Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Not Mateo 4-Evr
It’s stormy on the beaches of Sayulita, Mexico, and that can only mean one thing: A rose ceremony is inevitable. Blake must choose who will carry his coveted bud and, when another man picks Hannah first, which lucky lady who looks good in a bathing suit will get his rose instead.
There are twelve women and nine men. Someone who is really good at math tells us that three women will be going home. Although my calculations weren’t technically right from my prediction last week, I can say that the results weren’t surprising in the least.
Derek hands his rose to Demi and Clay to Havana. No surprises there. Wills gives his to Katie and then Keith/Kevin gives his to Sydney. She was one of my picks to go home, based solely on the assumption that Old Man Chris is a decent guy. He’s not.
We see that John Paul Jones gives his rose to Onyeka. I couldn’t understand his words, but using context clues filled, I think he thinks she’s cool. Cam (#bless) gives his to Caelyn. Then Dylan gives his to Hannah, leaving Blake to invite Tayshia to stay on the island. Finally, Old Man Chris chooses Mother Russia over Annaliese (who has been fawning all over him for a week) and she goes home with Bibs and that girl who made JPJ puke.
And now for episode 3!
The Man in Golden Panties
Model Jordan from Becca’s season arrives on “his beach” basking in the aroma of sweet tangerine. Why does Jordan think he owns the place? Because he schooled everyone last year, played the game, and ended up proposing to Jenna! Who cares that they broke up the same day. My point is that he knows the ropes and someone will be “calling me Daddy by the end of this.”
Jordan is looking for love. And that love’s name is Hannah.
Jordan whisks Hannah away immediately because, you know, they’re both models. Hannah explains that Dylan gave her his rose the night before, but that Blake is also pursuing her pretty hard. In a nutshell, she’s Most Popular and Jordan needs to take a number.
He pulls Havana Nicole away next. She mentions her date with Clay, but claims she’s open. She also tells Jordan that Kristina took Blake on a date and that Blake took Tayshia on a date but everyone still likes Hannah equally.
After Jordan gets Kristina in a corner to spill the beans about her date with Blake, she tells him that it wasn’t romantic. She just needed to talk about Stagecoach and how he “hung out” with Caelyn. This officially blows Jordan’s mind. Blake is the problem here. He puts his spoon in everyone’s pudding.
Using this math, he has no choice but to ask Hannah out on his date. It just makes sense. He pitches it as “let’s go have fun.” She agrees. Then she changes her mind. She doesn’t want to be a communal pudding cup.
Hannah tells Jordan that she is “connecting with Dylan,” and wants to try and figure out where she stands with Blake. Jordan respects what she’s saying and wastes no time stealing Blake away for a little one-on-one time.
Jordan: This is my beach and I just got turned down on a date. They are all confused because of you. Spend the day clearing git up, man. This does not look good.
Blake: I know.
Hannah sidles up next to Dylan who looks like he’s ready to throw in the towel. Paradise is hard, y’all, and he’s more exhausted than he’s ever been in his entire life. But when his lady friend shares that she’s not going on a date with Justice of the Peace Jordan, his entire body relaxes. He’s so happy, he kisses her collarbone that protrudes from her body.
Let the record show that she does not look as happy as the guy whose name is not Mateo.
Welcome to the Jungle
Jordan tells the camera that Havana is not his first pick, but she’ll do. Nicole agrees to go on the date, changes into sporty clothes, and gives Clay a chilly “good-bye” as she wanders down the path with the semi-Chach. She admits that she wants to play a little hard to get, hoping that Clay will realize she’s a hot commodity.
Clay retaliates by making jokes and using sarcasm. He and Chandler Bing are my spirit animals.
Jordan and Havana zip line through the jungle, courtesy of Jorge’s Tours. The go-pro on their helmets produce the most unfortunate angles. It’s extremely unflattering. What are you gonna do?
They sort of have a conversation in a jungle treehouse where Jorge, allegedly, lost his virginity. Gross. Also, why?
When they return, Clay is very happy to see Havana again. He missed her and wants to snuggle on the outdoor bed. Clay asks her how the dates compared and she answers, “There was no comparison.” Then they make out.
Check Yes or No
HELP ME JESUS, Cam writes Caelyn a letter. I should be applauding that he didn’t execute the sweet gesture through his gift of rapping, but the love note was not good. Not good at all. It was everything Caelyn could do to not laugh in her morning green drink. Vodka? Can we get some vodka in this please? Where is Wells?
