Bachelorette Hannah Recap: Luke Tells All-Ish
I’ve been watching this show long enough, and hopefully you’ve been reading this recap long enough, to know that the men and women telling all is my least favorite episode of the season. It’s always a let down, except for that one time when Jason pulled a Mesnick and said “just kidding” by switching from his final pick Melissa Rycroft to the runner-up Molly What’sHerName on national television.
Now that’s good TV.
This season’s Men Tell All fell on the boring side of the fence. First of all, I am slightly irritated that we were given the impression that a rose ceremony would be waiting for us at the top of the hour. Our Host Chris Harrison teases us with a promise that Luke might get punched in the face. That didn’t happen. Neither did the rose ceremony.
You’ll be happy to know that I’ve processed through my feelings by creating a mix tape.
“I’ll Be Loving You Forever” by New Kids on the Block
Harrison is a smoke show. He knows it, I know it, and we should all deal with it.
“What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes
And I say
HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH
HEY YEAH YEAH
I SAID HEY
WHAT’S GOING ON?
These lyrics, obviously, allude to Hannah’s ever-so-strange wardrobe choice. Her rose ceremony garment wants to be a less hookery, more sophisticated version of Vivian’s outfit in Pretty Woman.
I can use the word “hookery” since my mother used it in this podcast. You’re welcome, Internet.
Picture a splatter-painted crop-top/tank top attached at the abdomen to a long, slinky skirt. Can Hannah pull this off? Perhaps. She’s worn crazier patterns and wider shoulder pads this season, for sure. The icing on this 90s-inspired cake was the decision to put her hair in a bun on top of her head.
You’re thinking a messy top knot, right? Yeah, think again. It was more of a bun that Laura Ingalls Wilder’s schoolmarm would have worn on an average Tuesday. In order to fancy things up a bit, Hannah allowed two distinct tendrils to fall around her face. This was also a mistake.
“Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey
During his White Van Confessionals, Luke holds his phone in front of his face, confident that the plan unfolding before us is a good one. He is headed back to Hannah because he knows without a shadow of doubt that homegirl still loves him even though she’s never used those exact words. Details.
He walks into the rose ceremony courtyard area and takes a spot beside Jed as if he was invited. Why didn’t security stop him?
Dear reader, you’re cute. Security gave him the idea, fitted him for a suit, picked him up in the van at the appointed time, and gestured to the correct archway he should walk through.
The best part about this particular moment is that the other three guys have no idea that Hannah already kicked this chach off the show!
“Mr. Misunderstood” by Eric Church
When Hannah walks into the rose ceremony courtyard, we witness a range of emotions displayed on her face. There’s confusion that Luke is present. A little bit of shock bubbles up when it occurs to her that homeboy did not go back home. That dissolves into anger when she realizes he had the audacity to include himself in her current journey roster. Rage crackles in her eyes when he approaches the rose ceremony throne and asks for a private audience with her.
The back-and-forth dialog Hannah and Luke shared for ten minutes can be summed up in two phrases: “Go home,” and “I will not go until I have clarity.”
“My Lovin’ (No You’re Never Gonna Get It)” by En Vogue
I should point out that Peter and Tyler are cool as cucumbers, even though they don’t fully comprehend the train wreck crashing before their eyes. Jed mutters “thank you God” under his breath and gives up hope trying to control any sort of “WOO HOO” facial expression as Hannah repeatedly tells Luke to leave.
When Hannah reminds Luke that he shouldn’t need closure because she already sent him home, Tyler speaks up and questions his Boo: “Hannah? Did you send this brah home?”
Luke walks a tight line of “my heart deserves to be heard” and “this isn’t over for me.” I wait for the calvary to come in, yet no men step up to form a bulky human barrier between the psycho and 90s Hannah. I make a claim that the first man to approach Luke will be the winner.
Hannah takes matters into her own hands and physically picks up the Home Depot proposal pedestal holding two roses and walks it around Luke to prove that he is out of the picture when it comes to her future. The boys want to clap, but they can’t. This is serious stuff and Hannah is on the brink of a major meltdown.
