Bachelorette JoJo recap: Don’t cry for her, Bachelor Nation

We may never know whether Argentina was crying over football star Messi or Bachelor Nation’s infiltration into their country. It’s as if producers took well-known stereotypes and infused it with a dose of Mike Fleiss. Everyone wears leather. JoJo dresses like a sultrier version of Evita, minus the bun. Performance art takes the slip-n-slide to another level and men’s pants have never been tighter.

Is that love in the air, or is it just the haze of the bug spray to prevent Zika spreading to Bachelor in Paradise? Here’s to the journey, Buenos Aires!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you follow on Snapchat happen to personally know, sort of know, or is friends with the Rodan+Fields consultant who claims to love Hodor even though she doesn’t watch Game of Thrones…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

JoJo arrives in Argentina and her first order of business is a quick mentor sesh with Our Host Chris Harrison.

He. Looks. So. Good.

His hair is perfection. The suit fits perfectly. And he smells vaguely of red meat, citronella and effortless intensity. JoJo pretends to be excited about Robby, but then the conversation switches to the wonder that is Ben Higgins.

JoJo: Robby was the first to say he loved me, but that makes me worry. Because I’ve been told that before. On national television.
OHCH: You mean that guy who chose the leggy blonde over you?
JoJo: Don’t cry for me, Chris.
OHCH: Ben. I’m talking about Ben.
JoJo: Yeah. Got it. Oh look! A doggy!

Harrison leaves JoJo on a balcony so the wind can blow her weave in peace. He welcomes her suitors to Buenos Aires. I like to think that after Hare warned the guys that there will be yet another dreaded two-on-one date, he had an intervention with Luke regarding the fit of his camouflage tights. I’m convinced lack of oxygen to the brain is why this brooding cowboy is always squinting.

FIRST ONE-ON-ONE
Wells

Robby reads the date card to the group. It has the word “bésame” written on it and Wells can’t help but blurt out that he hasn’t yet kissed JoJo, so this encrypted message doesn’t have as much mysterious weight as previous date cards. Wells begins sweating as he leaves to pick out his dingiest skinny jeans. JoJo pops in the room with painted on pants. She flirts with camel-toe but never achieves the uprising, thank goodness. The fact that I watch for it makes me sad and annoyed with myself. Almost as annoyed as when Luke shouts, “Are you guys going to kiss Wells today?”

Dude.

Sidebar: Did anyone else notice that Robby had hair ties on BOTH of his wrists? I’m sure he was expecting a nice convertible ride to Iguazu Falls and he was prepared to not only to offer JoJo a rubber band for her luscious locks, but he had a spare to collect his own bangs. Was he a former Boy Scout? Or ABC Intern?

The guys talk about how awkward Wells’ date is going to be because the pressure of not having kissed JoJo makes the kiss not only a big deal, but a HUGE deal. Even JoJo tells the camera that it’s really weird Wells hasn’t made his move yet. If this kiss isn’t epic, Wellsy is going back to early morning prank calls on FM 98.3 — Alternative Nashville.

JoJo sets the perfect, sexy seen. She takes him to Fuerza Bruta where Fabio the artistic director of a performance art troop makes Wells run on a treadmill before pretending to be shot in the stomach. Then he shoves JoJo and Wells onto a rather large, transparent slip-n-slide that hangs from the ceiling.

I have two words for you: crotch shot.

JoJo and Wells slip and slide and writhe and giggle in the darkened theater with red and purple mood lights and HE NEVER KISSES HER. Finally, JoJo shoves her boobs in the general direction of his face as he slithers by her and he realizes it’s time to go for broke. The kiss lasted a millisecond before JoJo attempted to sit up to proclaim, “THAT WAS OUR MOMENT! WE HAD A MOMENT! HASHTAG THE MOMENT!” Fabio finally cuts off the fire hydrant of water and Wells settles into a real kiss.

At dinner, JoJo asks Wells about his previous relationships because that’s her version of “tell me about yourself?” Once again, Wells begins to sweat and removes his jacket. JoJo tries to make him feel less self-conscious by announcing that it’s “really hot in here.” She smiles, knowing that she prepared for the Argentinian heat with a little help from her cold midriff dress. She’s perfectly comfortable.

Wells launches into a discussion about his ex-girlfriend and how the passion slowly faded away after years of being together. He talks about how “we’ve all been there” when the spark is no longer a spark and you have to assess the reality of your relationship. This bothers JoJo.

JoJo: Finish this sentence: If you’re a bird, then I’m a…
Wells: Worm?

JoJo: I’m just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to…
Wells: Turn down the heat?

JoJo: Nobody puts Baby or JoJo in a corner!
Wells: Why? Are you claustrophobic?

JoJo decides then and there that Wells is not her bird, soul mate or unicorn. She sends Wells to the rejection limo and then saunters around the venue where Fabio has gathered happy Argentinians to regale over the slip-n-slide performance. JoJo hugs herself as one of the actors pops the drop cloth and rain falls from the sky. It was the most artistic thing The Bachelorette has ever filmed. She cries phantom tears over the fact that Wellsy was a tertiary character in her journey to find love, yet this break-up was way harsh. How is she going to dump the others?

