Bachelorette Hannah Recap: Party Queen
It’s been two months since Miss Alabama Hannah officially bested her arch nemesis Caelyn by taking the coved title of ABC’s new bachelorette. As Caelyn shops for scantily clad bikinis between extra hours of cardio in prep for her stint on Bachelor in Paradise, Hannah can be found on a deserted soundstage shooting mysterious reality show promos, walking through an enchanted forest in an ice blue plant suit.
It’s clear Mike Fleiss wants Bachelor Nation to imagine Hannah as the new Elsa who can’t be bothered with frozen fractals, shoes, or letting things go. Hannah is a powerful, confident woman with a closet full of tiaras. She is a BEAST who has full control over her emotions. Roll tide.
Cut to a modest house in Tuscaloosa. This Hannah dorkily leans against the legs of a wooden bridge, recalling her high school senior pics from six years ago, and still doesn’t know what to do with her arms. When producers ask her to walk through a hay field and pontificate, she giggles, claiming she has no idea what she’s doing.
“DRESS HER IN POWDER BLUE AND GIVE HER SOMETHING SPARKLY,” I shout at the TV. But it falls on deaf ears. The BEAST we knew from last season has been tamed. Hannah’s a simple girl from Alabama who never felt good enough in the eyes of her family, the townsfolk, her sorority sisters, her fellow beauty pageant contestants, and one former football player who likes to jump fences for girls named Cassie.
Our Host Chris Harrison (hello gorgeous!) explains that Hannah is sincere and honest and is ready to find love with other honestly sincere people. It’s a good thing she has her girls Demi and Katie to help her pick out the perfect silver rhinestone dress to get this party started.
Katie: You look sooooooo pretty.
Hannah: Roll tide.
Demi: Yeah. Your energy is so good to feel around.
Hannah: Roll tide.
I’m not sure how Demi knows that Hannah’s energy is “so good to feel around,” but whatever sorcery is going on, I can’t wait to see in unfold further in Paradise.
Hannah’s pre-game pep talk with Chris Harrison is eye-opening. He warns her that things may not be perfect during this journey, and that’s okay. Even though she’s comfortable with Southern gentlemen, perhaps she should look outside the Mason Dixon Line for a mate.
Hannah wanders out to the pool and prays. She needs words. Confidence. And maybe a breath mint if things go well.
Enough procrastinating. Let’s meet the guys!
Brian
30
Math Teacher
Louisville, KY
Why You Remember Him:
Brian is the patriotic Alga-Bro who loves math and likes to giggle. His voice hasn’t changed yet, which is suspicious for a thirty-year-old man. Let it be known that he did not embarrass himself in front of Hannah with an ill-timed pun, due to the fact that he never spoke to her the entire night other than his icebreaker which ABC didn’t bother to air.
STATUS: No Rose
Cam
30
Software Sales
Austin, TX
Why You Remember Him:
How could you forget? Cam likes to remind anyone who will listen that he got the first rose two months ago during After the Final Rose. And since “spitting some bars like Willy Wonka” seemed to work in his favor during his inaugural run-in with our bachelorette, he raps again during his icebreaker.
He raps for several verses, which lasts many minutes. I go and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I come back from the kitchen and he’s still rapping. He’s clearly losing himself in the music, the moment, he’s owning it, and he’s never letting it go. This is his one shot and he will not miss his chance to blow because this opportunity comes once in a lifetime.
Hannah seems to be charmed by his rhythmic rhetoric. Let that be a lesson to all of us. ABC, baby. Always Be Cam.
Later, Slim Shady confesses that he prefers BEAST Hannah to “I don’t know what I’m doing” Hannah. He also notes that if he has chemistry with someone, he doesn’t kiss that person at the beginning. Then he leans in a kisses her. Pick a lane, Cam.
STATUS: Two Month Old Rose
Chasen
27
Pilot
Ann Arbor, MI
Why You Remember Him:
Poor Chasen made a big mistake not wearing his pilot uniform to the cocktail party. The paper airplane was an okay token, but wings would have made more sense. I liked this fly boy. I was sad to see him crash and burn, but I think he’ll land on his feet. As long as he remembers one thing: Don’t go Chasen waterfalls, dude. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.