“With a Little Help From My Friends” by The Beatles
I believe it’s Tyler who takes the initial first step toward Luke. Peter and Jed are not far behind. While Tyler and Jed get all up in Luke’s grill, insisting he “get the BLEEP out” and “BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEP” with some more BLEEPING, Peter carefully comforts Hannah who is freaking out.
Why did it take the boys so long to come to Hannah’s aid? Because they were afraid. Not until Our Host Chris Harrison made an appearance, raising a mindful eyebrow to one Mr. Luke did the other three know it was safe to approach the threat.
The part that made me roll my eyes was the fact that Luke asked to talk to her no less than a dozen times. She refused to go, so they sat there and sort of talked in front of everyone. It may not have been private, but Luke was still heard. Ugh.
“So Long, Farewell” from The Sound of Music
After announcing to the entire courtyard that Luke asked her with which contestants she had sexual relations, Hannah reaches her last nerve when Luke claims he has been misunderstood. He’s never judged nor condemned.
Harrison finally speaks and asks one simple question: “Hannah, what do you want?”
Uh, she wants the rejection SUV to actually take the chach to the airport and make sure he gets on the plane this time.
Luke throws one last Hail Mary and asks Hannah to look him in the eyes and tell him that she doesn’t have feelings for him. She does just that and Luke decides to “excuse himself.” Read: He was kicked out.
“Wishin’ And Hopin’” from My Best Friend’s Wedding
Our Host Chris Harrison takes great pleasure in pulling Hannah aside to make sure she’s okay, while simultaneously sharing that Luke had a ring in his pocket. He was ready to propose. He’s not saying Luke is a stalker, but if it looks like a beefcake and sounds like a moron, it probably is a stalker.
Meanwhile, the guys celebrate in a way that doesn’t translate that one of them is about to be cut. Absolutely no one cares. They are so happy that Luke is gone, they don’t even make time to rag on Jed for wearing a suit the color of maneaur.
“Bad Blood” by Taylor Swift
The next HOUR of the show is dedicated to Luke sitting in the hot seat with Our Host. Harrison tries to give him every chance to redeem himself. This would be helpful if Luke didn’t have a habit of saying the absolute wrong thing at the absolute wrong time. His constant back pedaling is a problem, too.
He tries to defend himself by telling Chris that he never got a chance to speak his heart. He claims he was blindsided by her reaction. He didn’t love that she straddled and mounted everyone. But he respects that she made that choice.
Finally Our Host asks the question we’ve all wondered, “Why didn’t you walk away after declaring that you didn’t want someone who would sleep with other people?”
“The Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel
There was so much dead air. I myself find it hilarious that ABC didn’t allow it to land on the cutting room floor. I should confess that I stood up and sat down during the silence because I was so uncomfortable. My friend Amy, who was sitting next to me, was no longer sitting next to me by the thirty second mark. She had to pace.
“If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher
Luke speaks and I calm down a bit. He sort of admits that he struggled with pride and arrogance while on the show. He thinks the label “narcissist” is taking it a bit too far. PS: His feelings haven’t changed for Hannah. He still loves her.
Our Host asks another great question, “Do you feel like you’ve made any mistakes?”
“The Sound of Silence” ON REPEAT by Simon and Garfunkel
Again with the dead air. Again, I’m practically chair exercising like an old person with all the up and down business. My friend Blake went and made a sandwich. When he came back, we were still sitting in silence.
“Just Breathe” by Faith Hill
THERE IS SO MUCH DEAD AIR. I CAN’T HANDLE THE AWKWARD.
“Time To Change” by The Brady Bunch
After I experience multiple heart palpitations, Luke finally announces that there is nothing he would do differently on his journey to find love with Hannah. NOTHING.
Harrison calls him out for being a complete jack wagon. Luke back pedals, insisting that what he meant by that is he is thankful how everything played out. Because he doesn’t want Hannah as a wife. Yet he still loves her.
WE GET IT. LET’S MOVE ON.
Nope. Harrison must poke the bear. And so must Devin/Dustin/Dylan for some reason. He comes traipsing out from backstage so he can tell Luke that he’s no man. He shouldn’t get extra passes because he’s young and stupid.
