Bachelorette recap: Rachel Week 5

I think this episode of The Bachelorette is the first time we have ever experienced more than three dates in one episode. As the camera pans to Kenny and Lee about to throw down, just before we see Bryan and Rachel making out in a boat decorated with gratuitous throw pillows from Pottery Barn, I was confused. I completely forgot that producers interrupted last week’s episode with an annoying “TO BE CONTINUED” right in the middle of a group date.

While Kenny and Lee argue about what it means to be a snake in the grass and a stack of bleeding muscle (huh?), my confused state remains when Bryan once again chooses to insert his entire tongue in Rachel’s mouth. I don’t understand. How can this be enjoyable? Rachel clearly approves of the choking hazard because she gives Bryan the date rose.

Kenny gives all the props to Bryan for being cool, congratulates him on the rose, and calls Lee a name that rhymes with the last part of Abercrombie and Fitch. Once again, Lee plays the “Kenny is aggressive” card.

If we’re labeling things “aggressive,” may I submit Bryan’s tongue? Now, that thing is aggressive.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you Snap happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the Starbucks barista who obsessed with Poldark and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

Hooray! It’s time for the rose ceremony!

Just kidding. I failed to remember Jack Stone’s one-on-one date. I bet Rachel wishes should could forget, too. Is that a mean thing to say write out loud?

Here’s the deal: I agreed with Rachel when she said that she and Jack Stone look great on paper. He’s pretty, is a fan of oral hygiene, and is probably not too shabby in the smarts department since he’s a lawyer. What Rachel and I both discovered last night is that Jack Stone is hella creepy.

With each new adventure (the horse drawn carriage ride, shucking oysters, shagging demonstration), Jack Stone transitions more and more into the twin villain version of himself on Young & the Restless. That move where his chin sits on his chest and he looks at her with a mischievous grin makes me assume he has a screw loose. Pair that outlandish vibe with conversations about “I feel like I get your father” and wanting to “lock the door so we can lay horizontally to get to know one another” would have me wondering if I was going to the victim in a future season of Sarah Koenig’s “Serial Podcast.”

Jack Stone goes on and on and on about how he and Rachel have this awesome connection and that conversations with her are super easy. He wants to take things to the next level, and assumes Rachel does too when she picks up the date rose and waves it in front of his whitewashed teeth. Instead, she sends him packing for not having the X-Factor she’s looking for in a relationship.

Jack Stone does not take the news well. He stews in silence for so long that all Rachel can do is offer to walk him to his rejection SUV waiting outside. This is when I noticed that Rachel is more casually dressed that she has been on another other date in her season. She’s not even baring her midriff! Here’s hoping ABC springs for Rachel to have a bodyguard in Dallas when she returns home. I have a feeling Jack Stone is really good at lurking in dark corners.

ROSE CEREMONY

Rachel dresses in her most bizarre outfit to date. There are literal gaping holes held together by rhinestone flowers from hip to knee. I like to call this the cold IT band or cold hip flexor cocktail dress.

Along with Dean (from last week’s episode) and Bryan (from the tongue choking group date) roses go to:

Eric
Peter
Adam Jr.’s Dad
Will
Matt the Penguin
Brother Russia Alex
Josiah
Mr. Clean Anthony
Kenny
Lee

Iggy leaves the mansion in a teeny tiny grey suit that he accidentally washed in hot water. The Tickle Monster gives Rachel one last rib count before he bids her adieu. Rachel gathers the remaining twelve guys around for a champagne toast, because the show is headed to Norway!

I hear it’s the perfect place to fall in love. Hey, it worked for Kristoff and Anna!

The animated map is back to show us where Norway is located on the globe. Rachel greets the boys in a local pub wearing an awesome oatmeal-colored cowl-neck sweater. Most of the guys wear hoodies, except MC Anthony who looks super fly and Dean whose sweatshirt has moth holes in it.

Bryan is the lucky guy to get the first international one-on-one date and the bros look annoyed. Everyone knows Bryan is a frontrunner. Rachel takes him to an Olympic ski jump where locals harness them up so they can rappel down 187-feet.

First of all, I didn’t not know 1-8-7 was code for murder. I have since been schooled on the Dr. Dre / Snoop Dogg collaboration.

Second of all, I’m not sure on Olympic ski jump technical lingo, but it didn’t seem that Rachel and Bryan necessarily rappelled down as much as they descended down a steel wire. It was more Peter Pan the Broadway musical verses bouncing down the side of a mountain. The important thing to note is that our lovely couple did kiss midd descent (normal, rappel kiss) and they did use the exercise as a change to compare it to life and relationships. (Love is an open DOOOOR!!!)

Props to Rachel for rappelling in heels.

Bryan and Rachel go to dinner that night and all I can think about is how I want Rachel to start roller skating with that gold, glitter eyeshadow to a Donna Summers song. It never happens. What does happen is Bryan explaining how hard it is to be really, really, ridiculously good-looking. When Rachel admits that she has insecurities when it comes to her physical appearance, Bryan compares it to that time his junior year when he had acne for a day. Only a half dozen girls swooned that afternoon in stead of a full dozen.