STAUS: No Rose
Connor J.
28
Sales Manager
Newport Beach, CA
Why You Remember Him:
Connor J. recited a long monolog in French when he exited the limo. I think it was the University of Alabama’s fight song. He also threw Hannah a bachelorette party, complete with wacky games that make me want to take up permanent residence behind my couch cushion.
Imagine a bunch of ping pong balls in an empty Kleenex box that is strapped to your butt via fanny pack. Now imagine having to “bump” all of the ping pong balls out of the box by shaking what your Mama gave you. It was sort of cute. I would have died. Connor J. almost did, thanks to his nonexistent gym membership.
My favorite thing about Connor J. was the moment when Our Host walked by him. Connor stepped aside, leaving a wide berth for the man, the myth, the legend. Connor followed that with a reverent head nod and a respectful, “Mr. Harrison.”
STATUS: Rose
Connor S.
24
Investment Analyst
Dallas, TX
I like Connor S. He jumped a fence for Hannah, which would have been way more impressive if we had seen it from the launching side verses the landing side. Considering he’s nine feet tall, I choose to believe he single bounded it, just like Colton.
During his alone time, Colton mentions to Hannah that she makes him feel comfortable, which is the perfect thing to say to an insecure girl who doesn’t know what to do with her hands or how to walk through a field. AFFIRMATION IS THE KEY!
Hannah is charmed by his “aw shucks-ness” and promises him that if he’s honest, their relationship will progress. Then home girl leans in for a kiss. Again, clear and present leaning on her part. Connor S. leans right back and they share something that was way more passionate than Always Be Cam.
STATUS: Rose
Daron
25
IT Consultant
Buckhead, GA
Why You Remember Him:
{crickets chirping…}
STATUS: Rose
Devin
27
Talent Manager
Sherman Oaks, CA
Why You Remember Him:
Devin wore a tie of many colors, just like Joseph’s coat. He tells Hannah that honesty is a big deal for him. (Good.) Then he tells her he’s a virgin. (Okay.) Then he says, “I’m just messing with you!”
Got it. Honesty is only a big deal when it’s not layered into the minor details of a prank. Understood.
STATUS: Rose
Dustin
30
Real Estate Broker
Chicago, IL
Why You Remember Him:
Dustin wore tennis shoes with his suit.
STATUS: Rose
Dylan
24
Tech Entrepreneur
San Diego, CA
Why You Remember Him:
My man Dylan wore a white tuxedo jacket, looking all sorts of James Bond. I liked it. A lot. Unfortunately, the only other notes I have read, “Looks like Kelly Rippa’s husband at prom.”
STATUS: Rose
Garrett
27
Golf Pro
Birmingham, AL
Why You Remember Him:
Garrett is the golf pro who told Hannah, “I’m sure you’ll meet a few bogeys tonight, but I want to be your hole-in-one.”
I do not think that was a euphemism for any kind of sexual relations. Other than the fact that he gives off major Deanie Babies facial vibes, Garrett is one of my top picks. PS: He was the first out of the limo, which is always a good sign.
STATUS: Rose
Grant
30
Unemployed
San Clemente, CA
Why You Remember Him:
You probably don’t remember Grant, per se, because you were distracted by the sausage wallowing around inside his mouth. Although the icebreaker was clever (relish the evening, ketchup with you inside) I find it disgusting that he delivered his lines through an entire link of pig intestines.
STATUS: Rose
Hunter
24
Pro Surfer
Westchester, CA
Why You Remember Him:
Hannah knotted Hunter’s silver tie and we never saw his handsome again.
STATUS: No Rose
Jed
25
Singer/Songwriter
Nashville, TN
Why You Remember Him:
As we predicted last week, Jed decided to play through the pain brought on by the dumping of his former girlfriend. I’m so glad a thirty second meeting with Hannah gave him the courage he needed to pull out the old guitar again. Props to Jed for improving a song that made Hannah giggle like a school girl. He does not get extra points for rhyming Hannah with Bama.
With hero hair that is both high and mighty, I have decided to root for this guy even though he elected to keep his socks at home.
