Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Kiss the Girl Already
Did you notice that I didn’t write a recap yesterday? I think that’s the first time I had to skip since the early 2000s when I was working on oil rigs and didn’t have Internet in random plains of North Dakota.
Why did I miss yesterday you ask? I’m blaming it on poor scheduling, book writing, and John Paul Jones’ incessant whining. Heaven help us all. And heaven help Tayshia because I’m seventy-percent sure home girl gets engaged to JPJ by the end of this sweaty journey.
Here’s what you need to know from the escapees of Monday AND Tuesday…
Fake JLo vs. Fake Belle
Angela is on the beach and someone isn’t happy about it. That someone’s name is Havana Nicole and she will do anything, including peeing all over Clay, to let Angela know that he is OFF LIMITS!
Guess what, NicoLo? Angela couldn’t care less that you are sitting in her ex-boyfriend’s lap. Why? Because she’s lost ten pounds and made a deal with the devil to have long, thick shiny locks for the rest of her life. She doesn’t need a sort of football player to make her feel good about herself. She’s got Big Mike to do that for her.
Angela and Mike float in a boat, “Kiss the Girl” style. Then it starts raining and that Little Mermaid illustration is quickly replaced by Noah and Allie in The Notebook. While they make out like cartoons, or star-crossed lovers, Clay can’t seem to STOP talking about Angela when Nicole goes inside the hut to reapply her bronzer.
Clay has big issues with Angela having the nerve to show up in Paradise. If he had known she was coming, he would have agreed to do the show. The fact that she’s flouncing around with her fabulous hair flirty with all of his “friends” is equally as annoying. I personally love that he’s having this “seeing your ex is hard” conversation with Blake, of all people.
As he moans and complains, Nicole takes this time to give Angela the what-for. In case she didn’t know, they are dating and things are amazing and Angela needs to just stay away from their their bubble, mmmkay? Angela is all, “Yo NicoLo. I’m not interested in Clay. You can have him.”
Nicole is pleased with herself for fixing things and is very happy that Angela will not be a problem.
Fake Heath Ledger vs. Fake Jon Krasinski
John Paul Jones has taken a turn for the worse, in my opinion. He is no longer funny or quirky or the dude who sits in the corner blowing snot rockets after he cries buckets of tears. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: He is over tired, bloated, dehydrated, and suffering from boredom. Something’s gotta give.
And that something is Derek.
Fake Jon tells The Twin that JPJ is all in his face about Tayshia and how they are MFEO. Lo and behold, this is news to The Twin. She confronts Mr. Jones and is super pissed that she had to hear this news from Derek of all people.
Through tears, mosquito bite welts, and a snotty nose, Haley finally confronts John Paul Jones, whose one defense is that Tayshia gave him full permission to “test the waters” and it just didn’t work out. I don’t know which reaction was better, Haley’s huge eyes or Demi’s dropped jaw. We all sit and watch as JPJ digs himself a deeper hole and are MORTIFIED when he tells Haley that she’s a “big girl” who should have come and talked to him earlier.
See what I mean? He’s a chach.
Haley then finds Tayshia to make sure she knows what’s going on. While they get on the same page, Derek and JPJ hover about 100 yards away to see where each of their heads are at. Blah, blah, blah, shout, shout, shout. John Paul Jones refuses to listen and Derek is once again bitter and angry.
Derek defends his reputation, claiming that he does NOT do things with girls who slide into his DMs. When JPJ starts laughing like a hyena, no one can take him seriously. So we all fast forward to get to the next thing. Which is equally as unfortunate.
With a Sweat Drop Here and a Sweat Drop There
Old Matt Donald arrives on the beach with plastic hair, half of a date card, and a will to survive in this franchise for more than one day. He’s followed by Fake Nick Viall who has the other half of a date card. They commandeer Sydney and Mother Russia to go with them to eat hot foods chased by big glasses of milk all day long. It appeared to be (and can be confirmed) the worst date ever.
Matt and Sydney do find time to sit on a bench and visit a little. He reminds her that he was the one who has a deaf family. He teaches her a few phrases in sign language and she wisely asks, “What’s kiss me?” He shows her. She mimics the action. And he sits there. She mimics again. He just smiles.
With a green light here and a green light there. Here a green, there a light, everywhere a green light.
Old Matt Donald NEVER KISSES HER. #bless
Later that night on the beach, everyone starts giving Matt advice on how to make a move. I become very, very, very anxious, wondering if Old Matt has ever kissed a girl before. He’s sweating up a storm and openly admits that he’s nervous. Poor Sydney has to tell him, “Hey Old Matty D, if you go for the kiss, I promise I will not pull away in disgust.”
The longer the not kissing goes on, the worse I feel. I am confident that he is going to crash and burn, so I have to hide behind my couch cushion when the blessed moment comes, relying on others to tell me if he knew what to do with his head, or if he approached the money shot with tongue.
I’m happy to report that it was acceptable. And the entire cast cheers in jubilation when the two crazy kids finally make out on the infamous beach bed.
This was by FAR my favorite part of both nights!
Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica, Bachelor
John Paul Jones tells Tayshia he’s sorry for being a chach and promises to do better in the future. Then he starts crying uncontrollably because his love for Tayshia runs deep. The next thing we know, Tayshia is breaking up with Derek because she doesn’t see herself “getting there.”
Derek isn’t mad. He’s just disappointed and bathing in self loathing at the moment. After being left by gender fluid Demi for another woman and now Tayshia for John Paul Jones of all people, Derek has decided to leave Paradise. Everyone is SUPER SAD, which proves Derek is a great guy.
The rejection limo takes him to the airport. When he gets off at LAX, a limo is there to pick him up and take him to the nearest Crossfit gym. We only have a few months to get Derek back in tip top shape before he’s announced as the next bachelor. We can’t having him wearing his ice blue t-shirts all season long. I don’t care how they perfectly match his eyes. It clearly states in the bachelor contract that one must be topless eighty-percent of the time.
Hot Chase arrives from JoJo’s season. All you need to know is that he’s attractive and that he has a giant tiger tattoo on his torso. He also immediately steals Angela away from Big Mike, leaving a fan favorite bachelor contender high and dry. No Sydney. No Angela. No rose. BYE MIKE!
Bri, who faked an Australian accent on Colton’s season, also arrives on the beach. Guess who has her eyes on Blake? THIS MATE! And according to her Instagram account, guess who else was at Stagecoach? TWO FOR TWO!
Unfortunately, Blake can’t go with Bri on her surfing date because less than twelve hours ago, he professed his love and affection for Mother Russia. You know he was kicking himself! I will say that the temptation was real when this supermodel chick asked him to join her for some fun in the sun. Luckily, Blake took it to heart when all of the alums at the wedding told him to SHAPE UP since rumors were already floating around in the real world that he was a Grade A Jack Wagon.
Bri is forced to surf with Old Matty Kissy Face. Let the record show he has no problem making out with Bri in the surf and sun. This makes me believe that Sydney is more than likely a goner next week.
The Boom-Boom Room
I pray to anyone and everyone that the boom-boom room sheets are changed on an hourly rotation.
Man in Black
Dean arrives back on the beach with a lovely tan line where his mustache used to reside. He takes Caelyn out of Connor’s dope arms and escorts her to the beach bed. He wants her back, you see. He had an epiphany at the Grand Canyon and decided that Caelyn was worth fighting for. He wants her to leave Paradise with him…today.
My guess is that ABC offered him a few bones, a tank of gas, and another hot shower to come back to Paradise to shake things up like a lively game of Boggle. Will Caelyn leave with him?
My guess is YES!