Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Shake Your Bon-Bon

Why do we watch Bachelor in Paradise? What is it that draws us into the melodramatic lives of these future social media influencers? Do we want them to find love? Are we really interested in Bachelor Nation celebrating another union born from romps on the beach bed and incestuous relationships? 

Of course not. We tune into Bachelor in Paradise to watch Derek sniff Demi’s armpits, John Paul Jones asleep hanging halfway out of a hot tub, and Jordan yanking down a piñata to prove a point. 

And if someone fall in love in the process, so be it.

In Case You Didn’t Know…

Demi is conflicted. She’s been seeing a girl back home and she’s afraid to tell Derek. Interestingly enough, she tells everyone else on the beach, but him, and is super surprised when he takes the news with a grain of salt. I’m sure his cheery disposition will change when ABC points to the cobblestone steps, inviting Demi’s friend a one-way ticket to Paradise. 

Leaving On a Jet Plane

Not Mateo is in touch with his Spidey-sense because everything inside of him tingles with “something ain’t right” vibes. Why is his beloved Hannah giving Blake the time of day? Who swing dances with another man fifty feet away from their sort of boyfriend? Kudos to Dylan for not melting into her arms when she finally comes over to talk to him about “what’s up.” 

Hannah is, like everyone else except for the man sitting in front of her, open to other experiences in Paradise. It’s what it’s all about! She owes it to herself to play the field! Dylan reminds her that he only has eyes for her, and her little boy toy Blake has eyes for Caelyn, Kristina, Tayshia, Becca, Hannah Bama, Emily Maynard, Taylor Swift, and probably Chris Harrison. 

Dylan doesn’t let it go and Hannah finally cracks under the pressure. Guess what? Blake booked a flight to Birmingham a week before Paradise to “meet up.” But don’t worry. They just kissed a little. 

Right, right, right. So was this interlude before or after Stagecoach-Gate? I’m confused on the timeline. Moreover, I don’t technically care. Blake is not a player. He’s a moron who doesn’t know how to treat a woman. 

Once the news gets out, everyone laughs at how the Blake onion continues to reveal new layers. Or to put it in Tayshia’s words, “Every single day, we learn a new piece of Blake’s puzzle. It’s 500 pieces that we originally thought was ten pieces.”

Someone convinces Tayshia to approach Hannah and tell her how her feelings are hurt that she has been tasked with one of the corners of Blake’s pentagon. Hannah doesn’t appreciate being attacked and calls Tayshia a MEAN GIRL. 

On Wednesdays we wear pink. And show our cleavage. 

Down By the River

Dean is back and according to Our Host, he looks like a ‘70s porn star. I would agree. He’s a bit disheveled, has unkept hair, and is very proud of a rather luscious mustache. We learn that he is jobless, homeless, and lives in a van down by the river. 

As you may recall, Dean was a watered down version of Blake from last season. He dated D-Lo and Kristina and did not woo them well. He wants to atone for his sins. When he arrives on the beach, all the women think he is G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S. Clearly these jokers are still suffering from heat exhaustion and dehydration. 

While Dean is off charming all the women, Caelyn overhears Kristina “tell her business” to someone at the bar. Caelyn is RIGHT THERE. And Kristina doesn’t care. This makes Caelyn cry big, huge tears. She’s mortified when Dean walks up to steal her snotty face away for some alone time.

Dean is into the au naturale look and actually digs Caelyn’s blotchy face and random hiccups. He asks her out on a date and she accepts. Big Mike is upset, but he quickly moves on to a new connection with Sydney. 

Who you ask? The brunette one in the background. 

Caelyn and Dean share a meal. She wants to know if he’s serious about setting down.

Let’s put our thinking caps on, Caelyn. He literally lives in a van and travels around places to experience the world. He came to Paradise for a shower and a hot plate of nachos. Get your head in the game, girl. 

This doesn’t stop Caelyn from making out with him in the pool. 

Color Commentary

I would hands down watch a show where Jordan and Demi color commentated all the drama on the beach. Sign me up. 

Jordan: Who’s getting a rose this week?
Demi: ABC – Anyone But Cam

Demi: Last night I swear Chris aged every ten minutes. By the end of the night he was ninety-three-years-old.