STATUS: Rose
Joe
30
The Box King
Chicago, IL
Why You Remember Him:
Joe the Box King made Hannah wait ten minutes before popping out of a cardboard box marked FRAGILE. Thousands of styrofoam peanuts spilled onto the freshly sprayed driveway, causing the ABC Intern to suffer from a panic attack.
Since it was midnight thirty, Our Host Chris Harrison had enough honey bourbons in his system to easily convince him it would be a “funny gag” to film him cleaning up the non biodegradable mess currently floating off into the distance.
I’m not sure what’s happening here. First they make him run in his skinny jeans to find the missing bachelor last season and now they are making him a janitor? Is the show in trouble? Are the ratings hemorrhaging? I don’t see Jeff Probst schlepping tiki torches and tribal voting boxes to counsel meetings or Phil Keoghan planting Amazing Race road blocks all over town.
Anyway, I think Joe the Box King made one too many “package” jokes in his few precious moments with Hannah. Suggesting we “cut a hole in the box” and “put your junk in the box” was the nail in the coffin. Ten bucks says Joe flew to Vegas from the mansion to drown his sorrows in watered down whiskey and poker chips.
STATUS: No Rose
Joey
33
Finance Manager
Bethesda, MD
Why You Remember Him:
Joey transports champagne bottles in baby carriers. Fun Fact: His part is still severe.
STATUS: Rose
John Paul Jones
24
John Paul Jones
Lanham, MD
Why You Remember Him:
John Paul Jones wants Hannah to know that his friends call him John Paul Jones, so she should call him John Paul Jones. Because his name is John Paul Jones.
John Paul Jack Wagon looks like Heath Ledger’s stand-in on the set of A Knight’s Tale during the more complicated jousting scenes. Or maybe John Paul Jack Wago is Hanson’s MMMBOP older cousin?
Jonathan
27
Server
Los Angeles, CA
Why You Remember Him:
Jonathan asked Hannah if she wanted a pizza his heart. Then he gave her a slice of cold, soggy pizza. Now we know that he’s a server at Pizza Hut.
I’ll allow it. She was probably starving.
STATUS: Rose
Kevin
27
Behavioral Health Specialist
Manteno, IL
Why You Remember Him:
You got lost in his gorgeous eyes. Then realized you were confusing Kevin 27 with Tyler G. Whoops.
STATUS: Rose
Luke P.
24
Import / Export Manager
Gainesville, GA
Why You Remember Him:
I think this exercise will be easier if I made a list:
- Encountered God in the shower.
- Behaved like a beast when exiting the limo.
- Very purple outfit. We’re talking Violet Beauregarde.
- How do I have two references to Willy Wonka in one recap?
- Luke P. thinks all the guys in the house are already jealous of him because he was the very first guy to meet her. (After the Final Rose)
- He is the first to steal her away.
- When he saw Hannah on night one of Colton’s season, he said, “That could be my wife.”
- He knows her (stalker) but she has some catching up to do.
- That is supposed to be a charming statement.
- Note: Hannah thinks it was a charming statement.
- Luke P. was the only one who consoled Hannah after the Chach debacle.
- She gives him the first impression rose as a result.
- They make out in a way that strangers would believe these two crazy kids have been dating for more than a collective twenty minutes.
- The kiss started off uncomfortable, but it got better as it went on. And on and on and on.
- I’m going to say writhing was involved.
- STATUS: Rose
Luke S.
29
Political Consultant
Washington, DC
Why You Remember Him:
He has better skin than me. And probably you. We should moisturize. Perhaps take a multi-vitamin and drink some more water?
STATUS: Rose
Matt Donald
26
Medical Device Salesman
Los Gatos, CA
Why You Remember Him:
ABC made us fall in like with Old Matt Donald and his entire deaf family. Then they put him on a tractor and forced him recite a Bachelor version of his namesake song.
“With a bro, bro, here.
And a bro, bro, there.
Here a bro, there a bro
Everywhere a bro, bro.”
I cringed and smiled at the same time. I’m sure Tara Banks has a word for that sensation.
After he ditched the straw hatt, Matt roll tide-d with Hannah and bonded over Alabama things. She laughed in all the right places and then waved good-bye when he was kicked out of the mansion budless.
STATUS: No Rose
Matteo
25
Management Consultant
Atlanta, GA
Why You Remember Him:
You don’t. Neither do his 114 children.
