Bachelorette JoJo Recap: Episode 3

Or should I say The Chad recap? I’m so tired of his storyline. Who cares if this guy chugs brightly-colored energy drinks, constantly works out, recites metric conversions out loud and gnaws on raw sweet potatoes like a corn dog to get his carb on? I want to see JoJo fall in love! Perhaps not in a hot tantric yoga studio, but maybe on the back of an old timey car parked at Makeout Point high above the city?

I’d also like to see the paycheck Harrison secured after removing toilet paper from the trees in the front yard of the mansion. There’s no way he did that voluntarily. Our Host has better things to do than to pick up after gross bachelors. Shopping for pink linen shirts, musking up for rose ceremonies, playing a round of golf with Roberto and generally being awesome are a few that come to mind.

Get it together, ABC.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

First One-On-One Date
Chase
“Let’s Get Physical”

This is the third tantric date we’ve all experienced watching this filthy franchise together and let me be the first to admit that they are always special. But none may ever match the pinnacle of awkwardness achieved by yoga guru Hemalyaa who specializes in anger-gasms. Lord help us all.

Instead of hiding behind the couch cushion like a seasoned pro, I thought Hemalyaa would ease into her weirdness. You know, a few stretching exercises and some slow breathing that leads to clothed kama sutra. This is primetime television, after all.

Instead, Guru Layaa plops down on her mat, back to the floor, knees up in the air and rushes through some pelvic grinding that would make Ricky Martin blush. Not only is it intense, but the angle with which the camera dude chooses to film the blessed event is unfortunate. If given the opportunity, I’m confident I could provide enough details to create a 3D model of the guru’s uterus.

It saddens me that I had to write that sentence.

JoJo’s feet are on Chase’s back as he bends over in a normal yoga position. This is the moment she realizes that Chase is being cool about the terrible position she’s put him in. She begins to appreciate his rocking body and massive side torso tat. The ladies at my watching party voted we should pause the TV so we could figure out exactly what we were looking at:

Me: I see waves and maybe Captain Ahab.
Emily: I see Chase’s tiny shorts.
Me: ALL DAY.
Lindsay: It’s a wolf.
Ann: That’s definitely a bird’s beak.
Susan: There’s a bunny!
Ann: Or an emu?
Me: Did y’all know the turkey legs at Disney World are really emu?
Susan: That’s a turtle shell.
Kristie: I see a claw.
Emily: I see Jesus.
Me: That’s Captain Ahab.

Thankfully, JoJo conveys that this entire experience is ridiculous and she’s embarrassed beyond measure. Then Guru Layaa makes her straddle Chase so their third eye and hearts align. Lo and behold, so do their genitals.

Chase tries to keep it together, but he ends up making out with Joj right in the middle of their yib yabbing sesh. With their newfound zen, Guru Layaa leaves them so they can be alone. With the cameras.

JoJo admits that she didn’t feel sexy at the beginning of the date and is thankful that Chase took it all in stride. He was funny when times were goofy and masculine when appropriate. Chase is slowing moving up the ranks in JoJo’s eyes. Especially when he tells her that when it comes to marriage, he’s a “one and done” kind of guy. JoJo smiles that he values the sanctity of marriage and mentally puts a check in Chase’s “pro” column. I’m not sure Chase should get a cookie for this big reveal. It seems that “values marriage” would hopefully be a given on this endeavor, but, whatever.

The pair head outside for a private concert with Lady Antebellum. Only this time, there’s no lady or bellum. Charles Kelley is going solo and I feel like I’m the last to know this big piece of information. Just as I start to Google this business, I notice that Chase is wearing Levi jeans. For some reason, I like him even more. He immediately begins making out with JoJo instead of two stepping with her. I’ll let it pass since he’s hopped up on yib yab. Solid date, Chase. I’m officially rooting for you.

GROUP DATE
Jordan
Grant
Wells
James the Boxer
Christian
Prince Ali
Damn Daniel
Vinny
Nick
E.D.
Alex
The Chad
“Love Has No Secrets”

The Chad is ticked and threatens to bail out of a date with 12 other guys, which annoys the handful of dudes who have not yet secured time with the woman of all their dreams. Jordan reminds Chad that he’s on a dating show which is in its twelfth televised season. E.D. chimes in with something along the lines of, “YEAH!” and Chad barks at him to stop talking. Jordan defends the moment, calling Chad out for bench pressing and his inability to spell. Chad knocks off a comment about how Jordan is a failed quarterback. Plus, someone needs more tattoos in order to be a real bad a$$. There was even a “come at me, bro” thrown around for good measure.

Yawn.

Alex, who is also getting on my nerves this season, is desperate for someone to pick a fight with Chad in front of JoJo, so she can see his true colors. That wonderful job falls directly on the floppy hair grazing shoulders of E.D.

JoJo takes her brood to a knock-off version of the Vagina Monologs where they must get on stage in front of a bunch of people to divulge their deepest, darkest sexual secrets. The only one remotely excited about this adventure is E.D. who talks about sex (or lack thereof) all day long. JoJo thinks being intimate is an integral part of a relationship and it’s important to communicate your feelings about the topic in front of a roomful of strangers.

The Chad is annoyed because JoJo “hasn’t earned the right” to hear his story. Damn Daniel, ever the voice of reason, encourages his bro to just do it. Then he pours a beer into a wine glass, in search of a pocket knife to use as a prop during his creepy hair cutting story.

I’m too much of a prude to bore you with the details of all the bachelors’ ignominious sexcapades. All you need to know is that E.D. took Alex’s advice and centers his entire monolog around one of the guy’s in the house who uses steroids. He encourages the women in the audience to not date anyone who is juicing.

