Bachelorette Hannah recap: She calls the shots
Apart from the three tragic stories and Hannah’s visit to the hospital, I was thoroughly entertained by week three of Bachelorette Hannah’s journey to find love.
I will say that she and John Paul Jones need to do a better job of pacing themselves. Between Hannah having an emotional breakdown once or twice during each episode and John Paul Jones tossing back the chicken McNuggets like Tic Tacs, ABC needs to pay the Psychologist and Nurse overtime to just stick around in case things take a turn. Hannah might need a brown paper bag and a tiny yellow pill. John Paul Jones might need a defibrillator and cholesterol medicine.
You just never know.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with the new Aladdin movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
Hannah is so excited to take her first crop of guys on a group date. She’s feeling fancy, so she asks wardrobe to craft her a crop top made from a doily. She pairs it with a lavender leather jacket, tight tight tight pants, and decides against an adornment to further showcase her exposed belly button.
Jonathan, Mateo, John Paul Jones, Kevin/Keith, Jed, Tyler C, Big Mike, and Cam all run toward her in a jumble of hero hairspray, skinny jeans, and hoodies. The cloud of Nautica Blue that follows them is so dense, it lifts Hannah up into the air.
Oh wait. That’s Big Mike lifting her up into the air. My bad. Had Hannah engaged her core, she could have executed the Dirty Dancing lift from a standing position. Impressive.
They all head into a room where “the guy from American Pie” and his comedian wife take the men through a series of exercises that will help them understand what a woman goes through when she’s pregnant. After a written test, each one is handed a baby to diaper and comfort. After that, it’s close pins on the nipples. And finally, electric shocks to the lower abdomen, simulating contractions during labor.
I’m so glad these guys now know what it’s like to be a woman.
At the cocktail party, Hannah arrives bathed in black leather from tip to toe. Jed whisks her away to the rooftop so they can make out. When it’s time to go, Jed carefully plucks two chicken McNuggets from his breast pocket and hands one to Hannah. Legend has it that if you make a wish and chuck a nugget from a tall building, your wish will come true.
Hannah squeals with delight, closes her eyes, and tosses her nugget with glee. We’re not sure if it landed on a pedestrian or if it became a world-class meal for a pigeon. What we do know is that John Paul Jones used his one-on-one time to school Hannah in the importance of not wasting chicken McNuggets.
Meanwhile, Cam, who is dressed in a hoodie under a suit jacket, complete with pocket square, tries to break down the secret to winning the hand of the bachelorette. You see, you need to be bold and show some initiative. Tyler C. disagrees. He believes they are all playing a game of first-grade soccer and just following the ball right now.
Tyler C. is growing on me.
Big Mike’s one-on-one time is our first of three tragic stories. The “take care of your baby” date was particularly hard on him since he and his ex-wife lost a child when they were together. Although it’s not as bad as making Emily Maynard drive in a race car, knowing that her husband died in a car crash, it’s still painful to hear him begin to share the details.
Why did I phrase that last sentence with “begin” to share the details? Because Always Be Chachy kept interrupting every fifteen seconds to try and steal Hannah away. Cam claimed to have something REALLY important to say, but Big Mike held his ground.
Cam leaves and comes back a second time.
Cam leaves and comes back a third time.
Cam leaves and comes back a FOURTH TIME and we all yell at the television.
Tyler C. says it best: “He’s showing his insecurities. The writing’s on the wall.”
Again, Tyler C. is growing on me.
For some reason HANNAH apologizes for the awkward moment. Cam is unfazed because of his boldness, you see. He kicks off his “important” story by confessing that he quit his job to come on this show. But Hannah shouldn’t worry because she is worth it.
Newsflash: Hannah knows she’s worth it. Roll tide.
Just as Cam transitions into a more serious part of his past, Jonathan walks in and refuses to leave. No matter how many times Cam pleads “two more minutes,” Jonathan powers on. He picks up Cam’s drink, hands it to him, and laughs as Cam clumsily walks Hannah to the door frame so she can say good-bye to him with a wimpy hug.
- Cam told the camera that he didn’t want things to get physical, so he was the bigger man and walked away. Riiiiiight.
- Although Cam got a dose of his own medicine, Jonathan now looks like a jack wagon.
While John Paul Jones polishes off another twelve-pack of nugs, Jonathan returns to the gathering couch and sits directly beside Cam. Cam creepily stares at him, trying with all his might to intimidate Jonathan. It doesn’t work. Because no one can take Cam seriously in his hoodie.
Jonathan: Do you have something you want to say?
Cam: I’m fascinated. I didn’t know you had it in you.
Jonathan: Me neither.
I believe this is what it looks like for Always Be Cam to show someone respect when it comes to their bold game.
It’s Tyler C’s turn to bring on the charm and he does so with oodles of compliments. This, as we know, is Hannah’s love language. She sits and stares at him with a big goofy smile as he praises her for being a bad a$$ woman (which is a turn on). He wants to be her advocate, her cheerleader, and her supporter.