“Nasty Boys” by Janet Jackson
Harrison realizes that we are spending way too much time with Luke. He keeps him in the hot seat so the four men we know from this season can tell all and dog him on national television.
Mike is up first. Even though he needs to put up an “everyman” front so he can secure the position of our next bachelor, he takes a shot below the belt when he tells Luke that his future wife is “going to be a prisoner.”
I had high hopes for Connor, because I think he’s darling. He starts off good, admitting that he respects Luke for boldly standing in the line of fire. But then he criticizes that he was a problem every week and his actions never changed. He ends the sililoquy with an aggressive F*$& YOU! That’s his immaturity coming out. Remember, Connor is twelve.
Cam thanks Luke for making him look less like a chach.
Jonathan (who?) wishes Luke would have walked more in his faith instead of wavering and judging.
“This Is Amazing Grace” by Phil Wickham
Actual Mateo SPEAKS! He reminds everyone that Luke messed up and that being socially isolated is miserable. He feels Luke has been punished enough and the dogging his character should cease and desist.
Our Host agrees and invites someone else to the hot seat.
“Hair Up” from Trolls
Interestingly enough, that person is John Paul Jones. Harrison deems him a “fan favorite.” JPJ is wacky, you see, and everyone loves him. He is super pumped and slightly weirded out by his instant celebrity status.
But he is grateful. So much so that he allows a random stranger wearing a homemade WWJPJD t-shirt cut a lock of his hair. I’m sure she will put it in a Zip-loc baggie and use it for some sort of voodoo doll ritual, but that’s neither here nor there. John Paul Jones is going to Paradise and he celebrates by tossing chicken nuggets, that the ABC Intern painstakingly procured from three different LA-based McDonalds, into the air for other stalkers to enjoy.
Shaka brah, people. (Read: That’s the John Paul Jones version of roll tide.
“A Wink and a Smile” by Harry Connick, Jr.
Mike is a delight. Even though we had to suffer through a replay of Hannah’s snotty good-bye in the museum, Mike has proven to the world that he is strong and still looking for love. In fact, he’s ready to share all the things he learned about himself from Hannah with the woman of his dreams.
I’m sure that will happen in the fall when he’s faced with twenty-five potential love interests.
“Miss Independent” by Kelly Clarkson
Hannah enters the studio. Remember, Luke landed an hour of air time (mostly dead). John Paul Jones of all people, Mike, and Hannah shared the remaining time. Interesting don’t you think?
I should let you know that Hannah talked about Luke half of her time, so we can officially title this episode: Luke Tells Nothing.
She makes sure she explains why she fell so hard for Luke. She blames this on being insecure about being the bachelorette in the first place. He was the only one who let her know time and time again that he was there for her. She was distracted by the safety he provided.
Does she say this to make us all feel better about that fact that she kept him around for so long even though we yelled at our TVs for her to get rid of him? Or is she saying this to make her current beau not feel bad about technically being her JV choice?
Luke apologizes to her. It was short and to the point. I was proud of him for not making us sit in dead air or rambling on about clarity. Then Hannah rambles on about clarity. She is disappointed in Luke for weaponizing their shared faith. That’s when she launches into fantasy suite talk and boldly proclaims that forgo cards are NOT a free pass for sex. It a place to grow closer to the men.
However that may look…
“Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC
Luke gets up from his chair located in the stands beside fifteen guys none of us know and leaves the studio. We never see him again.
“Hero” by Enrique Iglesias
The hero hair is as high as my blood pressure. Garrett wants Hannah to know he was upset with her because she chose Luke over him that one time. He refrains from pointing and shouting, “TOLD YOU SO.”
Newsflash, Garrett. You’re a chach, too.
“Hard To Say I’m Sorry” by Chicago
Hannah looks straight down the barrel of the camera and apologizes to everyone watching that she made us all suffer through Luke for so long. She takes full responsibility and promises that the Luke P Show has been cancelled.
Please tell me he’s going to Paradise!!!
“Make ‘Em Laugh” from Singing in the Rain
Hooray for bloopers!