Bachelorette Hannah Recap: Finding Mr. Right
We live in a world where a woman’s journey to find love is inaugurated by a few drag queens cat calling eight men who have agreed to wear man panties on national television in order to be crowned Mr. Right. Some say it’s strange. I call it “Monday Night.”
Hannah’s crop of dudes are an interesting bunch. Never in my fifteen seasons of recapping The Bachelorette have I been more confused about who’s who.
Me: That’s Devin.
Lara: No, that’s Dustin.
Amy: Or is his name Dylan?
Todd: I thought it was Daron…
Stephanie: There’s a Daron?
Matthew is not Mateo. Grant is not Garrett. And Garrett is not Keith. Tyler C. is not Tall Connor. And until last night, we didn’t know Tyler G. existed. We thought he was Matthew.
Despite the fact that I need to invent some sort of season 15 contestant flashcards, there’s a clear pack who have separated themselves from the group by using any means necessary.
- You’ve got your run of the mill Chach = ABC Cam
- The one with all the sexual tension = Luke P
- The Hanson brother who loves his hair more than Hannah = JPJ
- The sensitive and good-looking guy = Mike
- The crooner with a guitar in his hands and a song in his heart = Jed
- The pilot with a baby face = Peter
Everyone else is a blur of beaded bracelets, flowing necklines, and hero hair looking to prove to Hannah that they are both BOLD and REAL. Tensions rise when Our Host Chris Harrison strolls into the sunken living room. He chooses to forego dropping any wisdom on these jokers and instead drops a date card.
The men stare in reverence. This is what manliness looks like. This is how it smells. Like a new deck of poker cards, three fingers of whiskey, and assertiveness.
The card explains that Hannah is looking for her “Mr. Right” and she thinks she will find him in the following band of bros: Grant, Mike, Jed, Jonathan, JPJ, Dylan, and both Lukes to make things extra confusing.
We find Hannah standing outside a theater in skin tight dance leggings that are supposed to look like blue jeans. When she raises her hands to encircle them around the BOLD dude who ran to her first for a quick hug, there is clear and present midriff.
She’s super excited to share that these eight gentlemen will be contestants in a pageant, complete with swimsuit competition and a talent portion. With the help of drag queens Alaska, Alyssa Edwards, and America’s Next Top Model’s Miss J, Hannah will force these guys to show their skin and dexterous aptitudes in exchange for a plastic crown and bedazzled sash.
Hannah assures the viewing audience that this isn’t a peep show. Clearly the purpose of the exhibition is to see who will let his personality shine through the embarrassment and who can press through the awkward to the other side where a boutonnière awaits.
The ABC Intern gives a few locals five dollar Starbucks gift cards in exchange for them filling up the first three rows of the theater. Harrison is paid an extra four figures to break out the old Miss USA tuxedo and emcee this debacle. The boys enter from stage right, dressed in deep navy blue robes.
Hannah sits at the judges table with Alaska, Alyssa, and Miss J. Her painted on pseudo jeans just won’t do in this scenario. She has changed into a kicky silver sequined ice skater costume. The lights dim, the audience sort of cheers, and Dylan steps up to the spotlight. #bless
In one swift motion, he disrobes. And all I can think is that someone didn’t get the memo to wax tip to toe. Again, #bless.
We get a close up junk shot of Luke S. Thanks for that, ABC. Jonathan strips and slaps his own butt. Not necessary. Mike ostentatiously drops trou, spins around, and begins twerking. Where’s the couch cushion? John Paul Jones seductively lowers his robe, struts the catwalk, and whips his hair back and forth. I find it fitting that JPJ was wearing pineapple man panties. Because PINEAPPLE.
It’s Jed’s turn. He calmly heads to the center of the stage, removes his robe, and normally (as normal as he can be in this scenario) walks down to the judge’s table so he can kiss Hannah’s hand. The physique is there. The humbleness shows. The audience is impressed. The judges applaud.