Hannah: You’d make nice arm candy.
Tyler: Taste good, too.
Cue the deep dive kiss.
Ladies and gentlemen, Tyler is making his move with adoration and well-timed one-liners. Is this sleepy, dark horse working his way into the top four? Stay tuned.
Tyler doesn’t get the rose. Neither does Jed, who really showed his infatuation with Hannah, too. Although I think Jed’s is a little more genuine. I feel Tyler likes Hannah the same reason why John Paul Jones likes his McNuggets — because they are there in front of him.
Poor Mateo and Kevin/Keith aren’t even cool enough to get screen time. And since Cam and Jonathan are too busy peeing all over Hannah’s black leather outfit, the date rose goes to Big Mike.
The scene switches to Hannah in a hospital room hooked up to an IV and we all check our DVRs to make sure we didn’t miss something. We didn’t. ABC is just messing with us.
The network. Not the chach.
It’s a shame Hannah is dehydrated and has to cancel her one-on-one date with my boy Tall Connor. Luckily, she’s all about him coming over to her room so he can wait on her hand and foot. Sounds fun, right? Let’s go!
Tall Connor heads to a grocery store to buy some flowers, grab some soup, and read all the headlines on the magazines in the check-out line so he can report back to his friends what’s going on in the real world. There’s a royal baby named Archie, people are ticked off at Game of Thrones, and Taylor Swift’s still got it. Good to know.
Hannah puts on a bra for Tall Connor and is happy to invite him into her bed so they can snuggle. When she begins making out with him, he pulls back slightly, inquiring, “Sooooooo what’s wrong with you again?” My guess is mono. She tells him fatigue. Connor goes for it and spends the rest of the day lounging in her bamboo sheets.
He also shares the second tragic story of the night. When he was thirteen, his mom had a stroke. Through the devastation, he saw how well his dad loves his mom. He knows what “in sickness and in health” truly means. Hannah smiles, kisses him again, then kicks him out claiming that she has to rest per doctor’s orders.
Connor bums some Post-It notes from his handler and writes little love messages all over the hotel room. It was very sweet and extremely sentimental. Connor heads back to the mansion to hang out with his bros. Most are surprised to see that she didn’t give him a rose. Luke P. wants to know what she was wearing. I roll my eyes while Connor flippantly answers, “Sweats.”
It was silver silk pajama bottoms, but who cares? I like Connor.
The next thing we know, an elderly gentleman has entered the room. No, it’s not Harrison. HOW DARE YOU CALL HIM ELDERLY. This guy is Connor’s driver. He’s going to take Connor to Hannah. He also instructs Connor to “be sharp, my man.” Love it.
Hannah waits for Connor in yet another leather jacket and shiny sequined dress. She immediately gives him a rose and then escorts him to a private concert with Lukas Graham, who was a big deal about three years ago.
At least it’s not Air Supply.
They eighth-grade-sway for a few bars before making out. Connor officially has Hannah Fever and he’s falling slowly in love with the girl in his arms.
Do you know who is no longer falling for Hannah? Tebow Tyler. That’s right. The dude who scored the first one-on-one date mysteriously “had to leave” without a word from Our Host Chris Harrison or an embarrassing public display of humility by an old girlfriend. Hannah just drops that bit of information in the middle of her “this journey has been draining both emotionally and physically” talking head segment.
Sidebar: A simple Google search reveals that Tebow Tyler is allegedly not a good guy.
Sidebar 2: Should we be concerned that Hannah is losing it in week 3? If she’s physically and emotionally spent now, how will she ever make during a two-on-one?
The next group date is a photography session with Franco. He’s pairing up the dudes with different models and all feel uncomfortable knowing Hannah will be watching them with professional good looking individuals probably scantily clad in swimwear or all the way naked.
This is the Bachelor franchise, after all.
Of course, the models are animals and each guy takes on a persona that matches their coworker. Would you like an example? Other Luke holds a mouse while dressed up like a cat. Makes sense, right? There’s Joey in his pajamas holding a pig. Sure, sure. How about Grant in a bathtub with a snake? Happens all the time.
Two big things occur during this very boring date. First, Demi is back to spy on the boys. She hires a makeup artist and an animal handler to flirt it up with Hannah’s men. She wants to know who will cave under the pressure. Guess what? Not one took the bait. Wah-wah.
Second, Hannah joins Peter the Pilot in his photoshoot and they passionately kiss while everyone else watches. Luke can not handle it. He tries to grab Hannah and walk her to the dressing room, which is literally five feet away, and we see the first signs of this relationship begin to crack.
Hannah tells the camera that she likes Luke, but he doesn’t have to be beside her the whole time. Later that night at the cocktail party, she manages to forget the row of black sequins currently lodged up her butt (thanks to a shorty short romper) and patiently listens as Luke tells her to her face that the other guys simply don’t have what it takes to be her husband.
Her eye roll was fabulous.