Jordan [watching two girls run down the beach]: Look! It’s a Forever 21 commercial!

Shake Your Bon-Bon

Christian is back and I don’t expect you to know who he is since our amigo was cut the first night of Becca’s season. He did have a moment with Jordan on Men Tell All when he tried to get fifteen seconds of fame by wearing a tuxedo on top and pedal pushers on the bottom. But Jordan put him in his place by introducing himself. 

Here’s what we know about Christian from my earlier recaps during Becca’s season:

Christian comes in with lots of heat and immediately asks Nicole to go on a date. This makes three for Havana, which presumably puts her into the “hot commodity” category. 

They ride jet skis, whisper sweet Spanish nothings into each other’s ears, and then make out on the beach From Here To Eternity style. Havana thinks Christian is sexy and confident. That’s her sweet spot. It’s also the opposite of Clay’s disposition. She wants Clay to be more assertive. 

When she returns to the beach, she tells him that. Nicole wants Clay to step out of his comfort zone and do something special. While she lectures him on how to properly court her, Christian comes up to steal Nicole away. Clay isn’t having it. Whilst laying down on the beach bed, he argues with Christian. He had her all day. It’s Clay’s turn. 

Nicole allows Clay to stay, kindly sends Christian back to the bar, and then lightly chastises Clay for not standing up (literally) to defend her honor in front of Christian. Use your size and intimidate him, man! 

Hey Havana. Clay is way too classy to do that. If you want machismo, Christian is right there. 

O Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?

Where are thou, Romeo? He’s under a very big pillow, but don’t tell anyone. John Paul Jones has decided that he is going to profess his love through the medium of iambic pentameter. With a “shaka brah” tone to his voice. Tayshia is his Juliet and he is her Romeo.

He stumbles through one part, since he decided to memorize the entire thing, and Tayshia LOVES it. They make out and she is floored by the revelation that under all that “dude” talk, Heath Ledger’s cousin and fourth member of Hansen might be, dare I say, smart? 

This is My Fight Song

When Christian pulls Havana away for a fun surprise, complete with a piñata full of tiny bottles of alcohol, Clay makes a rookie mistake by asking Jordan of all people if she should go and steal Nicole away, just as Christian tried to do the day before. 

Jordan pokes that bear with a piñata stick and says, “YES!” Always a nice guy, Clay does his best to politely ask Christian if he can steal Nicole for five minutes, but he is denied. Just as Christian was denied less than twenty-four hours ago. 

Clay returns to his bros, claiming he didn’t want to put Nicole in a weird position of having to choose. Jordan gives a battle cry, “No one treats my buddy like that!” and runs over to crash Christian’s fiesta. 

Jordan begins by pulling down the piñata and is met with an arm to the throat. I imagine Jordan thought he could just whip that thing down, walking it over to the surf, and toss it in with the fishes, just like he did last year with that big teddy bear. 

That is not what happened. We see Christian going after Jordan and Jordan body slamming the soccer player to the ground. 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Do you think Christian will punch Jordan in the face? And will Jordan press charges? His face is his moneymaker after all. Did you know he was a model?

Photo By: ABC.com

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Bethann
Bethann

Great recap as always!! I have many thoughts but first and foremost did you hear Blake say about the pinata: “There’s probably Viagra and condoms in there?” Or something like that? In any case it was clearly his best line of his entire Bachelor career.

Jaime
Jaime

Yes! I loved that line too!

Kelli
Kelli

Demi and Jordan are the new Carly and Evan! Their commentary is hilarious and y’all know Kevin loves Jordan, specifically because of his comments.

So Demi’s girl isn’t from Bachelor Nation? I thought it was going to be someone already at Paradise. Too bad for Jim Halpert–he is adorable, in a Jim Halpert kind of way.

I didn’t even remember Christian. I hope Jordan doesn’t get evicted from Paradise (or recalled since he is Mayor of Paradise). He’s actually entertaining.

And Hannah, quit trying to make fetch happen.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Based on the previews, they fly in Demi’s at home babe.. Just way out of order. If she is confused, then she needs to stay out of Paradise! Just be confused at home. Not that it’s anything wrong with being confused… Just be confused outside of the Paradise walls.

