Bachelorette JoJo recap: Bring on the meat sweats
Bachelorette JoJo Recap: Episode 2 —
I believe that every season of The Bachelorette needs a bad guy. I also get that villains gotta vil. What I don’t understand is why show runners think we want to watch two hours of said villain, villing between working out and eating copious amounts of meat.
The Chad is a luxury d-bag. Anyone who modifies his CrossFit routine by shoving large jugs of protein powder into an empty suitcase so he can use it as a weight for pull-ups has chach-like tendencies. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just ask Wells or E.D. to hang from his waist instead of making the ABC Intern fetch a chain?
To quote the Super Fan James, “Watching a man, in this case a Chad, use a weight belt in such a revolutionary way is inspiring.”
Then he called him a meat heat. I liked Stepford James. I’ll miss his commentary.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
FIRST GROUP DATE
“Let’s Heat Things Up”
James the Boxer
A handful of dudes wearing beanies watch through the window as The Chad enters into his luxury exercise regime by hoisting himself up onto the pergola. They enjoy a morning cup of Budweiser while pointing, laughing and generally rolling their eyes. Damn Daniel rushes upstairs to put on a tight black tank so he can match The Chad. They are bros now because they share a sense of cool.
Suddenly, we hear a loud explosion. Everyone runs out into the driveway. One of the limos is on fire. Grant does nothing. This concerns me. Shouldn’t some sort of fire fighting reflexes take over? At the very least I expected him to chuck his Solo cup full of beer in the direction of the inferno. He did not.
A fire truck turns around the corner and JoJo exits in a randy version of a fireman’s uniform. Naturally, she’s pulling a hose, which sparks many junior high-related jokes. The boys cheer her on as she puts out the fire. Once she succeeds, she adjusts the suspenders so that they adequately squish her boobs together before going in to hug each guy who will be accompanying her on the date.
JoJo explains that trust is a big deal for her and she wants a man who can help her in an emergency or save her from burning buildings. The Fire Chief makes all the guys dress for the challenge. This is when we learn that fireman gear weighs more than Wells.
Five minutes into the training session, Wethe deejay begins to struggle. Bless his baby heart. It isn’t a question of “if” Wells is going to pass out, but “when” Wells is going to pass out. Fire Chief instructs him to de-gear and chug water. JoJo sits down beside the now horizontal bachelor. Her cascading hair provides some much needed shade from the hot California sun. Even though his lips are still a distirubing shade of white, proving he almost died, Wells scores some extra one-on-one time with the bachelorette. You can’t put a price tag on that, people.
Fire Chief asks Grant, Luke and Wells (#cruel) to compete for JoJo’s love. Luke looks around at his competition, considering his odds. Grant is a firefighter, so that doesn’t seem fair. Wells has one foot in the grave, so that seems unsportsmanlike. He decides to do his best, hoping he can beat the guy who does this for a living, while not feeling guilty if Wells keels over in the middle of the exercise. He fights a fire, chops a floor and uses an axe where a wall instructs him to, “HIT HERE.” Sadly, it is Grant who rescues the fair maiden first and is rewarded with a passionate, smoke-filled kiss.
Grant’s heroic efforts secure him some alone time with JoJo. As they talk about how he does this kind of thing on a regular basis, I’m distracted by JoJo’s interesting wardrobe choice. The dress is her favorite color, short and tight, but it has a turtleneck and long sleeves. I notice that the shoulders are cut out. It’s like a keyhole for cleavage, except it’s on top of the garment. My friend Emily tells me this phenomenon is called, “cold shoulders.” While JoJo makes out with Grant, I discover that the dress has holes in the thigh area too. We’ll call these “cold quads.”
JoJo makes her way over to Wells. She congratulates him for having the ability to stand up straight. He laughs it off and shares a picture of his dog named Carl. We also learn that E.D. is the only contestant with kids and Robby likes to wear tiny white roses on his lapel.
Then there’s Luke. JoJo isn’t interested that he is ex-military and went to West Point. She wants to know about his past relationships. Luke admits that he had a long-term thing back in 2013, but he’s ready to be vulnerable again. They find a secluded balcony and Luke offers JoJo his jacket. She pulls him to her and he nuzzles into her neck. Since the stupid turtle neck is in the way, I scream for him to go for the cold shoulder! IT’S RIGHT THERE! Instead, JoJo guides his face to her face and they make out. It’s very sultry. He’s downright baffled when Jo hands the date rose to Wells.