STATUS: ROSE
Matthew
23
Car Bid Spotter
Newport Beach, CA
Why You Remember Him:
Sweet baby Matthew didn’t get a bit of air time. I still have high hopes for this little dude. Look how he tried to grow a full beard to look more mature! That deserves a rose for sure.
STATUS: Rose
Mike
31
Portfolio Manager
San Antonio, TX
Why You Remember Him:
You definitely remember his smile, his manly physique, and his great granny who wisely instructed Mike to “listen and pay attention.”
Mike lives by the five Cs, which Hannah and I immediately forgot. Character and compassion were in there somewhere. I’m sure he left out confidence, knowing that Hannah has issues with feeling worthy. Then he tells her that she’s pretty. Hannah beams.
So Mike decides to pump her full of affirmation (again, THE KEY TO SUCCESS WITH HANNAH) and praises her for memorizing a speech that made her sound strong and certain of what she wanted out of this crazy journey.
It’s official. I like Mike. So does Hannah.
STATUS: ROSE
Peter
27
Pilot
Westlake Village, CA
Why You Remember Him:
This is who Chasen wants to be when he grows up.
Peter the Pilot both wore his uniform, radiating Maverick energy that I’m sure Demi would confirm was good to feel around. He also gave Hannah wings, which were immediately tucked into her cleavage.
Peter is winning in the aviation department. He also looks like Ben Higgins’ younger/blonder brother. Ben Higgins who, as you know, looked just like Peter Brady.
STATUS: Rose
Ryan
25
Roller Boy
Philadelphia, PA
Why You Remember Him:
He rolled tide. On skates.
STATUS: No Rose.
Scott
28
Software Sales Executive
Chicago, IL
Why You Remember Him:
In one of the most scripted moments on national television, we learn that Scott has a girlfriend back home. How do we know? Because someone messaged Demi through Instagram and spilled the beans.
Sure, Scott tells Hannah he wants a life partner and is looking forward to having her as a potential wife, but smart people always keep the home front burning with someone on the back burner. Scott’s “we’re just friends” defense slowly morphs into “I don’t have any feelings for her” which finally lands on “yeah I broke up with her two days ago to come not he show.”
Unfortunately, the girl didn’t realize this was an actual break up verses “we were on a break” break up. She fully intended for Scott to secure fifteen minutes of fame before returning home so they could get into Chicago Cubs games for free.
The good news is that Hannah has complete control over her vocabulary when she’s mad! She berates him for a good hour before escorting him out the door, muttering for him to, “COME ON” in her best Southern Belle drawl.
She returns to the sunken living room to tell the guys that her greatest fear has already come true. Someone is not here for the right reasons (right reasons) and if anyone else has a significant other at home, they need to hit the pavement with Scott because losers don’t get a rejection SUV or a ride in Demi’s stakeout van.
STATUS: Kicked Out of Mansion
Thomas
27
International Pro Basketball Player
Detroit, MI
Why You Remember Him:
I have never seen this person in my life.
STATUS: No Rose
Tyler C.
26
General Contractor
Jupiter, FL
Why You Remember Him:
Uuuuugggghhhhhhh. I had such high hopes. In my wildest dreams I never imagined Tyler C. stripping down at a construction site to recreate Kevin Bacon’s infamous Footloose routine while the soundtrack of Flashdance played in the background.
There are so many things wrong with that sentence.
I also didn’t expect Tyler C. to be half stoned for the entire show. Say nope to dope, kids.
STATUS: Rose
Tyler G.
28
Psychology Graduate Student
Boca Raton, FL
Why You Remember Him:
This is not Kevin. Trust me.
STATUS: Rose
There you have it. Episode one of Bachelorette Hannah’s season is officially in the books. Who are you rooting for? Do you think Old Matt Donald should have been sent home? And how annoying is the sausage guy and John Paul Jack Wagon going to be this year? Sound off in the comments section and I’ll see you there!
Old Matt Donald for BIP! Grocery store Joe can happen twice.
No, no, no…this joe, although a Chicago Italian, is no Grocery Joe!
I was meaning to say that Matt Donald can be the next Grocery Store Joe. I have no need to even think another thought about the Box King.
