle he wrote. And he did move to Nashville to pursue his dreams. That has to count for something, right?
Jed doesn’t do much better with Susanne and it’s clear by his facial expression that he knows he is in the process of crashing and burning because he doesn’t have a 401(k). He tries to not take it personally when she says “hopefully you’ll make it big,” but the writing is on the wall.
Hannah eagerly sits down with her mother to hear her thoughts on Jed. We are shocked (read: we laugh) when Susanne leads with, “He has qualities.” #bless
Hannah’s face darkens and she launches into defense mode. Susanne starts crying and Hannah softens a bit. They cry and we watch as their makeup smears down their faces.
She’s not so gentle with her father. When he chastises Jed for not giving direct answers and praises “the other one” for being more direct, Hannah straight up rolls her eyes. By his hemming and hawing, Hannah can tell that Daddy Dear is not being straight with her and she wants to know what he’s holding back?
In a nutshell, Robert wants Hannah’s husband to provide for her and he’s not sure Jed is currently set up to do that. Hannah pushes back with, “I have talents and I’m going tome successful (SHOUT OUT TO FABFITFUN BOXES!)” Robert reminds her that the husband is the head of the house and has obligations, too.
PS: He doesn’t want Hannah to settle.
O-U-C-H. Tough blow, Jed.
Hannah picks up to go walk along the swimming pool edge that butts up against a dangerous-looking cliff. We see the outlining of her butt crack in the Elsa kaftan. It’s a sight to behold.
Jed finds her sipping pink wine, trying to make heads or tails of what just went down in the house. He’s not an idiot. He knows there is trouble in this Grecian paradise. He even encourages Hannah to let it all out. Pretend he is not in the equation. Just vent.
So she does. Guess what? Tyler’s date went very well. She has feelings for him. He was straightforward about everything and now she’s confused. Also, THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T DATE TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME.
Taking all of this information, Jed responds as maturely as possible in this scenario. He reminds her how he feels. He loves her. And he believes in her. He ends with, “Baby you know what we have” which will be the title of the first track on his debut album.
FINAL DATE WITH TYLER
The tight pants are back, which is super unfortunate, since Hannah is making Tyler ride a horse again. Probably the worst date ever for this guy, but he manages to both mount the horse and not fall off.
Their picnic is perfect. Hannah tells Tyler that he crushed the parent meeting. She even mentions that she didn’t have to defend him in any way, which is weird. He relays for the hundredth time that he is ready to get married and promises not to dress like James Dean on the big day.
She makes her way to his hotel room that night. We never see the scrapbook he crafted of their eight days together, but I’m sure it was there somewhere. Tyler daydreams about their marriage and how it will be kick ass. Little Timmy is there, too, ready to play football or soccer. Hannah’s ovaries nearly explode so they head to the bedroom where they get horizontal and grind for much longer than appropriate for network television.
FINAL DATE WITH JED
Bless her heart, Hannah takes Jed on a boat and she immediately gets sick. Is it the sea? Or is she pregnant with Peter’s baby? Time will tell.
Jed admits that he’s nervous. The week has been heavy on his heart and he straight up knows that her family hates him. He’s sad that her dad doesn’t believe in his music or their relationship.
Interesting. Has Jed forgotten that his mom and sister blatantly told Hannah that she should not be in Jed’s life? That he isn’t ready for marriage? That her relationship will be nothing but late-night bars and smoke-filled venues?
When Hannah visits Jed’s place, they sit solemnly and compare anxious thoughts. He does tell her that he can’t picture his life without her. She assures him that she supports his dreams because she’s a passionate person, too. They kiss and snuggle and stare into oblivion, wondering what tomorrow holds.
We wonder, too, because Hannah is back with Our Host Chris Harrison in the studio and has a message for the viewing audience. She lets us know that the last months have been “tough and emotional.” She wants us to know that even though there are rumors out there, she herself doesn’t know what will happen.
Hannah: “I have a lot of questions that need to be answered.”
Whhhhaaaattttttt???? I’m so excited, I can’t stand it.
Remember, this is a SPOILER FREE ZONE!