GROUP DATE
Robby, Alex, Jordan, James Taylor, Luke

Robby wears loafers and a sea-foam green v-neck to play a rousing game of soccer with the boys. The dudes kick balls, adjust their hair and show off their abs when they score a goal. One of the locals suggests they have a penalty kick-off contest, just like the producers coached him to say. Luke and Jordan miss, Robby pays the goalie to let him win (which he does not) and JT actually puts the soccer ball inside the square! This boosts his confidence. He has spent most of the date feeling like he’s been in a perpetual round of “one of these things is not like the other.”

At the cocktail party, JoJo and Luke smile at their great taste in black leather jackets before sitting down on a bench to discuss life. JoJo goes in for the obvious kiss, but Luke pulls back. He has a monologue he needs to recite before things get hot and heavy. It’s a somber version of “If you’re a bird, then I’m a bird.” JoJo is elated that someone finally gets her! Luke approaches the kiss with the speed of a decrepit turtle. It’s the definition of S-L-O-W and ridiculously drawn out. There was lots of grabbing and lots of me feeling like I hate JoJo for not having any cellulite on her thigh. I shouted for him to mind the weave several times. Luke is a hair fondler.

Bless James Taylor’s sweet baby fire and ice loving heart. He has to go after that display of affection? Poor guy. To make things worse, he breaks the cardinal rule of alone time and uses his moment to complain about Jordan. “WHAT DID HE DO?” JoJo asks?

Get this. Dude totally makes up rules when playing poker. The nerve.

JoJo says something along the lines of, “Um, okay,” and JT asks if he can kiss her. He feels a spark. I think it’s leftover from Luke.

The producers make JoJo confront Jordan about Poker-gate. He basically answers, “Um, okay,” and is frustrated with his bro that his alone time was dominated by something so petty. He walks back to the guys and fills the room with a formidable silence. The only sound is the swirling of his wine. The words “integrity” and “entitled” are thrown around. I keep waiting for the other loafer to drop, but it doesn’t. Absolutely nothing happens. Except for JoJo giving the rose to Luke.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE
Derek and Chase

When we learn that Derek and Chase are on the dreaded two-on-one, I was devastated. These are both my boys! How can we pit them against one another? They are practically the same person with different colored hair!

One boy dresses in black. One dresses in white. JoJo dresses like Jessica Rabbit. Tango is the order of the day. Derek takes this opportunity to get all up in JoJo’s business. He’s confident the rose is his. He even tells the camera, Chase and the scantily clad tango instruction.

I have to words for you: crotch shot.

Put that away, Tango Lady. No one wants to see your pink parts.

The trio tango for one minute, comparing each second to how relationships, like this forbidden dance, need passion and trust to survive. Footage tells us that Derek thinks he has this in the bag. He’s being a complete jack wagon. That’s when I know Chase is going to walk away with the bud.

At a very awkward three-way dinner, JoJo asks for some alone time with Derek first. When she stands up, I see the wardrobe department has added mosquito netting to the cut-out cold diaphragm section of her dress, as well as the bottom hem. Safety first, people. Derek tells her that she completes him and that he’d totally give her all the room on a piece of abandoned wood should they ever find themselves freezing in the ocean. JoJo smiles.

Chase admits that he is scared he’s going to get the boot. Especially when JoJo tells him that she doesn’t feel like he’s as into her as she is into him. This shocks Chase. He tells her that it’s hard for him to get on board when there are so many other cool dudes from which to choose. She reminds him that she’s been in that boat. He reminds her that he knows. LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT. JoJo bats her eyelashes, encouraging him to forget the pesky other boys vying for her attention. He decides to lay it all out on the line with words of affirmation. Then a tongue of affirmation.

JoJo picks Chase. She follows Jim Halpert to the rejection SUV. He encourages her to be true to herself. She waves good-bye and runs inside to slow dance with Chase as a lady named Soledad Pastorutti
serenades them from a balcony. As “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” wafts into the grand ballroom, Derek cries defeated tears into the camera. The scene morphs back and forth between symbolic lyrical crying and real wet tears. Don’t worry Big Tuna. You’re Pam is out there. Probably on an island in the Caribbean known as Paradise. Say hello to Jorge for us!

ROSE CEREMONY
JoJo looks gorgeous in a royal blue mermaid dress. She stands on another balcony and tells Harrison that she’s falling in love with so many guy. This process is super hard, y’all.

Alex agrees. He’s been trying to grow his hair out like Jordan and it just isn’t working. Life is so unfair.

Along with Chase and Luke, JoJo hands roses out to Robby and Jordan. She looks down at the one remaining boutonnière and then has a panic attack. She shimmies out of the room while the producers radio “Code Harrison.” The ABC Intern fetches Our Host out of his suite to come and deal with the problem. JoJo can’t give out the final rose.

We are led to believe that neither Alex nor JT will get the coveted bud. That didn’t happen. Harrison, of all people, presents JoJo with an extra rose to add to the pile. He’s going to add that time to his expense report, rest assured. Both guys get to extend their journey to find love. JT is over the moon at this news. Alex rolls his eyes at his pity rose. I guarantee you this will be his downfall.

What did you think about this episode? Are you sad that Derek went home? Are you choosing to believe he wasn’t a dill hole like the producers want us to believe? Is Luke the front runner? Have you ever made up rules in poker? Sound off in the comments section!