It was painful. Definitely a hide behind the couch cushion moment. Cam is smitten and believes with his whole heart that Caelyn feels the same.
Then Big Mike shows up with his fabulous teeth and eyebrows and muscles and everything changes. Cam is convinced Big Mike is in Paradise to screw this up. It’s the only logical explanation. Otherwise, he and Caelyn would be shoving Clay and Havana off the beach bed to do a little making out of their own.
All the girls go ga-ga over Mike’s entrance. Onyeka calls him a “snack” and I decide to make that happen in Houston. Just like fetch. All the guys start sweating and suddenly get a little mopey. Especially Cam when Big Mike asks Caelyn on his date and she says yes before he can finish the sentence.
Cam is distraught. He cries for the remainder of the episode. This is not an exaggeration.
Mike and Caelyn bond over the fact that it’s super hard to fall in love on a reality show, only to get your heart stomped on in front of millions of people. Mike appears to like Caelyn. A lot. I can’t read Caelyn’s facial expressions, so I have no idea if she’s excited. The mariachi band seems to brighten her mood. Maybe she was self-conscious about the shirt she was wearing as a dress.
Cry Me a River
Poor Wills is on the struggle bus. He took a number to like Hannah and was denied. Now he’s moved on to Katie. He wants to do something special for her. So he asks Wells to whip up a pitcher of orange juice to sip on as he tells her that she is the bomb.
Katie starts crying mid-compliment. Why? Because Wills is so nice and she’s not interested. Also why? She is sloshed. Three sheets to the wind. Wasted. Drunk as a skunk.
Through a very slurred conversation, I think Katie tells Wills that she doesn’t want to be a Blake. She doesn’t want to have more than one boyfriend on the beach. And since she must give Wills the old heave-ho, she feels like a MONSTER.
Where does she find comfort? In the arms of Old Man Chris. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Katie was my favorite and her judgement is clearly compromised by copious amounts of tequila. Old Man Chris hasn’t seen Kristina since he gave her his rose, so he feels the need to milk this moment for what it’s worth so he can live another week on the island. They make out on the beach bed and I roll my eyes.
The Girl is Mine
Blake finally makes his move. Once the sun sets, he asks to speak to Hannah. She literally removes herself from Dylan’s arms and accompanies Blake exactly two-hundred yards away. Blake tells her what she’s feeling and how he’s going to fight for her and how she’s making excuses in her head because in her gut, she knows she should be with him.
Isn’t it interesting how Blake knows what other people are feeling? Does that make him an Enneagram 4? Are they the ones who can read minds?
Blake decides to teach Hannah how to dance. Sadly, three other women watch FROM RIGHT THERE AT THE BAR, commenting that they, too, had received private dance lessons from Blake. Then Blake and Hannah start making out. With Dylan and the whole cast. RIGHT THERE AT THE BAR.
Dylan thinks this is about as disrespectful as it gets. And just when I’m about to scold him for blaming only Blake in this situation, he starts to question why Hannah is letting it happen. He threatens to go interrupt and ask her. Most of the women tell him NO!
Demi and I shout, “DO IT!”
Dylan calmly walks over and politely waits for Blake to take his tongue out of his girlfriend’s mouth. Blake is irritated because he had waited all day for alone time with Hannah.
Blake: I want to take this time to focus on Hannah.
Dylan: Like you focused on every girl here?
Blake rolls his eyes at Dylan’s low blow. Then he starts reading minds again and tells Dylan that Hannah needs to take her time to make an informed decision. It’s a big week now that the girls have the power. He tags the end by telling Dylan that he’s making Hannah feel very uncomfortable.
Hannah just stands there and pulls at her ponytail. Dylan addresses both parties, explaining that he just wants everyone to be on the same page. When they stand in silence for sixty seconds, Dylan looks at Hannah, pleading for her to say a word. Any word.
When she doesn’t, Dylan walks off and leaves both of them to continue their dancing in the surf beside the rock where Cam is crying.
Everyone immediately labels Hannah as a player. Even Dylan wonders why Hannah clearly hasn’t been upfront with him. It’s the ultimate slap in the face.
I hate this. Dylan is such a snack. Hannah is the opposite of fetch.
Bibs: If I had slept with Blake, would I have stayed too?
Jordan: There’s a different between putting your foot in your mouth verses being a dumb a$$. Blake’s a dumb a$$.