Then there’s Luke P. Home slice confidently rips off his robe and kicks off his turn with a series of body building poses. From all the leg muscles and abs protruding from this guy’s body, I’d guess that this isn’t his first time in a speedo. Even the other contestants agree that Luke P’s body is that of a Greek god.
The talent portion of our evening is pretty quick. John Paul Jones rides a unicycle (impressive!) Luke S. attempts to play a trumpet. Jonathan tap dances while juggling. Mike puts on a pair of hot pink pumps and recites a personal pros: “I’d walk a mile in your shoes to show you who I am.”
Does anyone know if this show comes with complimentary barf bags? I’ve looked in my seat back pocket and can’t find one.
Next up is Jed. He tells the camera that even though this is all fun and games, Hannah wants someone who is also taking this seriously. And what better way to show someone that you are BOLD and REAL than to write an original song meticulously declaring why you are Hannah’s Mr. Right. Toss in a little Jason Mraz for good measure and you are golden.
Unless someone after you tells Hannah that he is starting to maybe perhaps fall in love with her, followed by a confident march down the runway for a passionate kiss.
I curse you, Luke P. I curse you and each of your eighteen abs.
Naturally the seven remaining dudes (half of which are still wearing their speedos under their cocktail attire) have a big issue with Luke P. professing his undying love for this woman when he’s known her for thirty-six hours. They would call him out, too, if he hadn’t swept Hannah away the minute they “cheered” to a night of BOLD behavior and REAL conversations.
The boys aren’t the only ones calling BS on this love business. Hannah wants to know how Luke knows, you know? This is a big deal and it scares her! What makes Luke so sure he’s starting to maybe fall in love with her?
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 19, 2019
In short, Luke is a stalker.
Let me back up. Luke was infatuated with Hannah from the moment he saw her on Colton’s season. He cut out all the pictures of her in US Weekly and pinned them to a bulletin board, meticulously keeping track of her every move in his trusty sky blue notebook with a cover that reads, “Follow Your Dreams.”
When he stepped out of the limo, he started falling in love that moment. He’s never felt all the feels this passionately before and he just can’t hide it. To prove it, he sticks his tongue down her throat. As always with Luke, writhing was also involved.
Instead of calling for security, Hannah giggles and thanks him. She calls it “fighting for me.” I call it “manipulating her.” Time will tell which one of us is right.
Magic Mike is irritated with Luke P and has no problem reminding him that “In the history of man, no one has ever falling in love that fast.” I love that Mike has taken the time to learn the history of man. How does Luke respond? “When I want something, I will get it. I don’t care about the circumstances.”
Jed uses his alone time a little differently than Luke P. His hero hair is a bit crooked, but that doesn’t stop Hannah from gushing about how he looked so good in his speedo and that she loved the song he wrote for her. She likes his southern charm and the way he calms her with his acoustic sunrise vibes. They share a standard make out sesh. No writhing.
At the end of the night, Luke P may have secured the crown, but Jed got the date rose.
Tyler G (trust me…he’s a real contestant)
“Falling in love can be messy.”
Hannah walks right into the circle of trust the men have formed in the backyard and wedges herself in beside the man ABC is calling “Tyler G.” My roommate Lara compared him to Tim Tebow seconds before Hannah declared him a “hotter Tim Tebow.” Henceforth, he will be known as Tebow.
A helicopter arrives moments later to whisk Hannah and Tebow away. The remaining men are required to smile and wave as their “girlfriend” takes off with another man. ABC Cam processes through his emotions with a rap session and roughly two people pay attention to him. One of those is his handler who is forbidden to leave his side.
The helicopter drops Hannah and Tebow in the middle of nowhere so they can get down and dirty on a pair of ATVs. Why else would Hannah be wearing white skinny jeans, a white tank top, and a white denim jacket?
Unfortunately, neither understood the logistics of mud slinging and were nearly sparkly clean when the fun and frivolity reached its conclusion. Kudos to the ABC Intern for going the extra mile by rubbing some filthy dirt all over our two love birds.