The bachelors go nuts! JoJo sort of laughs, but she doesn’t really get it. Then she sees Chad grab E.D. by the neck of his shirt as he passes him in the row to get back to his seat. Chad takes the stage and asks JoJo to join him. JoJo makes sure E.D. is okay before cautiously making her way to her other suitor. He tries to pull JoJo in for a passionate kiss and she turns her head the last second.

A great big cheer by everyone watching the show from home was later followed by a gasp when Chad punches a door in frustration. He threatens E.D. with death and then asks the ABC Intern to fetch him a few weights before he murders someone. The ABC Intern grabs a messenger bag from one of the Vagina Monolog ladies and fills it with bottles of alcohol so Chad can lift from the door frame. Of course our intern is smart enough to travel with the chain.

JoJo wanders around the cocktail party, held in an antique store of all places, visiting with Alex, Vinny, Wells and making out with Jordan. During her time with Santa, I noticed that old St. Nick makes JoJo smile like no one else does. I was intrigued to see this play out, but The Chad inserts himself into the moment. JoJo wisely asks him to chill. He walks around the corner, sits down and starts whistling.

JoJo escorts St. Nick away from the immature meathead. Chad is forced to make contact with the other dudes who immediately quiz him about the E.D. altercation at the Vagina House. Chad defends himself like any successful bully would. He blames E.D. for pushing him first. Later, E.D. admits that he wants to leave Chad alone, but he can’t.

Someone, please make it stop.

E.D. tells Chad that he owes him an apology and a new shirt. Chad tells E.D. to leave him alone. I think this is a brilliant plan.

When Chad scores some alone time with JoJo, he confides that he almost didn’t come on the date. He wants to be alone with her. She bristles at this fact and decides to change the topic: What’s up with E.D.? Chad tells her that E.D. tried to push him over (that’s soooooo E.D.) and that he’s tired of the dudes rallying against him. JoJo asks him not to be a bully. This is also a brilliant plan.

E.D. then interrupts Chad’s date, which was an unwise move. Why tick this guy off more than you already have? Didn’t we just discuss the option of leaving everyone alone?

But this can’t wait. E.D. must tell JoJo this exact moment that if she’s keeping Chad around, he’d rather go home. Say hello to your ultimatum, Joj!

JoJo rolls her eyes at sweet, scrawny, little E.D. and hands him the date rose instead. He looks joyful and triumphant. Bless him. As she explains her decision to her gaggle of guys, Chad’s facial expressions are so animated that she stops mid-spiel to ask if he’s okay?

Chad: Is this a real scenario right now? Are you really vibing on this dude?

It was so quiet, you could hear the squeaking of leather jackets against all the guys squished onto two sofas. E.D. remains silent as Grant steps in to diffuse the moment. JoJo takes control and tells Chad that she thinks what he’s doing is disrespectful. Alex would have stood up to cheer had he not been wedged into the corner of the couch.

Unfortunately, this mishap starts an avalanche of other problems. First, Derek Jim Halpert is afraid to sleep next to Chad in his room.

Come on, Halpert. Don’t be that dude.

Second, E.D. is scared for his safety and insists that the house mom bring in security guys from the mall down the street.

Third, Damn Daniel is concerned that he is going to be labeled a monster through chest-and-arms-day association. He wants his friend to be less Hitler and more like Mussolini. Or Bush. Maybe he could channel his inner Justin Bieber and give the old maple leaf a shout out? Damn Daniel’s point? Stop being so negative, eh? Less talk. More squats, you hoser.

Second One-On-One Date
James Taylor
“Let’s Go Old School”

JoJo dresses JT in suspenders and wingtip shoes so they can go dancing. A darling old, old lady named Jane tries to teach them basic steps, but JT has very little rhythm. Let the record show that the teachers LOVE him, which proves that he’s an all-around fun dude.

After hours learning the basics, JoJo takes JT outside to perform the Gap commercial. Watch and learn, kids. This is why we all took swing dancing lessons and started wearing khakis in 1998.

Matthew Rolston: the Gap/Khakis Swing from Stockland Martel on Vimeo.

JT decides to freestyle it instead of going through the choreography he just shed blood, sweat and tears learning. He attempts the quintessential Dirty Dancing move, but JoJo doesn’t have the core to hold the frame. To her defense, the best place to practice lifts is in the water.

JoJo takes James Taylor to Makeout Point where they discuss how he used to have a long neck and big ears. JoJo affirms his cute face and adorable personality by giving him the date rose. He returns the affection by playing her an original piece he wrote about their budding love. She cried. He cried. He’s a major weeper.

ROSE CEREMONY

Harrison arrives. Surprise! There’s no cocktail party. Instead, there’s going to be a pool party, y’all! E.D. follows Harrison out the door. Just as he’s about to step into his limo to meet his entourage down at the club, E.D. asks for a private audience with Sir Harrison. He tattles on Chad and interjects that even Hot Derek doesn’t feel safe in the mans.

Harrison blames testosterone (not E.D.’s, but the others’) on the problem and offers to step in for his little buddy. He gathers everyone together in the sunken living room and then asks to speak to Chad alone. Nice move.

Chad explains that he is a victim and all he’s done is try and stand up for himself. Harrison drops the “steroids” accusation and Chad becomes physically angry. Using secret hand gestures, Our Host sends a message for the other camera guys to get ready. There’s about to be a show! He encourages Chad to settle the matter himself.

Chad: What am I supposed to do?
Hare: You be you, Chad.

Chad rumbles into the sunken living room threatening to cut everyone’s legs, arms and torsos before throwing them in the pool. Then he…

TO BE CONTINUED!

Remember, we have another episode TONIGHT! Next week is the NBA finals, so the show is doubling up this week. Who do you think punches JT in the face? Will Chad go home? Will Derek live through the night? Sound off in the comments section!