“Love is Full of Choices”
Derek looks like Jon Krasinski’s little brother. Behold:
Here’s hoping Derek looks like Jim Halpert under his sweaters:
JoJo picks Derek up in a convertible. Once again, I curse the ABC Intern for not providing the woman with a scrunchie. As her hair flies all over the place, she explains to Derek that they are going to have a bachelor version of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. She pulls out of the driveway and Derek spies two signs: Sky or Sea. They both shout “SKY” at the same time and giggle over the fact that they are soooo in sync. There are two private jets at the airport and both choose to fly north instead of south. San Francisco…here we come!
JoJo’s high waisted jeans were unfortunate. I thought it was funny that they had a thumb war in the cabin of the plane. I also praised them for choosing to visit the Golden Gate Bridge instead of Lombard Street. Who knows how a limo would have ever negotiated that bit of real estate. Derek toasts JoJo with a glass of wine overlooking the Bay. He must have punked out on the choice between chardonnay and single malt whiskey.
Derek tells the camera that when he and JoJo lock eyes, there are fireworks. He knows that this doesn’t happen with just anyone. Big Tuna is falling hard, y’all. She better not break his heart.
JoJo arrives to dinner wearing a fabulous, sparkly cocktail dress fit for a night at a gala benefiting the environment. He’s wearing khaki trousers and a bulky blue sweater — something the attractive model might be wearing in the background of a Land’s End catalog. JoJo drills Big D about his past girlfriends. He begins to sweat as he shares the details of how his former girlfriend cheated on him. JoJo understands.
JoJo: I told Ben that I loved him and he told me he loved me back.
Derek: Yeah. I watched a YouTube video of that before I came on the show.
JoJo: I closed off for a while so I could process what happened.
Lincee: Those seven days must have been a nightmare.
Derek feels closer to JoJo now that they have bonded over cheating exes. She gives him the rose and they kiss in front of a fountain spraying yellow water.
SECOND GROUP DATE
“Prove Your Love to Me and the Nation”
JoJo meets the guys at the West Coast ESPN headquarters. They stumble upon her schmoozing it up with Max and Marcellus of SportsNation. Max and Marce channel JoJo’s real brothers by forcing the dudes to compete in a series of games so they can see who is worthy of JoJo’s love and affection. Beware — there will be a power ranking at the end of this stunt.
JoJo stands in a fake end zone looking lovely in skin-tight black pants, knee-high boots and a black bra with a white doily shirt. The boys must perform a “celebration dance” (as if they have just made a touchdown) with a rather large red rose. Christian and Jordan emulate cowboys and Alex fake shoots his competition. St. Nick pretends to take a shower even though it looked like he was acting out “tune in Tokyo” and The Chad rambles up to JoJo, picks her up and twirls her around.
Then Max makes the contestants spin around 10 times bent over a bat before making their way to the girl of their dreams and proposing. Most of the guys profess their love and at least try to be sweet while refraining from puking or falling down. The Chad simply asks, “Will you marry me?” When JoJo complains about the lack of love and affection, he labels her “naggy.”
JoJo’s jaw drops. Jordan throw shade. James Taylor stifles a chortle. Alex glows, knowing that The Chad just put a chink in his luxury armor.
Max and Marcellus make the guys participate in a fake press conference. They have to share all of the qualities they love about JoJo. Then they have to say who isn’t there for the right reasons (right reasons.) All of the guys agree that Chad is the yellow Starburst of the group — he should be picked last. Chad shrugs it off, as most passive aggressive people would in this situation. He’s just being honest. He doesn’t know JoJo. How can he list off her qualities besides the fact that she’s hot?
The Chad: Is this the first beautiful girl you’ve ever seen? You don’t have TV or magazines? I can’t say that I want to marry her. I can’t say she is the greatest girl I’ve ever met. I’m not going to be fake. I’m not an actor like all of you are. If you say you’re in love with her, that’s weird.
Right there. We’ll look back on this clip as the moment when JoJo started falling in love with the resident bad boy. It’s also the moment when Mike Fleiss barked an order for the ABC Intern to set a reminder on his phone to invite The Chad to be a contestant on Bachelor in Paradise after Our Host Chris Harrison kicks him to the freshly sprayed curb in a few weeks.
Max and Marcellus pow wow to rank the dudes. They like Chad’s honesty (please) but also like the fact that Aaron Rodgers coming to Thanksgiving dinner is pretty cool. Both agree that they would want their sister to date Alex before any of the other chaches. Ironically, Alex lands third place, Chad is second and James Taylor claims the top spot. How sweet it is!
JT uses his alone time wisely. He knows he’s not “Abs McGee” but he does have a good heart. He likes poetry, family, food, the occasional chick flick and the Lord. He wants something real and he’s honored to be even considered among the array of suitors. This declaration makes JoJo cry, which in turn makes James Taylor cry. Before she places him directly in the “sweet friend” zone, he leans in for a simple kiss. She kisses him back more aggressively. JJ and JT sitting in a tree.