Later, Hannah listens as Tebow gently describes that this experience as surreal and that there’s a lot of pressure to be seen among so many other bros. Hannah takes the next thirty minutes to one up him with tales of Colton Underwood and the mystery of “how to take your walls down.” She regurgitates her “bold and honest” speech before laying her head on his shoulder. There was no kiss.
That night at dinner, Hannah pairs a Solid Gold Dancer outfit with a leather jacket. Tebow is ready to be BOLD and REAL with Hannah, so he owns everything she said she wanted in a man from earlier. He’s “gotta be me” and “will not worry about being vulnerable” and “break the walls down.”
This is enough to get him the date rose, one tight lipped kiss, and another head on his shoulder.
SECOND GROUP DATE
“Let’s Get Our Love On Track”
Things are getting hot in the mansion. Ten guys have been invited to the next destination and three are stuck chilling by the pool. Devon, Mateo, Daron, Connor J, Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C, Joey, Peter, and Garrett are all invited to attempt to roller skate. Matthew (a real contestant) and Tall Connor are visibly upset, but understand the name of the game.
ABC Cam, on the other hand, turns a wicked shade of red. It’s the same color as Hannah’s nose when she’s twitter-pated. Cam cringes as the other guys hustle out to the limo for a day of light bruising and possible sprains.
Hannah chooses to roller skate in teeny tiny black leather shorts. This makes all the sense in the world. She escorts the gentlemen to the rink and watches their faces as fierce women knock each other down with elbow checks and sweeps of the leg.
There will be no “all skate.” You can’t request a slow jam song and couple up with Hannah. No one will be shooting the duck or limbo-ing. This ain’t your Mama’s roller rink.
This is Derby.
I would break this date down into funny details, but all I can say is that everyone fell. Over and over and over again.
Although there was a “competition,” commentated by Our Host Chris Harrison and Fred Willard, I’m unsure how the Green Team “won.”
That night, the men musk up to cover the smell of Icy Hot. Hannah asks Dustin if he wants to talk. While he uses his time to assure Hannah that his shy personality does not mean he isn’t interested, she asks canned questions provided by the crack whip team of ABC lawyers about his injured ankle. When she is convinced he’s not going to take legal action, she bids him adieu and visits with Peter the Pilot.
When she switches to Kevin (a real contestant) ABC Cam arrives wearing non bootcut jeans (the horror), cowboy boots, and a dorky smile. He’s carrying a bouquet of roses and kindly severs Kevin’s time with a one-on-one of his own.
Some of you are thinking, “Who cares, Lincee? This happens all the time? Haven’t you seen that SNL sketch with the women stealing the bachelor?”
Yes. Yes I have, but here’s the difference: ABC Cam was not on this date. He promised his handler an original rap in exchange for a rejection SUV to take him to the date location. This is what being BOLD looks like, people.
Hannah handles it as best as she can considering the sheer disregard of the “rules.” She thanks him for coming to see her and letting her know he’s thinking about her. He kisses her in a weird way and then leaves.
During his talking head interview, he tells the camera that there are no rules in this experience. As he drones on and on about Always Being Chachy, a lone figure can be seen slowly walking up behind him. It’s a bogey coming in at his six o’clock and Cam has no idea.
When Tyler claps a hand on his shoulder, I thought Cam was going to pee himself. Tyler does a poor job of reprimanding Cam. When Tyler says, “We are fighting for time and this isn’t fair,” Cam responds with, “Anyone can do what I did. She doesn’t want a passive man.”
Garrett follows, then Kevin in khaki pedal pushers.
Kevin returns to the date staging area around the coffee table and cries, “SHENANIGANS! SHENANIGANS I SAY!” And since the night has officially turned into dawn, Hannah gives the date rose to Dustin’s broken ankle.
