Bachelorette Hannah Recap: Fantasy Suites
As the episode wrapped with Bachelorette Hannah flipping off the rejection SUV that carried Luke into the onset of a tropical storm, I took a moment to marvel at the two-hour spectacular which will forever be known in Bachelor Nation as “the windmill episode.”
Never have I gasped at the television so ardently or wavered in my ability to pick a lane as to which suitor I think will win Hannah’s heart. I screamed and vigorously pointed at a windmill. I hid behind a couch cushion during a couple’s massage. I longed for half a Prozac when a member of My Big Fat Greek Wedding interrogated Hannah’s ability to identify true love.
And I mourned the harsh reality that Our Host Chris Harrison was nowhere to be found. That, dear friends, was the true travesty of last night’s episode.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on InstaStory happens to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who’s obsessed with the new Aladdin movie and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
FIRST FORGO CARD DATE
Hannah wastes no time executing an uneventful Jump & Straddle® straight into the arms of Peter. For a moment, I was sure there was clear and present evidence of a booty shot, but I was confused by the lack of our beloved black modesty box. It turns out, Hannah’s cute, very short, summery “dress” is actually a cover-up for a red bikini, which helped me puzzle through the greeting unfolding before my eyes.
The two lovebirds jaunt over to a sailboat, head up to the bow so they can recreate a famous part of a twenty-two-year-old movie. The next thing we know, there’s a lovely shot of Hannah’s bikini bottoms, or red panties since we never actually saw her in a bikini, laying on top of Peter. I can report that the viewing audience would have witnessed motor boating had the camera not suddenly switched shots.
The new shot, unfortunately, was a terrible angle. Right up the barrel of the couple, feet first. No one wants to see that, ABC, but I understand if this was the only position you could find to keep things PG-13 rated for network television. Perhaps I should salute you instead of condemn.
Peter tries to tell Hannah how much she means to him, but his words are sparse because she is literally laying right on top of him. He’s dealing with a lot at this point. His airway is constricted, his heart is bursting from love, his body is suffering a heat stroke because Hannah mounted him before he could change out of his jeans, and his extremities are slowly frying, thanks to lack of sunscreen. But to Peter, it’s all worth it.
That night at dinner, Hannah arrives in pink and Peter looks smitten as a kitten. That kitten over there by the table. Or that one. Or that one over there by the water. Take your pick.
Peter knows it’s go time and Hannah waits patiently as he takes twenty minutes to process through his feelings. He says “like” every other word and it occurs to me how awkward his in-flight announcements must sound:
“Folks, this is like your Captain speaking. And like though I’ve liked turned off the seat-belt sign, please like note that the like “no smoking” light will like remain on. There is, like, no smoking on this flight. Unless you’re like smokin’ hot. Like me.”
Once Peter drops the L-Bomb, he can’t stop dropping it. Hannah gives him the forgo card and we all shout when we see the two of them wandering up to a windmill. Look at that! He is king of the world after all!
They carbo load on a couple of snacks, laugh at the basket of condoms, and settle in the carved out hole that Mike Fleiss is calling a fantasy suite.
The next morning, the ABC Intern releases the birds and the bees, for optimal sexual innuendo footage, and the camera pans over Peter and Hannah’s discarded clothes. Hannah hones in on her environment, by comparing Peter to Zeus. She is Aphrodite. Aphrodite is Zeus’ daughter.
You do you, Hannah.
Peter tells her all the right things she needs to hear. “This is real. I’m here. I’ll be patient. I don’t want to say good-bye.” Then he tells the camera that he has trouble imagining any of the other guys having the chemistry they have together.
SECOND FORGO CARD DATE
Hannah wastes no time executing an enthusiastic Jump & Straddle® straight into the arms of Tyler. Hannah thinks that she deserves to relax and wants to do that with the model/construction dancer. And she wants to do it topless. They talk about his family, as she lays there, topless. I wonder why Tyler is getting a massage instead of an exfoliation or a skin peel, but I get over it when he secretly hops up from his table without Hannah noticing. What is going on?
The two Grecian women who have been paid to provide a spa day are dismissed when Tyler gets too randy. He starts to massage Hannah himself. This turns into Cinemax After Dark and I don’t know what happened because I was behind a couch cushion shouting through a muffled voice, “ARE THEY DONE YET?”
At dinner, Tyler shows up in the Brotherhood of the Traveling Dusty Rose Jacket and compliments Hannah’s 70’s inspired wardrobe. Before Tyler can say, “There’s my girl,” Hannah verbal vomits all over him with choppy train of thought sentences. She’s talking very fast, because I think she believes she won’t go through with it if she doesn’t get her thoughts out in the open.
