10 Things I Learned Watching the Bachelorette Reunion

In true Bachelor style, the reunion show boasted that this special event would focus on our favorite bachelorettes from days of yore and report what they are up to now. Instead, there was about eighty-five minutes of random nonsense, fifteen minutes of former bachelorettes, ten minutes of Hannah Bama, and, for some incredible odd reason, ten minutes of He Who Must Not Be Named.

Our Host Chris Harrison hopped a tour bus in downtown LA and hosted a ton of “Bachelor Fans” straight out of acting school. Here, on top of the rose-themed double-decker, Our Host began a scenic tour by sharing b-roll footage of the best moments in Bachelor history.

  • Look! There’s a baby version of Our Host Chris Harrison with the guy no one remembers known as the first Bachelor Alex!
  • Remember when the producers made the girls snow ski in their bikinis?
  • Or the time they swam with pigs and fed them weenies?
  • How about the hot tub tugboat from Desire’s season?
  • And who could forget the time the psycho girl with Ashley I-Lashes cooly said, “I know what you did” in the hot desert sand?
  • Tara reminded us to never let anyone take your sparkle.
  • Then there was the girl who told Jason Melba Toast Mesnick that she wanted to be a mother and meet his child before picking her nose with a napkin and handing it back to him in a wadded up, snotty mess.
  • Remember when Brad Womack didn’t choose anyone from his season?
  • Or when Arie and the rest of America watched as Becca cried all the tears in the world on that yellow couch?
  • There was Melissa Rycroft who got a sleazy, “JUST KIDDING” from Mesnick after he proposed and then took it back. The “original Arie” if you will.

We suffered through a montage of The Chad calling Jojo “naggy” during his date, The Goose and Becca “singing” with Richard Marx, and Sean Lowe and Leslie sharing the longest on-screen kiss ever. We saw Casey guard and protect Ali’s heart, Nick break Andi’s heart, and Neil Lane showcase diamonds between spray tans.

There was the first date, the first kiss, the first, rose, the first proposal, and the first wedding. The first man cry, the first hot tub, and the first person kicked off the show. HEY ROZ! YOU’RE MY BOY, PAULIE!

But here are the things that really stuck out to me as the show unfolded:

  1. Nick Viall is still single and is willing to stretch his age range into grandma territory. Why is this guy still on the show? Why do we care what he and his skinny jeans are up to?
  2. Kaitlyn dated Fake Gosling for three and a half years before ending the relationship. That was a very long time in Bachelor world! But don’t worry about her. She’s super busy with her podcast, her scrunchie business (not a typo), her wine label, and getting all sorts of Botox shot into her face. Fun fact: After proclaiming that she wouldn’t date anymore, she started seeing Jason — a castoff from Becca’s season. Supposedly, listeners “felt” their chemistry through the podcast when she interviewed him after the show and that’s all she wrote!
  3. Jillian got a nose job. And started growing in her eyebrows. She’s still super funny and full of energy.
  4. Emily Maynard wished for a minivan full of kids when she agreed to be the bachelorette in season 8. She now has a minivan full of kids. We don’t know how Little Ricki feels about three baby brothers invading her space in the south part of the mansion, but I suspect it will come out soon when she either tries out for the show or writes her tell-all book.
  5. He Who Must Not Be Named lost his shampoo, but found Jesus.
  6. Ali has the cutest offspring of all the bachelorettes.
  7. We were able to sneak into Rachel’s bridal shower. Although it was weird seeing her open all sorts of questionable lingerie, I did notice that she looks fabulous and appears to be very, very happy. She and Bryan are finally getting married in August. PS: The Sholphin looks PHENOMENAL.
  8. Once all the bachelorettes convened together in the mansion, the show found itself. The weirdest part was the “begat” game they played. Since the show is incestuous, everyone went around the circle, trying to figure out who all dated Mesnick and which ones kissed Arie. What did we learn? Everyone has made out with Nick Viall at one point or another.
  9. They consider themselves a sisterhood with Tricia Sutter as the Sergeant at Arms.
  10. Best quote of the night — Jojo: “I like to see the guys I dumped on my season go on Bachelor in Paradise. It comforts me to know they really are idiots.”

It should be pointed out that two bachelorettes were not there. Meredith from season 2 and Jen from season 3. I wanted to know what was up, so I watched a clip with Harrison and “his girlfriend” as she interviewed him for Entertainment Tonight (ugh) and he said that they couldn’t make the dates work for everyone.

I also noticed that Andi Dorfman was incredibly insecure during the shoot. She was super quiet and stand offish. My theory? She feels sad that she’s the only one in the group who isn’t married or currently dating someone fabulous.

Exhibits A-K:

Trista: Happily married to a fireman she met on the show, with two adorable kids.