Being handsome can be such a burden. That’s why Rachel gives Bryan the date rose.

GROUP DATE
“I’m Looking for a Guy Who is Good with His Hands”
Adam Jr’s Dad
Dean
MC Anthony
Peter
Penguin Matt
Will
Brother Russia Alex
Eric
Josiah

Rachel takes the guys to a handball court so local legend Coach Tom can humiliate them in front of the Norwegian handball team by dressing them in wrestling onesies. Dean wears his jock strap on the outside of his leotard, which definitely gives him the advantage of sticking out in a crowd of dudes. All the guys try and impress Rachel. Josiah blocks all of her shots, a few have an accidental boob graze, and Peter practically lifts her up and carries her around the count since he doesn’t have the hand/eye coordination for the sport.

But it’s Will who dominates in the actual game. Rachel compares him to Jordan in the ’97 finals. She rewards him with a serious conversation about how they are into each other, which culminates in a kiss. Recognizing that Will has suddenly stepped out from under the radar, the other guys attempt to step up their game as well. Brother Russia reads her a lovely piece of prose before kissing her. Penguin Matt takes the lyrics of a song and embroiders them on a piece of purple crush velvet. I assume the lyric are from Happy Feet.

And then there’s Josiah. He miserably fails during his one-on-one time by telling Rachel that he knows that she is the woman of his dreams and that he wants to grow old with her. Rachel thanks him for the compliment before reprimanding him for never asking her questions. He applauds her perceptive spirit, tells her she’s amazing, and then gives her a hug.

The word “disingenuous” was dropped.

It’s Peter’s time to wow Rachel and he does what no man has done in the history of the franchise. During a group date, Rachel and Peter get into a hot tub together and make out like teenagers. After TWO AND A HALF HOURS, Peter joins his fellow suitors.

I have so many questions:

1. Does the ABC wardrobe department just travel around with swimsuits? Was Peter in his underwear? Did Rachel take a dip in her snap crotch bodysuit beloved by women named Linea Ray?
2. How did no one come looking for Rachel after all that time?
3. Did Rachel get a fresh weave after her romp in the tub? How is she so dry?
4. Do you think Peter smelled like chlorine?
5. If Rachel and Peter align their tooth gaps, will that open the magic door to Narnia?
6. Should I have named this post Hot Tub Grid Machine?
7. Don’t you think that a tryst in a hot tub for 150-minutes validates Rachel’s affections for Peter? Why was he so hurt when she gives the rose to Will? Rachel admits that she has a connection with Peter because he notices things about her that no one else does.

NEWSFLASH: Of course he does. He’s a grown man.

TWO-ON-ONE Date
Kenny and Lee
“Your Fate Is Up In The Air”

Naturally Kenny and Lee are pegged for the third-wheel date. Two men, one rose, one stays, one goes. Thank you Our Host Chris Harrison.

Poor Kenny just can’t seem to resist Lee wiggling right underneath his skin. And Rachel can’t resist wearing one of her signature rings on the outside of her mittens.

Rachel claims it will all come down to who she trusts. She understands that there is major tension between these two, but now it’s overflowing into other relationships in the house and she is not having it. Rachel picks the boys up in a helicopter, whisks them off to the fjords, and makes them sit on some outdoor furniture in the blistering winds so she can conduct individual counseling sessions on a moss-covered log.

Speaking of moss, I wonder what Caila’s up to?

Kenny is first. She asks him about the Lee situation and he once again admits to lashing out and that he insists on calling Lee a snake. Let the record show that he did not lay hands on him or break anything. He’s only aggressive when he’s in wrestling mode.

Kenny makes his way back to Lee, who excels in freezing Kenny out. When Kenny can’t stand the silence any more, he begins monologging about his great conversation with his boo, how he feels he and Rachel are back on track, and how he gets to be one with nature.

Unbeknownst to Kenny, Lee accepts Kenny’s inaudible challenge.

Lee uses his time to share with Rachel that Kenny repeatedly calls him a Fitch, snake, and once jerked him out of a van. He bemoans that he tries to take it all in stride, but there’s only so much he can do when someone is essentially bullying him. Since he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, he chooses to laugh when the situation arises. BTW: Kenny told Lee he had a dark side and that it really comes out to play when he drinks.

This is brand new information.

Rachel extends a quick “take two” with Kenny, filling him in on the van, Fitch, dark side revelations. I can’t tell if she’s irritated with all the back-and-forth or if she’s fighting frost bite. Kenny assures Rachel that LEE IS LYING. He will always keep it 100.

Rachel goes to one side of the fjord to conduct her interviews. Kenny slowly walks back to Lee’s general vicinity, cackling like a maniac. I think Kenny cracked. I hope he gives Lee the People’s Elbow. We won’t know anything until the next episode, because of course Fleiss pops up the TO BE CONTINUED slide.

What do you think? Does Lee throw a punch and make Kenny bleed? Will Bryan learn to control his tongue? Is Will no longer a dark horse? Does Adam Jr’s Dad ever speak? Sound off in the comments section!