Yes!!! Joe can happen again.. But let’s bring back the BOX GUY!!!! HE looked awesome!
Yes! I was disappointed with him being sent home already!
I was totally thinking the same thing – that maybe they will bring back Matt for BIP. I hope so!
I liked Old Matt Donald! I really wanted Chasen to get a rose. Like him much better that several of the other guys, Classic line with the “don’t go Chasen waterfalls…..love it! Don’t like Cam. Tired of hearing Roll Tide. I’m sure someone is already chalking up how many times that phrase is announced each episode and consuming many drinks when said phrase is uttered.
Great recap as always!!
Yep, also sad about Matt and Chasen, hope they both land in paradise!
I LOVED CHASEN!! I”m so sad he didn’t make it. I think he definitely missed an opportunity in not wearing his pilot’s uniform. He had the perfect opportunity to stand out, and missed it. I think he got super flustered once he realized there was another pilot and it affected his confidence. He was my pick to make it to the end, LOL.
Ha! We did make “roll tide” a drinking game! Favorite line “don’t go Chasen waterfalls” and favorite nickname “John Paul Jack Wagon.” Lincee you are on point as always. Apparently the guys need to take some notes on dating…when a girl says she is cold, offer your jacket. When a girl says she wants to be left alone…go after her in a few minutes. It didn’t look like Hannah really wanted to be left alone after she kicked off Scott! Thanks for making this show that much better Lincee!
I’m betting more than one guy wanted to go after her but pretty sure they are told up front they have to ask permission to see her. They can’t just go any time. So, when you’ve seen people in the past constantly interrupt they had permission to do so. But for sure once he got permission he should have offered up his jacket!
Yep should have worn the uniform
matt mcdonald seemed like the most authentic genuine guy in the bunch.
I also liked Matt. I was keeping my eye on him because he’s from the Bay Area. Los Gatos is a beautiful city and very expensive. Several million to buy a home there.
Glad you’re back Lincee. I love your recaps and podcasts with Some Guy.
“You don’t. Neither do his 114 children.”
I spit out my drink. That was impeccable, Lincee.
Justice for Old McDonald! I thought he was adorable, and was really surprised she didn’t chose him. Chasen also seemed nice.
What’s his name doing his best Footloose impression was a full on PINEAPPLE
I really like Mike, and I hope hope hope that he’s not some undercover jerk.
I need for John Paul Jones to go very far away. That guy set off my Repuls-O-Meter like no other.
Yes! I could NOT stand John Paul Jones. I think he was a “producer pick”.
John Paul Jones reminds me of the jerk guy in all the 90’s/early 00’s high school setting movies where the girl thinks she’s in love with him before realizing she’s actually in love with her nerdy best guy friend. Like a poor woman’s Chad Michael Murray.
At first I thought she said ‘grandpa jones’ not John Paul Jones. Now every time his name is said I hear the grandpa jones
Hanson cousin – Lol! – spot on, loved the family photo! (despise the jack wagon). Well, Roller Boy is sadly not an actual skater, but he certainly Roll Tried. I think Old MD left too soon, although I doubt Hannah would be capable of learning sign language since she doesn’t know what to do with her hands. My faves at this point (for myself, not Hannah) are Connor S, cutie-pi-lot Peter, and the golf pro, but what are the odds of a Garrett winning twice in a Bachelorette row?
I liked purple Luke, but the upcoming scenes make him look like a chach. And also, I think the pro golfer turns out to be a chach, unfortunately. That D-bag Scott was so busted. And he knew it–he couldn’t even make eye contact with her after she dropped her Bama Bomb.
Kevin was irritated because I turned it off after an hour, but then when insomnia hit at 11:30 and I watched the 2nd hour, he was much happier. I like Peter Brady Jr. Hopefully, he doesn’t wear his uniform the entire season. I have high hopes for this season. The only thing that might wear thin is Bama’s low self confidence.
Oh, and I forgot, JPJ is exhibiting signs of being a chach–his facial expressions said a lot when he was the last to get a rose. I’m surprised he GOT a rose.
That had to be the producers.