DeAnna: Married to Stephen Stagliano, the twin of Michael Stagliano — WHO WAS ON THE SHOW! WE LOVE HIM! They have two kids. Also: DeAnna doesn’t look a day different than she did eleven years ago when her season aired. SHE DOES NOT AGE and I need whatever magical elixir she’s using on her face.

Jillian: She dumped shorty shorts Ed and married a hometown Canadian guy. They have kids and she seems to be loving life.

Ali: Dumped Roberto. Went out on a date with Frank (her true love) after her season ended. It didn’t work out, so she reconnected with a guy friend. They got married and, as I said, have the cutest kids ever.

Ashley: Married JP from the show, got pregnant, had a sonogram on the show, had the baby, had another baby, and lived happily ever after.

Emily: Dumped 1-F Jef for a guy she met at church. Then she married him and started having babies immediately. She claims she’s the “loser” bachelorette since she is the only one without a side business. She’s just a mom.

Desiree: This one really shocked me that she’s is still with Chris. But they made it and have two kiddos! She even had her last one ten weeks ago and looks fabulous.

Andi: Looks gorgeous. No love life. Please, please do not let her go back to Nick. Or Juan Pablo. If she does that, eet’s not okay.

Kaitlyn: Long-lasting showmance that ended in devastation. But the next day, she found love again because her personality rocks. And who else can get away with wearing matching red shorts and blazer from the 80s with a lace black bra? Kaitlyn, that’s who.

Jojo: Still seeing Aaron Rodgers’ brother, but she didn’t say much about him. It would not surprise me if we Harrison’s “girlfriend” scoops in the near future that these two are dunzo.

Rachel: Happily engaged to Bryan (or Gerome if you’re going by his pet name) and getting married in August. We’re all invited!

Becca: Engaged to Garrett, but she didn’t mention him at all. They didn’t do a montage about her love life, either. Is there trouble in Paradise?

And as for Hannah Bama — I think this season is going to be interesting for sure. Everyone kept saying how “weird” and “quirky” she is, but in a good way. They also showed Harrison in her hometown, proving that she’s loved by everyone in Tuscaloosa. Although her season does look dramatic, aren’t they all? As I said before, I think she will be fine until she realizes that the dude has to pick her, too, and may not be there for the right reasons (right reasons.) It’s not all butterflies, rainbows, talent segments, and winner sashes.

Then again, Roll Tide.

Photo By: abc.com

31
Comments

avatar
17 Comment threads
14 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
22 Comment authors
DianaKonaRosaAliciaShelley Recent comment authors
newest oldest
MeganZS
MeganZS

Jojo and Jordan are doing great. They had an internet show and are going onto a different project. They seem to be happy as can be and planning the wedding for next year according to the show.

Katie
Katie

Well now I have to watch this, because this made me want to see it for myself 🙂 LOVE.

Cindy S.
Cindy S.

What is up with Jillian? I would NEVER have recognized her. She looks like a totally different person.

Jessica

We thought the same thing when they first showed her and she was being interviewed with her family at home. I think definitely a nose job like Lincee said, but she also looked like she had put on a little weight (which actually made me like her even more!) and her hair was so different from how we’d ever seen it. I almost didn’t recognize her. But then when they had the mini reunion at the mansion, I thought she looked more like herself.

Missy
Missy

She just had a baby, too, so it makes sense she’s a little heavier now

Diana
Diana

Jillian is not married to Jason. They are engaged and have two kids now. She is staring in a new season of Love it or List it Vancouver and for the first time this season, Jason is one of the contractors on the show.

Liana
Liana

The show could have been just 30 minutes with the girls catching up and letting us know what they are up to. Too much silly filler and screaming Bachelor Nation fans.
Kaitlyn is almost unrecognizable with all the fillers and whatever other procedures she had done. Never a favorite of mine but she is happy. Velvet scrunchies? Does anyone wear them anymore?
Kind of fun show but way too looooong!

votemom
votemom

7th graders everywhere in michigan are wearing them. including the two in my house. as they did year ago, they appear in both ponytails and on wrists

sara
sara

Yep! I teach high school and every girl has one in their hair and on their wrist, LOL. I wish I would have saved all of mine from the 90s!

Jessica

Jillian has always been my favorite of the Bachelorettes and last night I was reminded why. She’s real, and funny, and I’m glad she’s happy!

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

I am so glad you caught this show and recapped it. None of my friends saw it or knew it was on! I love Jason! So glad to see him still around. Everyone looked so good and I thought it was great to highlight just the ladies. I have always felt that they make better decisions on the whole. They could’ve scratched the entire Nick segment. He doesn’t pass as endearing any more and am afraid that the moment for redemption has long passed, and now he’s just gross. Anyway, I’m so glad you recapped this Lincee! Can’t wait for the new season. I loved the out take with OHCH and Bama naming themselves ice cream flavors…

Lexie

Agree!!! Nick should have stopped while he was ahead!

votemom
votemom

kaitlyns botox face is borderline hideous. why!?!

