Bachelorette JoJo recap: Episode 8

When the annoying “TO BE CONTINUED” graphic splashed across the screen, indicating that we would not witness one of JoJo’s suitors join her panic attack, I was outraged. Of course Mike Fleiss has no problem making us wait an entire week before we learn who gets the boot stuffed with an invitation to find a hook-up in Paradise.

If I were a betting woman (which I am — Jordan for the win — NO SPOILERS PLEASE!), I would guarantee that JoJo is still going to pick Luke as one of her final three. Her confession that she was planning to let him go was probably one of three takes:

“I have to let Luke go!”
“I have to let Robby go!”
“I have to let Chase go!”

Seconds later, Luke uses the power of a charged moment combined with JoJo’s exhaustion and lack of oxygen to her brain, thanks to a tight blue mermaid dress, to ask for a private audience with Brunette Ariel so he can join the rest of his bro club by admitting that he more than lokes JoJo. He straight up loves her. With a V.

He wants her to be part of his world.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

CHASE
Highland Ranch, Colorado

JoJo executes the most picturesque of all the Jump and Straddles (trademark pending) we’ve ever seen in the history of the show. Chase greets her on the side of a mountain surrounded by snow-covered nature. He is the definition of ruggedly handsome. He’s also the definition of hotter than crap. His chiseled jawline, perfect pecs and Carhartt jeans are swoon-worthy. He compliments JoJo’s Aztec blanket jacket beautifully. It’s obvious that his hometown date is brought to you by J. Crew.

JoJo and Chase enjoy a hot beverage while lounging on a faux fur blanket. He explains that she is going to meet his dad first, without the rest of the family. His parents drug him through a painful divorce when he was a kid, and it’s best if everyone stays separated. You can tell the memories pain him.

Chase takes JoJo to his actual house that he lives in and owns. He reminds her that he is the only one left standing with an actual job before launching back into family divorce talk. Just when he mentions that his daddy is “remarried with SEVERAL step children,” we hear a knock. Chase opens the door and embraces his father for a long time. Dad is good-looking, with a sweet mustache. He gushes over his son, claiming he has a big heart. Chase smiles and responds like any child would at this compliment: “Why didn’t your first marriage work?”

Yikes.

Magnum looks at his son as if to say, “Okay. We’re doing this now. Let’s go.” He blames the corporate ladder on his divorce and immediately admits that he carries a lot of guilt. He wants Chase to not make the same mistakes he did. Then they talk about how hard it is to express their feelings. He assures JoJo that “Chase is closer to the man he wants to be every day.”

Everyone becomes emotional and tries to shove their feelings down. Magnum responds by quickly standing up. JoJo wants to rap about it all some more, but Chase grabs her face and plants a passionate kiss on her lips before having some alone time with his father. Dad assures Chase that JoJo is good people: She is smart, beautiful and has a head on her shoulders.

Agreed. Headless women are so pretentious.

Chase takes JoJo to meet the rest of his family. It’s a small crowd that includes a bulldog. His mom doesn’t care that ABC came traipsing through her home earlier in the day to set up shop. She’s going to wear her hoodie on national television and you can’t do a thing about it! Her voice is just like a radio personality. She LOVES JoJo. Something tells me JoJo’s mom and Delilah would have a ball chugging their wine on the ski lift chair in the backyard. Open another bottle!

Meanwhile, Chase and his sister discuss how hard it is for them to drop an L-bomb. It’s more than just a word to them. It means you are going to be there for the long haul. It’s scary. When his sister starts to cry, Chase starts to cry. One lone tear falls down his face, slow and easy. He assures her the connection is natural and that they are the real deal, no matter how bizarre this may seem. He’s ready for that chapter in his life and he’s ready for JoJo to be the one to fill the pages.

When Chase walks JoJo to the SUV, he admits that he’s falling in love with her. You can visibly see a weight lift off his shoulders. Unfortunately, her reaction wasn’t as joyful as I would have liked. I didn’t see a twinkle or a spark. Something tells me he may end up standing alone in a sparsely decorated airplane hangar next week.

JORDAN
Chico, California

Jordan’s family lives on a wildlife refuge for deer. That sentence is totally made up, but JoJo seems to enjoy seeing animals in their natural habitat. Consider this a definite tick in the win column for Jordan.