Speaking of sitting, whose bright idea was it to have Alex sit in the huge version of a chair? I believe he had to take a running start to mount the thing. Uncool, people. Uncool. Christian only smiles and talks with JoJo. Jordan shoves his tongue down her throat. Good times.
JoJo asks Chad (surprise, surprise) about his last relationship. It was four years ago. This floors JoJo. Chad explains that he’s been luxury working that entire time in order to prepare for his future wife. He mentions that he has a tiny little dog and JoJo is once again visibly shocked by Chad’s life. Here’s the deal — the dog belonged to his mother who passed away six months ago.
Ladies and gentlemen — I give you the reason why Chad is so screwed up.
He rushes through the details. She was his best friend. She died. He can’t dwell on it because there’s nothing he can do to bring her back. The best way to handle it is to CONTROL EVERYTHING AROUND HIM. JoJo appreciates his sensitive side. She asks the ABC Intern to locate a couple of coins so they can make a wish in the well. Before the pennies can make a splash, JoJo turns into Chad’s luxury arms for a passionate embrace. His fingers run through her hair and all I can think is, “MIND THE WEAVE.”
JoJo likes the bad boys, but she also likes the jheri curl. James Taylor gets the rose. He doesn’t even care that it clashes with his maroon dinner jacket.
Chad intercepts JoJo outside with a glass of wine before she even makes it to the sunken living room. He tells her that he’s not into sitting with 20 other dudes on the same couch working out the lyrics to a song about the wonder that is JoJo.
Let’s take a moment to talk about that song. What in the world? Every time the camera cut to the guys chilling in the mansion, they were working on this little ditty. Instead of lounging by the pool sipping mimosas, they all brainstorm lyrics so they can tack on another verse to the epic tribute. It’s what I imagine happens at choir camp, except with more testosterone. Is All-4-One still there coaching them?
Alex is annoyed that Chad walks in with JoJo. He confronts him, making Alex the official pot stirrer of the season. He wants everyone to know, including Chad, that he’s not afraid of him. Prince Ali looks scared. Robby adjusts his Easter egg plaid bow tie. Jordan takes a swig of his Moscow Mule. Will wraps the house with toilet paper. Amanda and I share a thought:
— Lincee (@Lincee) May 31, 2016
Chase goes above and beyond and conjures a snow storm. We missed the beginning of his Frozen-themed mini date. When the cameras catch up to the frivolity, we find Chase and JoJo both wearing mittens as JoJo shouts, “It’s blizzarding!” as “snow” falls from the top of the outdoor chimney area. Chase wants JoJo to enjoy a part of his life (read: Colorado) and offers to teach her how to snow board. She responds by blowing foam in his face before sitting on his lap. He’ll take it.
Meanwhile, The Chad loads his plate up with piles and piles of deli meat since he skipped his protein shake earlier in the day. He shoves copious amounts of steak into his mouth just as Alex gathers a few other men to form a hot box around the house nemesis. We don’t know if Alex identifies with the Jets or the Sharks. What we do know is that Alex will not have Chad interrupting any more dates. Poor E.D. didn’t even get to explain to JoJo why his hair is so floppy before Chad whisked her away!
Chad laughs, compares the moment to a bunch of “Care Bears surrounding you, threatening to kick your a$$” and saunters over to JoJo so he can woo her why whispering sweet nothings into her ear like, “I’m super smart” and “I’m successful too” and “For some odd reason, I’ve been thinking about you.” Alex intervenes again, warning Chad to stop being weird. Chad gets in Alex’s face who claims “everything is cool, bro.” Chad threatens to punch Alex in the mouth. Alex retorts back that Chad is “a melt down.”
So he like warm hugs? What is it with the Frozen references tonight?
Harrison saves the day by looking hotter than crap while clinking his champagne flute. Damn Daniel helps his best bud up to the top riser. It seems The Chad is suffering from all the tryptophan and may actually pass out in the middle of the rose ceremony.
Along with James Taylor, Derek and Wells, roses go to:
Alex the Marine
James the Boxer
The hipster, Super Fan and Will are sent home.
Who’s Will you ask? He’s the one who you thought was James Taylor during the fireman date. He’s also the one who shared an award kiss with JoJo last week. I’m sorry to see the Super Fan go. His commentary was hilarious. And it makes sense that the fake hipster is leaving too. There’s no way a real hipster would ever be caught near that mansion. I wish him well.
What did you think of the episode? Is Chad going to be the bane of my existence this season? Will he ever go away? Is Derek a contender? Do you want to hear the final version of the JoJo Song? Did you like that picture of Jim Halpert? Is it your screensaver, too? Sound off in the comments!