LOVE your recaps! Thanks for all the note-taking you do. I’m thinking Hannah’s definitely smitten with Luke, but the previews do not do him any favors. And any time I see an ambulance in the previews, I know – this is going to be a goooooood season.
Is it too early to call Mike for next Bachelor??
Not too early! I definitely said “maybe he’ll be the first black bachelor”!
I LOVED MIKE AS WELL. Seems genuine with a GREAT smile.
I love that he listened to his great-grandma’s advice and really listened to Hannah. He seemed genuinely interested in what she was saying.
Yes, asked her a great question!
Bring back Chasen!!!! What a doll.
I agree! I hope we see him on BIP.
Yes!! Chasen was my favorite! How on earth did she keep John Paul Jack Wagon () over him???
I’ve been cringeing ever since Colton asked Hannah to make a toast….talk about crickets.
Must say I’m pleasantly surprised. Hannah is a great bachelorette. Her smile is incredible. The guys are sincerely smitten, and she is very natural. She didn’t stumble over more than one or two words the entire show.
Did anyone else scream, “Give her your jacket, moron!” when Hannah said she was cold- 2 times.
Me and my boyfriend both were yelling that. It would have gone along way to show he was gentleman. But my guy pointed out that maybe he did it consciously so that could snuggle her. Who knows…
YES!!! Lol, I actually came to comment the same thing!
Yes. I thought that would be a deal breaker.
Yes!!!!! Can’t get past it. For someone who is “so into her” he doesn’t seem to actually care about her. Very revealing IMO.
I totally did! It made me crazy that he didn’t offer it to her
It was ridiculous! Out of touch…
YES! I was literally screaming at the TV! So many good guys sent home. My daughter and I were both screaming haha! My husband came in and said, “what’s going on?” lol.
Yes! Then i noticed they went to sit in front of the fire and how tight his jacket was lmao. Still no excuse!
I think this will be a fun season. When watching last night, we remarked that if you’re a drinker, you should totally do a “roll tide” drinking game. Or strip “roll tide” (lose an article of clothing each time it’s said). Hare being the janitor was awesome! Is it just me or do Hannah and our Host seem to have a special bond that he hasn’t with other bachelorettes?
I wondered the same thing .. it almost seems like they may be into each other a little bit? Sorry, Lincee … 🙂
I noticed some chemistry but wasn’t sure if it was romantic or just protective.
I wondered that for a minute, too, because they seem to have a “real connection.” But I decided that it’s his fatherly instincts kicking in. Now that his daughter is a teenager, maybe he can picture a vulnerable contestant like Hannah as his own child? He seemed really protective of her in a way I haven’t seen him be with other bachelorettes.
Chris Harrison is 47… Clearly he is old enough to be Hannah’s DAD… and besides he is dating Lauren Zima… He is happy not looking to Boink Hannah!
Oh hell no! I think his role is to keep talking her off the ledge. They know she’s unstable and she needs to keep it together since they took a chance making her the bachelorette.
I felt a little sorry for Scott. He was set up. I think about Ally telling Emily last week that she loved it when Emily told Kalon to “get the F*** out!” Then in order to recreate that during Ally’s season, she chased Rated-R around the grounds of a hotel accusing him of having a girlfriend. It felt like ABC was trying to recreate those scenes to make Hannah seem assertive. Unfortunately, she fell flat and he didn’t come off as badly as they had hoped. He also had a point in saying that she had just gotten out of a relationship too. However, it really isn’t the same thing as keeping someone on the back burner.
Connor S was a hot mess. He looked disheveled and un-ironed.
I cannot believe she kept Grant over Matt Donald. BLEK!!! He spoke with his mouth full the ENTIRE time. He came off as slovenly, and ill-mannered.
I screamed at the tv, in my phone via text ,and in my head, “give her your coat you jack wagon!!” For the love!!!
Lincee you are always so funny and spot on. So glad you’re back.
Interesting idea that the Scott thing was set up to give her an opportunity to be assertive. She was upset with him but really should have been upset with the producers for casting him, as if they didn’t know.
I like her but she does comes off as insecure, which makes me feel kinda sorry for her. She said a number of times that she’s “not perfect” – well, no one is expecting you to be! I don’t think I’ve ever heard previous bachelorettes harp on about not being perfect. It really stuck out to me.