He takes her to his old high school. The AV Club dutifully completes their extra credit work by making a digital sign that reads: Welcome Home Jordan and JoJo. They wander around the outdoor courtyard, mingling with coaches, Spanish teachers, Brenda, Brandon, Kelly and Dylan. Then they make out in the library. He comes close to pulling an Arie by shoving her against the card catalog, but he refrains.

Then Jordan takes her to the coach’s lounge or a room adjacent to a locker room that is filled with pictures from former players. JoJo effortlessly picks out Jordan’s photos. It is an easy task since all of the others are blurry. JoJo squeals with delight when she spots his brother’s picture. She decides against taking a selfie with it when Jordan suddenly closes up at the mention of his brother.

Jordan leads JoJo out to the bleachers. Like a dog with a bone, JoJo brings up the brother topic again. She’s smart with her delivery. She wonders if she should mention the brother when she meets the rest of the family? She wants everyone to feel comfortable. Perhaps she should know the full story before going in?

Jordan: “It doesn’t need to be a topic of conversation.”

They walk up to the bright green house and JoJo claims her nerves are getting the better of her. She places Jordan’s hand on her boob so he can feel her heartbeat. Then they bust through the front door to meet everyone except his famous brother and his famous brothers’ famous girlfriend. The two empty seats at the dinner table do not go unnoticed. JoJo will get to the bottom of this by breaking either the other, other brother or his girlfriend, Miss Chico County.

JoJo once again chooses a smart strategy. She sidles up next to the brother whose name IS spoken out loud. She claims that Jordan “filled me in a little bit about your other brother” but she doesn’t quite know all the details. She’s met with silence followed by, “We don’t talk about it.” Then there was something about full circle and loving their brother and how they stick up for their family? I don’t know, but I am intrigued.

Other Brother is happy Jordan is happy. He gives his blessing. Dad his happy and gives his blessing too. He makes sure JoJo knows Jordan did everything on his own without being a brother to He Who Must Not Be Named*. Mom is happy her baby is home and Miss Chico County wants world peace.

Jordan walks JoJo to the SUV. They hug it out and kiss through strands of floppy hair. She wonders out loud if he wants to be in her life forever. She’s scared that he will change his mind. This is brand new information. I assume that producers needed something personal for JoJo to question when it comes to Jordan’s family besides the mystery behind his other brother? I have no clue. It felt weird. And forced.

* DISCLAIMER: This is the only time “He Who Must Not Be Named” does not reference the evil Wes Hayden.

ROBBY
Jacksonville, Florida

Real men wear pink. And whiten their teeth. And have skinny jeans. The tighter, the better.
Real women wear rompers. And self tanner that matches the tangerine tint of their dates. The tangeriner, the better.

Robby (short for Robert) takes JoJo on a tour of the town via horse-drawn carriage. He points out the oldest church in Florida. She inadvertently cups his junk during a hand-holding sesh. It was all very special.

They stop waterside for an $11 cocktail. JoJo recommends they cheers the moment (read: toast the moment) before digging back into the details of that pesky relationship that ended five seconds ago. She warns Robby that she doesn’t want to fall in love with him, only to find out that he isn’t over his ex-girlfriend. She’s been down that road before with hairdresser Chad. Sure her ombre hair never looked better, but her heart was broken!

Robby assures her that the past is the past and she is the one for him. This seems good enough for JoJo. They kiss and head to his parents’ house.

Everyone hugs in the hallway. Robby pulls his younger, equally metro brothers into the living room to talk about how he isn’t sleeping because he’s so head-over-heels for this chick. Back in the other living room, JoJo visits with Robby’s mom who rocks the wine-to-go tumbler like it’s going out of style. With all that white furniture around, I appreciate the “safety first” mentality.

JoJo mentions the ex-girlfriend. Mom assures JoJo that if her son envisions JoJo in his future, there is no turning back. He will go forward with his whole heart. JoJo hugs her and Robby shows up to talk to his mom. Suddenly, the smile fades as she tells her son that “there is chatter on the outside.”