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

So happy to see Rachel doing well and getting married. I read that ABC was not going to televise her wedding. I sure hope that is wrong. I loved her and Bryan from Day ONE. I didn’t watch Desiree’s season. I was super surprised there was no Jo JO update, or bridal shower or anything that would make it seem like she is happily ever after. Super Shocked Becca didn’t even get to flaunt her love. Maybe her and that dude are about to split. Trista is fabulous!

Lillian
Lillian

I bet she can’t have an on-tv wedding because of her federal judge daddy!

Kelli
Kelli

During the last season finale, when they were jumping back and forth between live locations–Kevin and I both said that Becca and Garrett seemed like they were done. They didn’t get a lot of camera time and when they were on–they were in the background–which was weird since they were the most recent match made in heaven. And yes, I’m being sarcastic and Kevin is rolling his eyes.

I think Rachel and Bryan declined a televised wedding.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Nope!
Wedding wasn’t offered
MAYBE WE SHOULD GET A PETITON GOING
https://www.brides.com/story/bachelorette-rachel-lindsay-bryan-abasolo-not-televised-wedding

Karen
Karen

I was also curious about the whereabouts of both Meredith and Jen. Here is what I found: http://www.distractify.com/p/what-happened-to-meredith-phillips-jen-schefft

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

wow! Meredith’s story sounds horrible.. thank goodness she finally found love. I doubt the show wanted her around in case she spilled the beans on her experience

Old Christine
Old Christine

Thank you for recapping this show, Lincee. I have missed your wonderful snarky comments.

Katie
Katie

Ladies, a question 🙂 Who is He Who Must Not Be Named?

Bri
Bri

Hmm… Dare I write his name? It rhymes with Les Mayden… 😉 (Does that help?)

abby
abby

I have always wondered this (I guess he pre-dates my watching of the show), and I learned Monday night that it’s a guy named Wes from Jillian’s season (apparently he had a girlfriend but still made it into the final four). I am also curious about where the nickname came from (aside from the fact that he’s obviously a chach!).

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Was he the one that had the wife and was training for an Ironman competition?

Shelley
Shelley

That was Dave. He Who Shall Not Be Named is now a contractor in Austin, after having lived in his truck for 5 years.

abby
abby

I also noticed that Andi was being weird, but I didn’t even think about the fact that she’s the only single one from the group. Nothing to be ashamed of, of course, but you’re probably right that it made her feel a little uncomfortable among the rest. During the credits roll, Becca did have the girls “tell Garrett into the camera” that he needs to let her get a puppy…they may have just cut footage of her talking about him. Same with Jojo and Jordan–I follow her in Instagram and, although I don’t purposely or regularly try to keep up with them, it appears they still do tons of stuff together and are happy. They actually have some reality show about their life together on some weird network. I like them and hope they make it. I will say–I don’t know that I’ve ever seen so many injectibles in one room–good lord! Even one of my faves Emily Maynard had puffed her cheeks up and straightened her forehead out to high heavens.

Shelley
Shelley

Desiree looked absolutely gorgeous! And a baby 10 weeks before no less! Kaitlin has not just botox but either implants or LOTS of filler in her cheeks. You can really see the protrusion from the side. Lincee, and therefore the rest of us, used to refer to Jillian as Polly Pocket, she was so tiny, and that is just not sustainable! I felt like Andi got the ‘we don’t really like you’ edit.

Kalon and Rated R are both living the shallow lives they deserve. Meridian was my favorite season. I’m sorry they didn’t invite her on, but I’m glad she’s happy now. I didn’t watch Colton’s season (which is why I was surprised to see this special recorded, but I never changed from Bachelorette to Bachelor in my preferences) but this Hannah seems lovely. Roll Tide would get old quick for me, but clearly people like saying it all the time in town!

Alicia
Alicia

Becca made me hide behind the cushions when she disclosed that she and Garrett broke the bed. My polite southern upbringing would never allow me to say such on national television (and I would hear my mother in my ear as well). However, I did crack up when Jillian and Ali were discussing the way that Jake kissed! LOL That was a hoot. Kaitlyn is probably a good friend, etc….but I’ve listened to her podcast. She has a bit of a potty mouth…which is a turnoff for me. (Again, it’s a southern thing). But I could not get over her eyes…weird contacts? Plus the work that she’s had done. I’ve like almost all of the bachelorettes, but I think that Jillian is probably my all time favorite. And I loved Ed…even if he was a little sleezy. But I really heart Reid. I wonder whatever happened to Reid? He was sooo Chandler Bing! Honestly, I thought all of the ladies were lovely! Oh, and even though being from Alabama I’m much more War Eagle….for our girl Hannah, I will say – Roll Tide! Cannot wait for this season!!!

Diana
Diana

Actually, Ed and Reid have both been happily married for several years.