I’m worried about Hannah, y’all. She’s majorly on the struggle bus and it doesn’t look like she’s hopping off any time soon. I’m sure the producers thought that a change of scenery might do her good, which is why the swept her off to Boston while the rest of the cast and crew went to Newport, but she’s still a hot mess.

PS: That’s what makes this show so, so good. 
PSS: Harrison looks HOT in purple plaid.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with the new Aladdin movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people. 

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Jed
“Meet Me in Boston”

Jed doesn’t care that he just traveled across this great nation, only to be shoved into an Uber bound for Boston moments later. He’s super excited about his one-on-one date. How do we know? Easy. He said, “If I had a tail, I’d wag it.” 

That’s Nashville talk for “woo hoo!”

After Hannah works through her knowledge of American history, shuffling through a few takes of the slogan “no taxation without representation,” we watch as she executes a flawless Jump & Straddle™ into Jed’s waiting arms. It’s a miracle he didn’t lose an eye from one of the many spikes protruding from her leather jacket. 

They explore Boston together, wandering along the Freedom Trail as Hannah spouts historical facts that are in no way facts. They take in the sights, kiss here and there, and end up in a place where everybody knows your name, thanks to a bunch of producers demanding that the tourists sign release forms stating they are cool with “Bachelorette Hannah” and “That Guy Jed” pretending to have a date in front of five cameras with them in the background. 

I highly doubt Bostonians frequent the Cheers bar, no matter how much I want that to be true. Am I right Bostonians? I bet y’all don’t float around in those swan boats on weekends, either, do you? It’s like people asking me how many horses I own since I live in Texas.

Which technically doesn’t work on me because my dad does have a few horses. But we don’t ride bulls.

Well, he used to ride bulls but that’s neither here nor there. I’m off topic. Where was I?

Oh yes, Jed and Hannah happily drink their beers and lock lips when the tourists chant for them to kiss. Then they eat some Halo Top Creamery ice cream, which was a rocky bit of product placement UNTIL this commercial aired immediately following this date.

I’ve never been more proud of the Bachelor franchise or Nick Viall in my life. 

After making out for a few minutes in the grass, Hannah takes Jed to the gymnasium where the Boston Celtics practice. Teammates Terry and Jaylen are there to help rebound basketballs and give light dating advice for the happy couple. When Hannah and Jed are presented with Celtic jerseys, they have just as much emotion as one might experience when Harrison announces, “We’re heading across the pond,” or “SWAG BAGS ARE HERE!”

Hannah does a few cartwheels, because duh, and then presents her backside to Jed so he can get up on it in the name of defense. He sort of grabs her boob, accidentally I believe, and then they play a game of H-O-R-S-E, but use the word L-O-V-E instead. Jed makes a basket while he’s kissing Hannah and she thinks it’s the best thing ever.

That night, Hannah takes Jed to a castle where, presumably, the Queen of Massachusetts lives. Jed fills her full of compliments before dropping a rather big bomb. In the spirit of complete honesty, which he knows Hannah respects, he confesses that part of him signed up for the show because it would be a huge platform for his budding music career. 

Hannah face visibly darkens at the thought of Jed not being there for the right reasons (right reasons) and she ever so slightly shifts away from him. He goes on to admit that he genuinely likes her and has been pleasantly surprised by his affection for the girl from Alabama. 

Hannah appreciates his honesty, but wants to know how this is going to work with his music career? She doesn’t want to hinder him from his dreams. How will marriage fit into the picture?

Jed all but promises that Hannah is his dream now. It’s beyond the show. All he needs is her and life will be good.

She gushes, kisses him, pops a rose on his jacket, and shares that she is “catching all the feels” before a whimsical, “Hey oh!” 

FYI: I checked with cool people who know things and “catching all the feels” is what the young ones are saying nowadays, so should you feel inclined, use it at your discretion. Additionally, is “hey oh” the new “roll tide?” 

Again, it’s times like these that I’m most worried about Hannah’s well-being.

Next up is the group date and most of the men seem to be equally excited and fearful that they are about to play a rousing game of rugby. The head rugby guy is all about the blood and guts and gore and broken bones, which normally would make me roll my eyes. HOWEVER, I’ve seen Friends a time or two and thanks to Ross’ need to impress Emily, I know that this sport can be brutal. 

The guys practice with the rugby dudes while simultaneously trying to flirt with Hannah. When they go inside to change into their colorful jerseys and shorty shorts, the entirety of Newport, Rhode Island shows up to Fort Adams and create a barrier around the rugby field. Naturally the green team will be playing against the blue team in front of a rowdy crowd of rugby enthusiasts. 

