Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Denim Panties
When you turn on the television expecting to see Our Host Chris Harrison, but instead see Monday Night Football, emotions can run rampant. That’s what happened to me this week. Luckily, JJ Watt was there to make everything better for the most part.
Unfortunately, Bachelor in Paradise didn’t air until MIDNIGHT, so I was forced to watch Monday’s show hours before Tuesday’s debacle aired. If you’re doing the math, that’s FOUR HOURS OF BIP IN ONE SITTING.
Learn from my mistakes, people. It was brutal. Just like some of the highlights I’ll discuss below!
Bless it. I knew it was going to happen, but, BLESS ALL THE THINGS. Deanie Babies is back and he wants to whisk Caelyn away from all the Paradise madness. Does he care that she is totally, like, in love with Tall Connor? Heavens, no.
My favorite part of this entire exchange was the peanut gallery all sprawled out on the beach bed, trying to figure out what exactly was going on using nothing but body language. She’s touching her hair! Is she crying? Or is that laughter? Where is his mustache? How can he not pass out from wearing black head to toe?
Caelyn makes her way over to her ladies and they all group hug her because Pardising is hard work. Angela lightly punches Connor in the ribs and whispers, “Go get your girl.” They take off to the upstairs palapa where Connor reminds her of the many things Dean did to hurt her [cough-dumping you on your birthday-cough] and his general sense of ickiness.
Moments later, Caelyn shows up IN FULL MAKE UP to let Dean know she is all in. Even though she’s confused, she’s young and this is her time to be stupid. TO THE VAN! Dean pounces on her and kisses her BIG TIME in front of Tall Connor and the rest of the cast her are watching…right there…fifty-yards away…from the beach bed.
To quote Demi: “That’s not a good-bye kiss.”
Caelyn makes her way to Connor and leads with this sentence: “I’m gonna go. It doesn’t make sense.” Duh, Caelyn. Then she cries to everyone that she’s officially leaving camp and they all congratulate her for following her heart while Sydney shouts, “LOVE YOU!”
Connor wisely chooses to leave since Whitney never came down the steps.
Who’s Whitney you ask and how is Connor pining after a woman not named Caelyn? Good question. Let’s not pull at that thread. Just trust him when he says it was love at first sight when he saw her at The Goose’s wedding and he’s been thinking about her ever since.
So the producers send her into Paradise! Twenty-five minutes after Connor leaves. They literally passed each other on the highway. Whitney bounds down the steps and when she hears Connor isn’t there, she heads right back to her SUV to find the love of her life in a Mexican hotel room. Shirtless.
Paradise dreams do come true if you believe hard enough.
Enchantment Under the Sea Dance
Since Tayshia never went to her prom, John Paul Jones decides to have the ABC Intern run all over Mexico to find balloons, plastic crowns, and a crystal bowl full of purple punch. It was a makeshift night to remember. Or “knight to remember” if you went to Hallsville High School in 1994.
Things got awkward when a local musician starting playing a poignant yet jazzy rendition of Air Supply’s “Making Love Out of Nothing At All.” Fortunately, Tayshia invited all of the other couples to join her on the sandy dance floor so they could sway under the stars while the losers without dates watched from the beach bed.
Even though Tayshia tried to repay the kind gesture with a weird Titanic-themed “draw me like your French girls” moment with John Paul Jones (IN DENIM PANTIES), most believed that the prom was way more effective. The girls encouraged the other boys to step it up.
Blake listened. And with nine hundred votives and a thousand red rose petals, he created a fake date card to show Kristina how he really feels. Which is love. For her. He just knows it.
I’m not sure how he missed the incredibly noticeable body language when he tried to kiss her, or the fact that he suggests she “put on something nice” and she arrives in the exact same beach outfit she was wearing before. This guy is jonesing for some love and by golly, Kristina is just the default to give it to him!
Kristina begs to differ. She takes one look at the pseudo-romantic environment and through the smoky haze of countless candles, she tells him that she just can’t. Then she leaves him in a shell shocked state-of-mind. We see Blake trying to puzzle through his new reality. How could his journey to find love in Paradise be so brutal, when Stagecoach Redneck Cochella was such a walk in the park?
I have to say that I felt so very sorry for Other Luke when he tried to give his rose to Bri and she said no. Harrison confidently walks over to the rejected and playfully says, “Well, this has never happened before. Would anyone like Other Luke’s rose?”
No one stepped up. Not one. I feel like ABC owes him some sort of free jet ski afternoon with Jorge’s Toures to make up for even a fraction of that embarrassment.
Last Day of Camp
The next day, Our Host walks into Paradise and announces that the previous rose ceremony was the last rose ceremony. The couples have exactly however many minutes to decide if they are going to become a real life couple in the fantasy suite or not. If they don’t want to commit right then and there in the moment, they are banned from the beach without any chance to say good-bye to the other campers whom they’ve come to know and love like family in two weeks.
This sends most into a fitful tizzy.
Except Bri, who is really good at ripping Band-Aids. When Old Matt Donald asks his “supermodel” to join him in the fantasy suite (since he dumped Sydney the night before, LOVE YOU GIRL) Bri gives him some spiel about how she wants him to like her for more than her supermodel looks. She leaves him on the beach to sweat it out in confusion.
Chase and Angela bro hug it out, knowing that they couldn’t care less about each other.
Nicole wants Clay to tell her that he loves him, which he does not. In fact, he keeps saying things like “if we do this” or “if this works out.” She visibly irritated by this, but she’s not willing to rock this boat since fantasy suites are only a bikini wax away.
John Paul Jones tells Tayshia he’s in love with her and she brutally denies him through big, huge tears. She claims he doesn’t know what he’s looking for in a woman. Ouch. He hugs her good-bye, gets up from the beach bed, and walks away. Like a normal person.
Tayshia runs after him screaming that SHE IS SORRY! He whisks her up into his arms and we all think she’s had a change of heart, because clearly, one of the engaged hands at the end of this ride is an African-American woman with a caucasian man.
Nope. He was rescuing her from hot sand. He puts her down, hugs her again, and then cries while looking at a Polaroid from the best night of his life — Paradise Prom 2019.
Kristian and Demi work through their “don’t touch other people” and “I hate PDA” manufactured drama and agree to stay, along with boring old Hannah and Dylan.
And then there’s Old Man Chris who is freaking out because COMMITMENT is a mature man’s game. Katie talks him off the ledge by simply saying, “I’m not asking for an engagement. I just like you. Can’t we give this a shot?” The answer is yes, but I’m not sure I’m buying it.
So four couples are left and according to the scenes from engagements, there’s no way what they are showing in the promo is what actually happens. We won’t find out until Tuesday, September 17, thanks to the Dancing with the Stars premiere (starring our very own Hannah Bama!)
We will get some engagements, I assume, and an after Paradise powwow. Rumor has it that the next bachelor will be announced, too. Who do you think it will be? With Big Mike and Derek in the stadium seats, I can only assume Peter the Pilot is somewhere right now doing crunches. What do you think?