What won’t she go through? I’m glad you asked.
Hannah tells Tyler that she knows they have great physical chemistry. She’s tempted by him, sure, but she needs to draw this big old boundary for both their sakes. Therefore, she doesn’t want to do any kind of forgoing with him in the fantasy suite. Tyler pretends to understand and tells her that he is find spending the night getting to know each other better. He wants her to be open with him.
I’m pretty sure that was not a sexual innuendo.
They take their time opening up and getting to know one another on a fancy yacht. I can report that boat was rockin’, but I believe that was just the waves. Nothing amorous, I’m sure.
Hannah is delighted by Tyler’s personality. The next morning, she admits she’s seen another side of him that is extremely attractive. She tells the camera that he is the most respectful man she’s ever been with and then she cries.
Hannah is over tired.
THIRD FORGO CARD DATE
Hannah wastes no time regular jumping straight into the arms of Jed. The lack of straddle was due to her tight, binding skirt. I thought the wardrobe department had been warned about this after her inability to mount Jed when he was sitting on the JV version of the Game of Thrones, throne, but I guess I’m mistaken.
Jed chooses to wear the ugliest colored shirt in the history of the world for his super important date with Hannah. Think baby diarrhea in clothing form.
Instead of a boat or a massage, Jed gets the lame date where they have to wander around the city. They happen upon a Big Fat Greek Luncheon and Hannah is overcome with uncomfortableness when one of the aunts asks about their love for one another. Things get weird when Voula offers: “When you know, you just know.”
Things get really, really weird when Voula straight up inquires: “Are you ready to make a decision yet? How will you decide?”
Poor Jed can’t stand it anymore, so he jumps up from the table. Does he have to go to the bathroom? Is it the ouzo? Has the liquid viagra kicked in?
He asks Hannah to join him. It’s time to rip the Band-Aid. Jed must speak his truth and be honest. Hannah likes that, right? He needs clarity and he needs it now. He wants to be one-thousand-percent that Hannah is in this, even though I’m sure he meant to say one-hundred-percent.
Jed brings up Luke which makes Hannah’s facial expression change from worried to YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. Jed’s angle is that he doesn’t want Hannah to get hurt. He wants her to end up with the best person. Luke is a liar.
Hannah clears her throat. That’s a subtle hint that she needs her next line, but since this is an unscripted move by Jed, the ABC Intern is prepping the forego suite and isn’t there with his trusty cue cards.
Hannah jumps into the deep end and tells Jed that she has a strong connection with Luke. One that she can’t describe. She thinks he’s here for her and he’s definitely a good guy.
Jed isn’t ready to let this one go, bless his heart. So at dinner that night, instead of quizzing Hannah on how her asymmetrical dress (complete with full left boob lace) is able to physically stay on her body, he brings it up again after Hannah thanks him for being honest earlier.
Hannah asks, “Are we good?”
Jed answers, “I would be lying if I didn’t say that it affects how I feel.”
DING! Round two, ladies and gentlemen.
Hannah is upset by this remark. Especially when Jed CONTINUES by saying, “How can you look at me and tell me you’re falling in love, but then keep someone who has been so toxic? It makes me feel worried that you have a hard time letting go of things that hurt you.”
Hannah chugs her wine and takes a lap. Jed follows her, holds her, and then pulls her in for a hug. They stand in that embrace for a little while, allowing the camera man to catch his breath from running to capture Rogue Hannah. They are herded back to the table to finish their conversation.
It’s from a place of love, people. Jed thinks everyone needs to calm down. Hannah gets it. But he needs to let Hannah figure it out on her own. And trust the decision she’s making. Tonight is all about them and the forgo card.
Jed, relieved that his soapbox moment didn’t spoil his opportunity to take a turn in the fantasy suite, is happy when she forgives him. He tells her he loves her and then they head over to the fantasy suite that is a legit suite. This place could be on MTV cribs. There’s a pool inside!
But they don’t care about that. Jannah makes a beeline for the big, ginormous bed. They do not pass go. They do not collect two hundred.
Hannah does, however, murmur “Come to Mama” when Jed closes the forgo room door and I can’t help but yell at my television. Bless.
The next morning, the pair stay in bed and talk about how much fun they had. Jed tells the camera they didn’t sleep a wink and that it’s exactly what they needed. Hannah tells him good-bye in her pink nightie and then cries because life is super hard.