She affirms his feelings, thanks him for his enthusiasm, then gently tells him that it bothers her that he thinks he’s won her heart already. Luke’s confidence is irritating her. So is the fact that he keeps interrupting. She warns him that he needs to respect the other relationships and to stop being so cocky. Shape up or ship out.
Luke returns to the gathering couch and upon prompting, tells the guys that Hannah is irritated with their relationship. I was blown away that he actually told the truth! Then he slides into jack wagon territory when he tells the camera, “I don’t feel like I”m acting that way. So I’m going to act like the conversation never happened.”
He pulls a Cam and tries to interrupt Dylan, but it’s Hannah who tells him to go away. The self imploding continues as the night goes on. Luke can’t interrupt to save his life. When Peter the Pilot tries to step in, Luke yells at him and guards the door so no one can get in or out without him knowing.
When Hannah exits, he intercepts and she tells him she will talk to him sooner or later, but SHE IS CALLING THE SHOTS. BACK OFF.
Luke sulks back to the couch again and tell the other guys that he’s thinking about leaving. Also, he can’t technically say he’s in love with her, even though he did say that exact thing forty-eight-hours ago. PS: He’ outta here if she’s not fully into the relationship as much as he is in it.
In the other room, Peter the Pilot shines. His parents are perfect. His mom was Miss Illinois, so he totally gets the pageant scene. Let the canoodling commence!
Just when I think we are moving on to the date rose, LO AND BEHOLD there’s a wall kiss (32 second mark)! And a pretty good one I might add! Since Arie is such a chach, we might have a replacement Wall Kiss MVP on our hands, people!
OH LOOK! A WALL STRADDLE! Way to go, Peter. Hannah’s lipstick looks great on you! That shade is definitely in your color wheel.
Hannah heads back with Peter and sits down with the guys. She picks up the rose and then asks Luke for a quick chat. Once again, she asks him to respect her relationships, while adamantly gesturing with the boutonniere in hand. Then she returns to the couch and hands the rose to Peter after sharing IN FRONT OF EVERYONE that she has the best time with him and is excited that their relationship continues to grow more and more.
Suck it, everyone else sitting there.
The next day, Harrison comes in to tell the guys that the cocktail party has been replaced with a tailgate party. One can only assume they are tailgating before the Beverly Hills High lacrosse game. Go Rhododendrons!
Before the gentlemen can properly pretend to be excited about this venture, Cam squashes the energy by warning the guys that he is going to pull Hannah away so he can tell her something very very serious about his personal life. Oh, and there’s a strong likelihood that he won’t get a rose because this will be “too much for her to handle.” Then he salutes the brotherhood for “living their truth” and watches as they stare back at him totally confused.
Here’s what we know from Cam’s brief conversation with Hannah: he had something amputated, his grandmother passed away, and there was an issue with a puppy.
We all check for a fake leg and see that both of Cam’s lower extremities appear to be intact. Therefore, I have every reason to believe that Cam lost a toe.
Hannah rushes away from weirdo Cam into the strong, capable arms of Tyler C. who reminds Hannah that he was a tight end. Don’t believe him? Just grab his butt and see for yourself. When Hannah does, he calmly instructs her to behave. She loves it.
She even loves when he accidentally lets her fall face-first onto the ground when running a football drill. To his defense, she was wearing heels and she didn’t wait for the count of three. Either way, the moment was definitely memorable.
Not everyone is having fun in their show-issued khaki shorts and Polo shirt. Big Mike thinks it’s time to take Cam down and he does it in an extremely smart way. He begins by asking Hannah how she handled “hearing things in the mansion” when she was on the show. Naturally, Hannah wonders what Mike has heard? He tells her that Cam sat them down and said he was going to try and get a pity rose.
Hannah calls MANIPULATION and marches over to the designated corn hole section of the tailgate, requesting a private audience with Cam. Then she rats Mike out, claiming that Cam only told that story, albeit true (show us the toe!), in an effort to stay on the show.
Then there was this letter writing business. Cam actually wrote the guys a note explaining that he was more than likely going home, which is weird because he just told Hannah that he didn’t know if he was going home, but thought more than likely, because who wants to date a guy with nine toes?
Or something like that.
Hannah arrives in her signature colored dress, looking amazing. I would have gone without the funky tassel hanging between my boobs, but Hannah and I are very different people. She easily hands roses out to the following:
Peter the Pilot
John Paul Jones
Joey, Jonathan, and Cam are out. This makes perfect sense. Cam and Jonathan shot themselves in the foot this week (perhaps that’s how Cam lost the toe?) and Joey just remained in the grey area. I will give a big KUDOS to whichever dude convinced Joey to settle down with the severe hair part.
I still get Keith/Kevin confused with Mateo. And I still call Dustin by the name of Devin, while forgetting that Dylan is even a person. Other than that, I think I have them all straight with my top contenders being Tall Connor, Jed, and Peter the Pilot. Big Mike, Tyler C. and Garrett are all right below.
Who are your favorites? Sound off in the comments!