ABC chooses to shoot most of the rugby montage in slow motion so the viewing audience can properly experience the sport alongside Hannah’s dudes. To no one’s surprise, Luke P. dominates in an aggressive Alpha Male way that is annoying. To everyone’s surprise, John Paul Jones actually knows what he’s doing.

And then there’s Kevin. (Or is it Keith?) He dislocates his shoulder and removes himself from the game, requesting an ambulance ride to the nearest hospital. As he’s loaded into the ambulance, Hannah cries, “BYE MATEO! FEEL BETTER!” and turns her attention back to the game where the real Mateo is currently picking grass out of a cut on his leg. It’s at this point I worry for the guy with the nose ring. I’m positive that adornment will be ripped from his nostril by the day’s end.

Suddenly, drama unfolds. We weren’t prepared for it. Neither were the cameras. We see Hannah looking onto the field and in the bottom left corner of the TV, we vaguely notice, but DEFINITELY hear Luke P. body slam Luke S. into the ground. 

Luke P. has gone full-blown Red Ross. 

Hannah looks concerned, but doesn’t move. The audience members are shocked and one woman’s hands fly to her mouth in utter disbelief. By the grace of the good Lord, Baby Luke is not injured to the point of needing an additional ambulance. He is able to both walk and breathe, which is a phenomenon in and of itself. 

He makes his way back to his huddle and doesn’t have to say a word. Everyone saw what Luke P. did, but it’s Garrett who gives Baby Luke the best advice: It’s all about how you respond, man. Be cool.

Luke P’s team wins and everyone heads inside to presumably pop pain pills and take turns sitting in an ice bath. Once the feeling in their extremities has returned, they suit up for the cocktail party, replace their musk with Icy Hot, and gingerly head out to meet Hannah. 

Hannah, on the other hand, might be ready for bed. I can’t be sure because I’m unable to decipher if her outfit is a silky pant suit without a blouse or silky pajamas with the top three buttons missing. With either option, I know boob tape was involved. You can tell she’s super uncomfortable with everyday acts, such as sitting and standing. But she presses on because she needs to know what the deal is with Luke P. and his sudden decision to body slam a guy half his size.

Luke’s response is simple. He was defending himself from the 150-pound man. He claims Baby Luke had clenched fists and was clearly about to take a swing. At first Hannah is skeptical, like a normal person, but her intuition is dashed when Luke’s pheromones take over her endocrine system. She starts nodding her head when he complains that Baby Luke “is always short” and “avoids me.” 

And one more thing — Baby Luke never talks about Hannah. Instead he drones on and on about his liquor company. 

Hannah hears Luke P, respects Luke P, and fetches Baby Luke to get to the bottom of why he isn’t here for the right reasons (right reasons.)

Baby Luke’s story is a little different. According to him, Luke P. tackled him (unnecessarily) pretty hard. So Baby Luke calmly walked up to him with a “what gives, man?” vibe. He was greeted by a cheap shot toss to the ground and a knee to the head. 

Hannah considers what Baby Luke says for a hot second before getting down to the real reason he’s sitting across a velvet couch from her. What’s up with this liquor business and why does it trump her in the order of importance on this journey to find love?

Baby Luke is beside himself. Another layer of annoyance washes over him as he complains that Luke P. doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s not even a business yet! He’s simply selling tequila online, which can be easily purchased at www.bachelortequilarocks.biz. 

Hannah refrains from rolling her eyes, but it’s clear she’s not interested in Baby Luke in any way. She “understands that he is frustrated.” That’s code for “ this is the perfect scenario for him to get the boot.” Just when Hannah summons the ABC Intern to fire up the rejection SUV, destination Logan International Airport, Baby Luke says something that makes her pause.

BL: “You say that I am frustrated with him and I am. But I’m not the only one. All of us are frustrated with Luke P. I urge you to ask the other guys about him.”

So she does. She talks to Nose Ring, Big Mike, and some guy named Dylan. All concur that Luke P. is frustrating. 

Later, all the guys gang up on Luke P. when Baby Luke reports that Luke P. has been telling lies. Garrett leads the charge, confirming that Luke P. did indeed unnecessarily body check Baby Luke. 

Luke P. vows that he didn’t remember how it happened, only that he saw Baby Luke coming at him. He had to defend himself, so he slammed him into the ground and barely grazed his head with his knee.

Interesting. It sounds like you remember exactly what went down. 

All the guys leave Luke P. to dig his own grave one-by-one. It’s a showdown when both Lukes are left staring at one another. One is ticked. The other is a psychopath. 