Kay
Kay

Totally agree! I can’t help but think that if she were pining for a GUY back home, she’d be viewed in a completely different, negative light, and they certainly wouldn’t invite him to come join her!
But this scenario is “ground-breaking”…don’t think for a second that they aren’t going to monopolize on the “the first blah-blah-blah in the franchise’s HISTORY”.
So Demi likes guys and girls….why are we carting in her girl, again? Why wouldn’t she just “peace out” like anyone else that still had feelings for someone at home? Because ratings gold!!! The First Bachelor/Bachelorette Same-Sex Hook-Up!!!!!!
I think the above “title” is only valid if the 2 same-sex people are Bachelor participants, either already in or en-route to paradise. Unless Demi’s struggle is “hmmm…I’m so confused because I have feelings for both Derek AND Nicole (or whomever)”, it looks more like a contrived ratings grab. Why didn’t they invite Jed‘s at home gf last season? I mean clearly he was confused, too…lol.
Anyway, kidding aside, I’m sorry to rant, I just hate the agenda/ratings-driven double standard.

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

Is it too much to wish that her girlfriend will turn out to be Hanna Bama?

white
white

i THOUGHT i saw in a quick clip hannahbama arrive at BIP and hug demi and my mind totally went there?!?! anyone else see/think that ???

Tracie
Tracie

Yes. I think it’s Hannah who makes out with Demi. Why would they bring in someone not from Bachelor Nation???

Sincethebeginning
Sincethebeginning

That’s my prediction. That was what I thought was obvious from the previews. Maybe just me…

Rosa
Rosa

I thought that too, but no way it’s Hannah Bama – plus I’ve seen pictures of the girl via Google search and it’s a non-Bachelor girl. I AM interested to see why HB dropped in to Paradise!

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Hannah and Demi shared a platonic HUG before the season when Demi went to her and spilled the beans about liking GIRLS… there’s no way it is Hannah B and Demi in the kiss on the bed… it looks like a fantasy suite date

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Jordan was SO out of Order! Come on Already! Why is he EVEN back, he is so immature.
I did enjoy the commentary with Demi and Jordan.. but not them talking about how OLD Chris is.. The man is 34.. that is NOT old!
Clay needs to grow a pair! He is so hot, I don’t want him getting booted from Paradise! And why did all of Mike scenes get edited out???

DonnaMarie
DonnaMarie

Lorraine, it’s been a recurring theme/joke that Chris is old, A) because he wore out his welcome after his 20th appearance on these shows, and B) because anyone involved in this franchise who is over 26 yrs is considered old. They say it about certain women all the time. Chris is one of the biggest chaches around and deserves to be ridiculed.

kylea
kylea

Am I late to the game in noticing Cam has a windmill tattoo?

Hollywood
Hollywood

I thought I saw that! I didn’t rewind to check. What a weirdo – I can’t believe he memorialized another couple’s fantasy suite sex marathon. Beyond pathetic attention whore move.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

I mentioned the hideous tattoo last week! It’s large and highly inappropriate! He was long gone when the windmill came up.. Certainly wasn’t worth inking himself for life.
He would need a map and some goggles to find the Windmill.

Libby
Libby

I’m pretty sure it’s been established that he had the tattoo before Hannah and Peter’s windmill tryst.

Rosa
Rosa

Come on y’all!! He is a goof but there’s no way he just went out and got a new windmill tatoo after he left Hannah’s season!!

wilhelmina
wilhelmina

The windmill tattoo has “Dutchy” tattooed above it, and I believe he had it while he was on Hannah’s season.
UGH. I apologize on behalf of all my Dutch people. That is a weird and tacky tattoo.

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

Cam is a complete media HOG… there’s no way he just HAPPEN to have a Windmill Tattoo… Clearly he got it after the show to extend his 15 minutes of fame and be a topic on social media!

