I am a professional Bachelor franchise recapper. Since 2003, I have settled in front of my television to watch someone’s journey to find love. There are definitely highs. There are certainly lows. I scream. I rejoice. I once did a little dance. 

I’ve learned what’s attractive (kiss up against the wall) and what’s not (calling yourself ABC), but never in my sixteen years of doing this have I been somewhat entertained in the first half of an episode and completely disappointed by the second half.

Bachelor Nation is with me. I think we can we all agree that ABC should have served up Hannah’s “STAY IN YOUR LANE” cocktail party for an hour and then announced the Bachelor in Paradise season 6 cast. 

We needed that time to figure out why someone named “Jane” is on the roster. 

Instead, we are treated to a random walk down Memory Lane. There are several conspiracy theories out there as to why Our Host Chris Harrison would garner so much air time in a single two-hour episode, but I have my own idea as to why this happened and it’s in no way dramatic. 

I know this seems like a no-brainer for me. Shouldn’t I rejoice in any and all extra shots of Harrison I can get? Can you imagine him in Scotland? I bet he smelled like the salty North Sea, three fingers of whiskey, and certitude. Oh to see that man in a kilt!

See? My made up recap is already better than what went down last night.

I think the bloated second half was filler. Nothing more, nothing less. If I had to guess, I’d say that ABC thought Hannah’s inaugural lecture and her big finish lecture were TV gold. If you notice, they filmed them both in their entirety. You could tell by the shaky camera work. 

Merging that piece with the Luke P. nonsense at the beginning, and you’re looking at a good 45-minutes of television. The decision had to be made to squish three Latvian dates into one hour or to conjure up some fluff and just take a punch to the gut from the viewers. 

I don’t do spoilers, so I have no idea if I’m right. My friend Jessica over at Star 101 had a theory, too. She thinks we were given a recap of the last five weeks so we could get connected and invested in the lives of the guys whose name is not Luke. Meaning, if Luke leaves, will we even know or care anything about these jokers? Peter is a pilot and Conner is tall. Jed is a musician and Garrett has hero hair. The end.

Interesting angle, isn’t it?

I will say that Hannah continues to bump herself up in my book. The way she handled the bro-bickering situation, the ridiculousness of her rose ceremony pre-game antics, and that huge split in her dress, I found myself cheering her on with hand claps and one unfortunate “you go girl” like it was 1997. 

Before we press into that high-fiving moment, we have to get the remainder of Luke’s date out of the way. When we last left him, he was staring bewildered at Hannah after hearing his fate: “I can’t give you this rose.” 

Luke listens intently as Hannah explains that she had to “raise her voice” and “she can’t get there with him” and “she doesn’t know what happened.” Then Luke takes full ownership of the no good very bad day and smiles. He suggests they “move on.”

Uh, dude, the rose has been picked up AND put back down on the skinny tray. You had your shot, man. Game over. 

He gives her the longest hug in the history of the show. It lasts about as long as the video recap in hour two. This is when I notice that her red dress is, to quote my friend Audrey, a difficult geometry problem. It’s part cold left clavicle paired with cold under boob. A feat of engineering, indeed. And Audrey would know. She’s an engineer.

Next, the producers kick him out of the front door into the dead of night and make him walk down the longest driveway in the history of the show, where the rejection SUV waits to whisk him back to the airport. 

The shot, with the glowing rejection headlights, produces an ominous silhouette of Luke trudging in defeat. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

Suddenly, the jack wagon executes a perfect about face and heads in the opposite direction. This is what it looks like when you proclaim that you will fight for your woman no matter what. 

Or it’s what psychotic behavior looks like. You be the judge. 

Luke comes in hot, taking all the blame of the last 48-hours. He faults his poor behavior on “not understanding the emotions he was having” and feeling like he wanted to cry or scream. Hannah suggests he should have done that, so home boy backs up and screams.

Because he’s a parrot. 

Hannah blurts out that she is going crazy when Luke rambles on about how he wants a rose on his coat (read: blazer), and that he will move mountains for her and that he didn’t know what she really wanted until she told him at dinner and that he refuses to say good-bye. 

Welcome to the rest of your life, Hannah. Read the room. And the red flags.

The next thing we know, Luke is back at the bro house without a rose on his coat (read: lapel.) Even though this was filmed months ago, I can feel the air being sucked out of that room through my screen. The dudes are literally defeated.

Did he come back without Hannah knowing? Is he just crashing, hoping to sneak in during the rose ceremony the next night? Did she tell him he could stay?

I blame that long, long hug. Pesky pheromones. 

Luke launches into the dirty details of how Hannah told him it was the worst date ever and she felt like their relationship wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t get a rose, but Hannah still wants him there. Or she was tired of arguing with him and just agreed that he could stay. Who cares, right? Producers pick.

Garrett pulls out his soapbox and stands on it. He asks Luke if any names were brought up during the date. Luke promises that he didn’t speak about anyone. Garrett lets him know that he does not believe him. Luke takes this personally and goes to church to pray about it. Then he prays again for the camera man to get a different angle. 

ROSE CEREMONY

The guys are excited to have a night devoted to getting to know Hannah better. When any of them actually say that out loud to the camera, we all know that the cocktail party will inevitably be canceled. In this instance, Footloose Tyler, in his tight pants, jinxed the night. 

