If you haven’t watched the show yet, beware: SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Dancing with the Stars Season 23 finale strung me through a melodramatic wringer. It was a two-hour smorgasbord of concerns and reactions that I have painstakingly listed below in chronological order. I’d love to know if you too experienced any of the same emotions. Or add some of your own feels to the comment section!

• Nauseated by the sexy Santa uniforms showcased by the female pros in the opening number.
• Thankful that Erin wore a sensible dress that didn’t discourage full-range arm movement.
• Irritated by the back-and-forth between the ballroom stage and The Grove stage outside.
• Confused why James and Sharna chose their circus quickstep as their favorite dance?
• Deflated that Andy Grammer’s song wasn’t upbeat and snappy.
• Impressed with Andy Grammer’s blueberry-colored performance suit, undoubtedly inspired by Violet Beauregarde.
• Jealous when the topless JV male dancers in Santa hats surrounded Erin.
• Elated to see my new favorite JV dancer Jeremy!
• Skeeved that I could be his mother.
• No longer jealous of Erin’s Santa sandwich situation.
• Uninterested in watching Lindsay and Calvin’s Argentine Tango from earlier in the season.
• Embarrassed by Marsha Brady’s boy crazy ways.
• Elated by Tom and Erin’s “Behind the Scenes” footage.
• Puzzled why Maks had a spotlight dance with all the pro/JV women from Dancing with the Stars.
• Proud when Jenna took centerstage with Maks.
• Hopeful that Jenna will get her shot next season with at least a mid-level star.
• Memorized by her hot pink butt ruffle and rainbow sparkled leotard.
• Envious of Jenna’s long legs.
• Excited to see Val and Laurie’s “Dance Instructor” routine with Maks again.
• Bummed that there were hair and wardrobe malfunctions.
• Impressed that Laurie can totally hang with both Chmerkovskiy brothers.
• Scared to see Vanilla Ice on The Grove stage.
• Relieved that he sang “Ice Ice Baby.”
• Horrified that Rick Perry was going to sing when he took the stage with his boooyyyyyyy.
• Moved by the dance therapy at Children’s Hospital in L.A.
• Forever unmoved by the Christmas song “Grown-Up Christmas List.”
• Happy to see Jenna AGAIN dancing with Artem this time.
• Delighted to walk in a winter wonderland with Babyface.
• Nervous that the dancers would slip on all that fake snow.
• Concerned when a camera man actually did slip and fall on all that fake snow.
• Eager to see “all the boys” dance to Bruno Mars’ “24 Karat Magic.”
• Flummoxed when the boys wore silver instead of 24K gold-colored blazers.
• Composed when the JV boys bounded out in 24K gold-colored blazers.
• The opposite of surprised as Jana and Gleb revisited their shower routine.
• Completely uncomfortable as Marilu and Terra rocked around a Christmas tree.
• Completely content behind a couch cushion.
• Appreciative of Mandy Moore’s big, outside-of-the-box, inside-of-a-fake-TV, DWTS version of The Nutcracker.
• Annoyed by the, in my opinion, unnecessary “24 Hour Fusion Round.”
• Bored by James and Sharna’s Foxtrot/Viennese Waltz.
• Equally bored by Calvin and Lindsay’s Jive/Quickstep.
• Dazzled by Val and Laurie’s Argentine Tango/Foxtrot.
• Upset by the finalists’ hand waving back-and-forth during Jana’s solo before the winner was announced.
• Giddy when my roommate Lara said, “You guys are better than that.”
• Contemplative of Calvin’s third-place announcement.
• Saddened by James’ second-place announcement because his talent was unexpected and I loved that about him.
• Disappointed that Sharna didn’t get her first mirrorball trophy.
• Approving of Laurie’s Season 23 winner status because she is a good dancer.
• Pumped that the end of a Dancing with the Stars season means the beginning of another Bachelor season is only weeks away!
• Unclear about my feelings toward Nick.
• Firmly set on my distaste for guys in skinny jeans.