Garrett takes advantage of all the drama by whisking Hannah away to an alcove for some smooching. He admits that he is crushing for her hard. Garrett’s best move was NOT mentioning either Luke.

Peter does the same thing. He compliments Hannah’s energy and outlook and calls her his “special girl.” He assures her that they have a solid foundation and he wants to see where this adventure takes them. I’m sure it was a flying metaphor, but I’m too lazy to rewind.

Sadly, Peter does not get the date rose. That goes to Garrett in his crimson Roll Tide jacket. 

SECOND ONE-ON-ONE
Footloose Tyler

Here’s where things go south for me. We see Hannah sitting by the water crying buckets of tears. She is distraught and confused. Why? Because she has STRONG feelings for Luke P. 

STRONG FEELINGS FOR LUKE FREAKING P.

Hannah is mentally breaking down or several reasons. First, she is mad that her number one top choice is a jack wagon. Two, she’s irritated that everyone knows it. Next, she’s upset that she has no clue how to pick a guy. And finally, she’s appalled that she wouldn’t know a red flag if it whacked her in the face. 

This is not good news for Footloose Tyler, who just so happens to be walking up behind her. She whines a little bit and moans about the fact that she had a really hard night. I’m sure Tyler was given all the gory details on the Luke debacle. Although he’s not smart enough to presume that her tears are from grieving, verses anger, he does have enough wattage in the lightbulb to know that the only way either of them are going to get through the date is to compare it to a real life relationship.

You see, Tyler wants to be near Hannah in the highs and the lows. And he’s staring low right in the face. A red, snotty face.

He encourages her with well-meaning sentiments, like “this too shall pass” and “I’ll fix you up” and “I got you, girl” and “we’ll have fun regardless.”

What is this fun you speak of? Why it’s lobster trapping, of course! Nothing pulls an emotionally overwrought person out of her boy trouble blues like a day of manual labor. And although Tyler did a great job trying to boost Hannah’s spirits with hardcore flirting and a quick make out sesh during the golden hour, I have every confidence that Tyler is not Hannah’s lobster.

That night at dinner, Tyler pumps Hannah full of compliments and then listens as she tells him that he is pretty darn great. She even shares that she thought Tyler was a player, but is quickly changing her tune. What made him come on the show?

Tyler explains that he is comfortable in his own skin and is ready to give himself to someone else. Oh, and his dad almost died, but he didn’t, and they bonded over The Bachelor (the one where Hannah was a contestant) when he was recovering from surgery. It makes all the sense in the world.

Hannah gives him the rose (for putting up with her all day) and takes him to a private concert where country music artist Jake Owen plays an acoustic version of a very sweet love song.

I thought several things during this date…

• Man, Tyler’s pants are so tight.
• Man, Jake Owen is hot. I’m glad he cut his hair.
• Are these the same Newport people who went to the rugby game?
• Is Tyler choreographing his kisses to the lyrics of the song?
• Does Tyler know who Jake Owen is?
• Would it be weird if Hannah took the rose from Tyler and gave it to Jake?
• I don’t think so.

Rose Ceremony (Not)

Hannah arrives in a black dress. This is a surefire indication that things are not well. Where is her signature red rose ceremony dress? Is the black frock foreshadowing of the night’s events?

Well, we won’t know until next week. The only thing we saw was Peter getting horizontal with her on a couch after asking Hannah to be his girlfriend. Then we watch as Mike gets angry with Luke P. for screwing up everyone’s fun because he’s such a chach.

Luke S. tries to convince Hannah he’s in this, but she has already made up her mind about him. She questions his character, which is super annoying since Luke P. was the one who threw him under the bus. All the boys think Luke P. should go and tell Hannah the truth — that what he said about Baby Luke was wrong.

Luke P. listens and heads off to find Hannah. No one follows him, which was a rookie mistake. Luke P. tells Hannah that “Baby Luke wanted me to come and smooth things over with you.”

BALDERDASH!

Of course Hannah asks Baby Luke why he would get Luke P. to smooth things over? It’s a classic case of Luke said, Luke said. 

So Hannah does what not many bachelorettes do. She calls a meeting with BOTH LUKES and asks them to duke it out in front of her. 

And that’s where the episode ends.

What do you think? I say Baby Luke is definitely going home. It’s easy for her to ditch him now. She doesn’t like him and this is the perfect excuse. Luke P., on the other hand, gives Hannah all the feels that none other on the show can duplicate. Will she give him another shot? Or finally pay attention to the red flags waving in her face?

Sound off in the comments!