FOURTH FORGO CARD DATE
Hannah wastes no time executing an impressively high Jump & Straddle® straight into the arms of Luke. He is so happy that Hannah knows he’s the one. #blessagain
They take a helicopter ride out to Santorini. We have no evidence if Peter was the pilot. Hannah is excited that she is back on course with Luke and is checking off an item on her bucket list with someone who loves her. She also reminds the audience that Luke is hands down, the best kisser.
Luke tells her that when he looks into her eyes, he sees his future wife. Who cares that they are practically sitting in a postcard? He likes giggling with her. And please, pay no attention to his leg wound. It’s fine. Moving on.
Hannah wear’s her animal-print version of Sandy’s “You’re the One That I Want” outfit and the kind of earrings you would have to say, “Girl, hold my hoops” if you were in a fight. Hannah has been heavy handed with the bronzer and looks like she’s the happiest she’s ever been in her entire life.
Luke: “Let’s talk about sex.”
And here we go. I understand we all have lots of feelings about this portion of the episode, and I would ask that we all approach this with one thing in mind:
This is a reality television show. A dating realty show that has been airing since 2003. A reality show you try out for to be on national television by signing a contract that you will do and say certain things.
If you don’t want to watch the entire ordeal yourself, consider this my best effort at an emotional transcript.
Situation: Luke says that “forever shouldn’t be taken lightly.” He also says, “I want things the way I want it.” And finally, he wants to keep the marriage bed pure, even though they have both admitted to previously having relations in their pasts.
Sticky Moment: Luke says, “I’m confident we are on the same page. Lots of people say they will do one thing, but then do the opposite.”
Problem: Luke wants to make sure Hannah is not going to be sexually intimate with the other guys.
Problem: Luke says that if she told him she was having, or had multiple interludes, he would go home. One hundred percent.
Situation: Hannah tells Luke that she doesn’t agree with some of the things Luke said. He is not her husband and he shouldn’t be questioning her or judging her.
Sticky Moment: Hannah tells Luke that pride is a sin.
Problem: Luke responds by saying, “I’m willing to work through anything you’ve done.”
Sticky Moment: Hannah reminds him that she’s a grown woman and can make her own decisions.
Situation: Luke says that he is misunderstood. Again.
Problem: He tells her that he understand that people can “slip up.”
Situation: Hannah is very mad. But she does confess to the guy sitting across from her that he was the closest she’s ever felt to love at first sight.
Sticky Moment: Luke has broken her heart. She’s ignored the red flags. She should have known better.
Note: Was she thinking Jed was right this entire conversation?
Situation: Hannah claims that Luke holds other people to a high standard, but clearly he struggles with all sorts of things in his life. And she was willing to give him grace.
Note: It starts raining at this point. Kudos to the ABC Intern for both holding a water hose sprayer and turning a wind machine on and off.
Problem: Luke tells Hannah that if she did “slip up,” that wouldn’t change what he wants with her in the future.
Note: Which is opposite of what he said up above.
Sticky Moment: Hannah wants to know why he has to know if she had sex in order to move forward with their relationship?
Situation: Hannah brings up the woman caught in adultery from John 8:7 — “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Note: The other part of that scripture is, “Now go and sin no more.”
Situation: Hannah has been praying for clarity and now she has it. She tells Luke she does not want him to be her husband.
Sticky Moment: Luke refuses to get up and Hannah has to bark at him to “COME ON.”
Luke: “I feel like you owe me a minute to speak.”
Hannah: “I don’t owe you anything.”
Problem: Luke thinks that what they have is undeniable. And something inside of him is refusing to get into the rejection SUV.
Sticky Moment: Hannah can get him into the rejection SUV.
Hannah: “I’ve had sex. And Jesus still loves me.”
Problem: She brings up the windmill escapade.
Problem: Luke asks if he can pray over her.
Sticky Moment: She flips off the rejection SUV as he drives away, admitting later that a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders.
Crazy, right? The fact that Luke comes back next week during the rose ceremony is intriguing to me. For the longest time, I suspected that he was the one who came back with a ring (as we all did) and that she would swing back into his arms after he said something charming and then kissed her.
But it doesn’t appear that is the case. In fact, it looks like Hannah has a trio of Luke Haters putting up a barrier between her and him. She’s crying uncontrollably. And by the looks of their Twitter back-and-forth last night, I believe that Luke is NOT the last one standing anymore.
So who will it be? It’s clear that she was the most enamored with Luke. Will everyone else pale in comparison? If you had to narrow it down from Peter, Tyler, and Jed, who would you put in the final two?