I’d also like to point out that the Brotherhood of the Dusty Rose Jacket is nowhere to be seen. I bet the ABC Intern finally took it to be cleaned after that many wears. Surely it will show back up in Latvia, right? I find it more interesting than Kevin. Or Keith.

Hannah shows up in a white, essentially, leotard dress. It’s like what a gymnast would wear to a fancy competition. The item is paired with the mother of all shoulder pads duster coat, trimmed with sparkles. The ensemble is a sight to behold. So is her entire left leg. I guess wardrobe got the memo that she needs the ability to straddle when attending a rose ceremony party.

She begins the night with scripture, encouraging the guys to focus on the unseen. She has a little trouble toasting her champagne flute, thanks to the aforementioned shoulder pad monstrosity that hinders her arms from properly lifting to a norma human position. She settles for T-Rex arms and does a back bend to lift the glass to her lips.

Garrett is the first to whisk her away. Their conversation is awkward. Especially when he brings up Luke. He wants to know if the chach kept his word and didn’t talk about anyone else on their date. That would be a big, fat NOPE. But Hannah does say that she was the one who brought up other people — not Luke. They talked about Mike, Not Mateo, and the artist former known as Devin. 

Naturally Garrett informs the group, and suggests that Luke check his pants, since they must be on fire. Luke suddenly remembers that there were some names brought up, blah, blah, blah. 

Prince Devin wants to know what Luke said about him. So do I, because I’m not sure this guy has even spoken, let alone participated in the show. 

Bicker, bicker, bicker. 

Poor Conner doesn’t even get to sit down with Hannah for any alone time. This tall drink of water can’t catch a break. She gets sick on his one-on-one date, doesn’t speak to him for three more weeks, and now performs her own about face to march right back into the brotherhood to lay down the law. 

It’s best if you watch it yourself. Soak up the tension. Drink in the drama. 

The boys don’t listen and mama has to come in the room AGAIN…

She sort of spiraled there at the end. I wondered why Peter didn’t help her land the plane, but then I realized he and Jed were the two smartest of the bunch.

Sit in silence. Make no eye contact. Sip white wine. Don’t spill on the couch. 

Tyler suggests they all chill and shame them for making Hannah’s last night in Scotland such a bust. Garrett apologizes to the group for being petty. Luke thanks him for his apology (that he extended the group) and berates him for ruining his chances to get to sit down with Hannah and tell her things he needed to say.

Garrett’s ability to restrain from punching Luke in the face is remarkable. 

Meanwhile, Hannah cries into the arms of my beloved Chris Harrison. She’s the luckiest girl in the land. He gives her his pocket square, because he’s a gentleman, and gently tells her to buck up, Buttercup. The boys are bickering because they like her soooooo much. They see Luke getting attention and they don’t like it. 

Hannah calls Hare on his crap and says, “They don’t respect me enough to do this myself.”

Harrison backtracks and reminds Hannah that they are all here for her. Then he begs her not to jump over a wall. 

Hare: We are all here for you. 
Hannah: It doesn’t feel that way.

Hare: Please don’t jump over a wall.
Hannah: Don’t tempt me. I could do it in this leotard. 

Hare: It’s your party. Have fun.
Hannah: The party is over.

Then, in my favorite part of the entire season, Hannah walks into the rose ceremony room and instead of giving a little speech, she stares each one down in at least three seconds of uncomfortable tension. Not…a…word. 

Roses are handed to everyone except Prince Devin, Grant, and Keith/Kevin. No surprises there.

What is surprising is the next scene. With no champagne toast celebrating the subsequent leg of this amazing journey, we depend on the animated map to show us where in the world Latvia is located. We find Our Host Chris Harrison at a cafe with Hannah, who appears to be a full-time rider on an endless struggle bus. 

Guess what? Hannah feels like every week of her journey has been straight up bonkers. This isn’t going to work. Time’s running out and the future is not bright. She needs to talk it out with her mentor. 

Harrison is unsettled. Being forced to leave St. Andrews, where he was playing a few rounds of golf with Dr. Owen Hunt and Robb Stark, to fly to Latvia is unacceptable. Is this cry fest worth the extra paycheck? Time will tell. 

Hannah cries. Harrison blames the heaviness of the circumstances. I blame jet lag, not eating anything to fit into those dresses, lack of sleep, booze, and the fact that she is in love with a bad boy and no one else.

After a commercial break, we find Our Host standing in front of the mansion.

What…is…going…on?

I’m glad you asked. We technically don’t know. But somewhere between Latvia and the final rose ceremony, ABC flew Chris and Hannah back out to the mansion to dissect her time, so far, in this process. If you need to know what was discussed, might I suggest you read my previous recaps. They are way better. 

Other things we learn: 

• Her favorite date was the drag queen date.
• She only kissed five guys before coming on the bachelorette.
• Luke is the best kisser.
• She named her zit Marcus. 

And there you have it. Such a waste of time. As I mentioned before, we could have used this precious real estate to get to know the cast of Bachelor in Paradise season 6, which was announced later that night. But NO! I had to go figure out who Jane is myself!

Stay tuned for my rundown on that hot mess!