Jaime
Jaime

I adored the Jordan and Demi commentary. I can only hope and pray that someone gives Jordan a rose so that we can have more of it! Anyone else think Dylan’s heart tattoo on his heart is a little obvious? 😉

Old Christine
Old Christine

Yes! Dean, newly a 70’s lounge lizard, is now in Paradise! Fun will ensue. Perhaps he can calm down perennially hysterical Caelynn. Plus we can all watch his fabulous kissing again. That boy knows how to kiss. He must have told Wells what to do since Wells was giving kissing tips at the end of this episode.

Linda
Linda

OMG!!! Jordan and Demi made sitting thru the 2 hours worthwhile! They should let them stay on doing commentary. Kevin has not had air time or any interaction. What will become of all that body building? Did he waste his time?
Poor Derek. He is clearly not as accepting as he is letting on. I predict he moves on soon!

Anita
Anita

Sooo…*rubs hands togehter*…It’s perfectly fine for Demi to have an ongoing relationship outside of Paradise? But if one of the men has one he’s a jerk, a jackwagon, a DOG? But because she’s dating a GIRL it’s suddenly FINE that she’s crapping all over another human’s feelings? talk about a double dang standard.

Libby
Libby

It doesn’t sound like Demi’s relationship with the girl back home is anything beyond casual yet, but she’s trying to decide if she wants it to be more or not (within her right as a person in a non-committed, non-monogamous, unofficial relationship). Whereas Jed and Hailey were in a very clear relationship despite what he claimed. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, Demi was up front about her person back home from the first episode of paradise, while Jed kept his other girlfriend a secret until AFTER HE WAS ENGAGED TO HANNAH and only came clean because THERE WAS A PEOPLE MAGAZINE EXPOSE about it. I know you didn’t reference Jed specifically, but for the love of all that is holy, do not compare Demi to Jed or any other guy who had a SECRET girlfriend back home.

Anita
Anita

I just find it hypocritical to judge a dude in this instance. Even if a man had come to paradise, spouting what she’s spounting…I have a gal pal slash possible girlfriend back home. We’re still seeing each other but I’m not sure I wanna take it all the way/make it official with her yet i’msoconfused…a man? You’d crucify him and wonder why the HECK he even CAME to Paradise if his heart wasn’t free?

But because it’s someone you LIKE? Some one FUN and FUNNY and FEMALE? It’s all okay cause she’s being upfront about it all and not hiding it.

Double standard. women do it? It’s fine. Men? Oh no, dude bro gotta go home. Come back when your heart is free…

LORRAINE
LORRAINE

The main issue that that DEMI is confused… and if she is so confused she should stay home. I mean yeah she spilled the beans… But the point of the show is to find Jade and Tanner happiness, that cannot happen if she has a Chick at home… She is wasting everyone’s time, most of all Derek.

Allia
Allia

I’m with Libby on this one… Demi is not keeping the other relationship a secret from anyone, and it doesn’t sound like it was anything serious. I don’t see anything wrong with having a little Paradise time, even if it is to ‘ figure things out’. Plus it just wouldn’t be the same without Demi

faninAZ
faninAZ

Demi and Jordan were my fave part of the episode too — hilarity!

As for the Blake drama, I think the one who suffered the most from his gross behavior is probably Tayshia. If she had known that he had flown to Alabama to see Hannah before the show, she wouldn’t have wasted her time crushing on him for the first few days. I’ve been surprised it has taken her so long to connect with anybody, and I think it’s because she was preoccupied with him after that first date. I’m glad that she and jpj seem to be clicking right now, but that seems like a very odd couple and I doubt it will last beyond the show. He is adorable and funny, but I don’t see them as MFEO. She needs a mature guy who is on her level.

Kate
Kate

I so wish that someone would ask Blake why he chose Tayshia for his date rather than Hannah? It makes no sense at all to me, if he is really so interested in her!

FaninAZ
FaninAZ

Agreed! It made no sense, unless he a) wanted to play hard to get/be subtle about he Hannah thing, or b) Tayshia was an “itch” he needed to scratch before he settled down with Hannah. Either way, Tayshia was collateral damage, and so was Dylan for that matter.

Laura Jean
Laura Jean

This was great, but I nearly spit my coffee with the whole Romeo section!

Ashley

I could swear that Jorge made the same “I lost my virginity” joke last year on a beach date for maybe Colton and Tia and now it’s part of his schtick.