Remember the cold shoulder phenomenon that morphed into the cold clavicle and the cold sternum? There have been a few cold left arms and cold spinal cords. But never have we seen an entire cold right side of the body. Hannah’s red rose ceremony dress is a feat of engineering. Nobel Prizes should be awarded to the seamstress who managed to piece that dress together without it snapping.
How did it manage to stay intact with all the humping that was going on in the grotto?
I’m getting ahead of myself. Before Hannah asks Luke P to perform a strip tease, she cries and apologizes and cries some more when she first enters the room of well coiffed men. Her glittery eye shadow is threatened by moisture. Her mascara will definitely have to be retouched. And someone needs to get a powder puff, STAT.
FYI: We still don’t know why she was crying. I suggest you not pick at that thread. In the words of Adele Dazeem, “Let it go.”
Thankfully Tall Connor snags Hannah before Luke P and gives a little love. I’m not sure why he had a Valley Girl inflicted tone to his voice, but I still like him. There was lots of kissing and a sheepish, “I’m glad you want me” from Hannah.
Next up is Kevin. Say hello to your mulligan, my good man! Without ABC Cam all up in his grill, Kevin can finish his alone time with Hannah by inviting her to scream at the top of her lungs so she can let out all of the built-up tension. Did it borderline Chach territory? Yes. Did it work? Absolutely.
It also backfired. Because of all the shouting, ABC Cam easily discovers Kev’s location and crashes the party. Oddly enough, ABC Cam also invites both Hannah and Kevin to join him in a spray of rose petals formed in the shape of a heart. There are blankets, candles, pillows, and a silver tray full of lukewarm chicken nuggets from the good folks over at McDonalds.
Kevin wisely leaves. Then he unwisely approaches Cam later, calling him ridiculous and flipping the remaining tray of pressed meat right out of his hands.
Had those been Chick-Fil-A nuggets, I would have been appalled.
One of my favorite parts of the night was when Tyler (not Tebow) repurposed the rose and blanket setup for his own one-on-one moment. He really makes his mark by comparing Hannah to that feeling he got running out of the tunnel when he played football. She giggles and tells him, “I like the way you look at me” (weird) and lightly kisses him.
And then there was the grotto.
Luke P is good with his hands. Hannah is excited to hear that he would like to give her a massage, which means he has to unzip her dress. Logical. Then she flips it around and offers to give him a massage. Bold. She begins taking off his shirt and that’s all she wrote. The writhing and passionate kissing fall in perfect rhythm with the porno music ABC layers in the background.
Hannah’s red nose says it all. She’s hot and bothered.
It’s a shame Jed enters the grotto at this exact moment.
Hannah hops away from Luke P (again, impressive in that binding dress) like she’s just been caught by her dad. Both utter, “It’s not what it looks like” as Jed backs out of the uncomfortable situation. I die a slow death behind my couch cushion.
Hannah is devastated. She knows she’s crossed a line by heavily making out with a shirtless man in week two. Luke P immediately picks up on this and falls on his own sword, blaming the entire situation on himself.
She sheepishly turns the corner and finds Luke sitting in front of the fire. He immediately assures her that everything is okay. He understands the name of the game and commends her for even being the bachelorette in the first place. It’s a tough gig.
Then he lightens the moment by suggesting he should have come back in with his pants off. This makes her laugh and she forgives herself. They share a quick kiss before it’s time to hand out roses.
ROSES GO TO:
Tyler C. (Not Tebow)
Peter the Pilot
John Paul Jones
Other Connor, Daron, and Matthew (a real contestant) leave the mansion to find love elsewhere. Luke P watches the men shout their goodnights to Hannah and head upstairs. He follows her to a room he should not be in and interrupts a talking head segment.
She’s clearly surprised, confused, and feeling the residual effects of her hot and bothered-ness from earlier in the dawn. He invites her to sit in his lap and she conveniently sits with her back to the camera.
He promises that he was being honest when he told her he was falling in love. He’s hundo P and time has officially stopped now that she is in his world. He picks her up and they make out hard. There was writhing.
Oh, and Mateo ate several dead bugs.