Apparently Robby’s ex-girlfriend’s roommate’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with this chick who claims Robby broke up with her roommate so he could apply for the show. Robby’s face morphs from marmalade to more of a crimson shade. He is livid. JoJo already has concerns! If this is the chink in his armor that will bring him down, he will be devastated.

Wasting no time, Robby runs to his sisters’ room where JoJo and the girls are gabbing it up on a white duvet with OPEN wine glasses. Talk about panic attack. He immediately asks them to leave so he can fill JoJo in on all the gory details of the Jacksonville rumor mill.

JoJo, four glasses in, slurs some concerns. Is he there for the right reasons (right reasons?) Does he really love her after only three months away from the three-year-relationship girl? Can I get a lid for my wine glass? Why are there two of you? Did you break up with her when you found out you were coming on the show?

JoJo asks that last question four times for good measure. He claims he did not. In fact, the ex-girlfriend slapped him in December. Nothing says IT’S OVER like a good old fashioned slap to the face. They haven’t spoken and will never speak again. Ever.

I’d like to point out that speaking is different than texting and emailing and Snap Chatting and messaging.

Robby distracts JoJo by pouring her another glass of wine and touching her face. She’s weak against these tactics. She melts into Robby and they make out on the bed. Thank goodness the wine is white.

LUKE
Burnet, TX

Luke gives off an incredible Justin Matisse vibe as JoJo bounds down the town square in the boots Luke gifted her waaaaaaaaaay back on night one which was three weeks ago. She’s wearing white denim hipsters because denim panties would be inappropriate to meet the family. They get into his truck and head off to the farm where the entire community of Burnet has gathered to welcome the Golden Child home.

I expected the Mayor to give him a key to the city. That didn’t happen. But JoJo did meet the cutest baby ever, the friends who have been together since eighth grade, his darling sister, adorable grandfather, his sweet dad who wears a mighty good looking straw hat and 50 other close friends.

Dad gives Luke some advice about “finding the one.” He claims that he knew his mom was the woman he was supposed to marry because he couldn’t stand to be away from her. Luke smiles. He plans on handing his heart over to JoJo later that night. Dad warns Luke not to fall under the pressure of a timeline. But if he makes that choice, the entire family and City of Burnet will support him. Then he begins to cry.

I may have teared up to. Whatever.

Luke escorts JoJo to a couple of horses so they can take a romantic stroll through the ranch. They stop at a makeshift bench made out of hay. He tells her that he loved seeing her in his environment and that he likes how much she fits in. He daydreams about seeing her there all the time. Harrison is called in to make the perfect sunset at the exact time Luke grabs her face. We all lean in to hear what he’s going to say.

We hear nothing.

It’s a slow burn lead in to a long, passionate kiss. JoJo keeps hinting around that she wishes they had more time. That’s code for, “TELL ME YOUR FEELINGS YOU BROODING HOT COWBOY!”

Just when we think Luke doesn’t have it in him to drop some love on JoJo, he leads her to one more surprise. A candle-lit path points them in the direction of a huge heart made of rose petals. Oh, NOW he’s going to say it! We all lean in.

We hear nothing.

They meander back to the SUV. He tells her that his heart his hers and she smiles.

ROSE CEREMONY

All the boys arrive at an airport hangar in separate black sedans. Each one has perfectly coiffed hair and very thick tie clips. They look like trendier versions of Don Draper in their dark suits. Chase is the only one who shakes hands. Robby smiles like this is the most fun he’s had in days. Jordan looks skeptical and Luke looks like he is going to throw up.

JoJo arrives in a blue mermaid dress that showcases a fair amount of boob and a bit of diaphragm, thanks to a plunging neckline. She waddles over to Chris Harrison so they can talk about how she has no idea what she’s going to do.

Suddenly, Luke asks to speak with her. He wants her to know where he stands. HE’S IN LOVE. This realization causes JoJo to have a meltdown right there on the tarmac. I have no idea how she squatted in that dress. She deserves a rose for that act alone.

Who do you think is going home? Did the profession of love put Luke back in the running? Will Robby’s ex-girlfriend be the chink in his armor? Is the name Aaron forbidden in the Rodgers’ household? Will Miss Chico County win the preliminaries? Sound off in the comments!