Dancing with the Stars Season 24 Recap:

We are back with a fun-loving, chaotic, everyone-is-having-a-ball-on-live-TV Dancing with the Stars opening scene flash mob choreographed by the one and only Mandy Moore to the tune of Whitney Houston’s iconic “Wanna Dance With Somebody!”

My how I’ve missed the sequins and glitter bombs.

It’s season 24, people. That’s a loooooooong time for Bruno and the gang to be whipping out numbered paddles to the cheers and angry shouts of former Dancing with the Stars contestants and other members of the ABC family in the audience. As always, Tom and Erin are in fine form and ready to try and keep this train on its rails.

Let’s run through the DWTS tropes for a minute to see if ABC has checked off its typical “star” roster qualifications:

• We’ve got the singer who will inevitably have to be on the road a few weeks of the year, forcing her professional partner to find abstract venues to practice in the middle of the night.
• We also have A TON of athletes this season. There’s an ice skater, a retired baseball catcher, a freelance football player, an Olympian gymnast, and a legit bull rider. (He gets extra points for wearing a cowboy hat.)
• There’s the reality angle with a recently-engaged bachelor and a real housewife of somewhere, a few pop culture icons from the eighties, and Chris Kattan who would love to be considered in that last category, thanks to his long stint on Saturday Night Live.
• Finally, we have a former Glee cast member who was a backup dancer for Beyoné. As in the real Beyoncé. But Julianne wants you to know that ballroom dancing is super different from normal dancing, so don’t hate on Glee Girl for being so good right off the bat. ALL’S FAIR IN LOVE AND DANCE, PEOPLE.

Let the record show that I believe this season is different. More than half of these dancers have actual rhythm. And many have big time potential to win the mirrorball trophy. Plus, there’s a cowboy.

I’m all in.

Val and Normani
Quickstep
“Good Time Good Life” by Erin Bowman
Normani is in the all-girl group called Fifth Harmony. She doesn’t seem to mind as much as I do that one of the Harmonies dropped out and, therefore, her group should technically be called Fourth Harmony. Details.

Normani is gorgeous. She also watches the show with her grandmother. Val and I find this adorable. She kills it right out of the gate, with an amazing routine in one of the hardest categories. And she did it wearing a lace bodysuit with a lace skirt. Normani isn’t lacking in the body department. Her legs could give Charo’s a run for their money. Val’s white pants were special, but I get that he had to match her lacy bottoms. His slicked hair makes me smile. Normani is going to be a dark horse behind other, more popular female competitors who happen to have gold medals or Beyoncé’s number in her phone.
Bruno’s Best Line: “She gave it to me. Crispy and crackly!”
SCORE: 27

Artem and Nancy
Viennese Waltz
“She’s Always a Woman” by Billy Joel
Giving Nancy Kerrigan a waltz on her first night in the ballroom was a smart move. It’s as if she was on ice floating around that floor. Her blue outfits was perfect and her lines were impeccable. I agree with Julianne that she needs to learn how to spot in her turns, but overall it was really pretty. At first I thought the roses that fell from the sky were a mistake. Surely they were meant for Nick? But I went with it and so did Nancy.
Bruno’s Best Line: “You were looking good. I was feeling good.”
SCORE: 28

Chris and Witney
Cha-Cha-Cha
“What Is Love” by Haddaway
Uuuuuuggggghhhhhh.

I had to get that out.

Witney bugs. I don’t know why, but she does. Every year she blinks like a child while her old guy partner tries to explain why she should be impressed with his celebrity status. She didn’t know Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Vanilla Ice. Now she claims to have never seen Saturday Night Live, which I find laughable. Her dumb blonde routine is slowly turning into annoying mean girl with an attitude. She needs to take a few tips from her bestie, Lindsay.

As you may suspect, Chris acted wacky his entire rehearsal. He tries really hard to get a laugh. The fact that they made him dance as his Night at the Roxbury character was a risk that did not pay off. Poor Chris may not make it past next week. And I’d be okay with that.
Bruno’s Best Line: “It was the perfect interpretation of the cha-cha-cha with a hangover.”
SCORE: 17

Sharna and Bonner
Cha-Cha-Cha
“Move” by Luke Bryan
Bonner is a champion bull rider who likes to go topless. He broke his neck a year ago and has decided to dance to show people that it’s important not to give up in life. He has immediate chemistry with Sharna, which all of the producers blatantly highlight. Taking a page from their sister show The Bachelor, I believe ABC is going to try and make a love connection here, even if it’s fake. Someone call the ABC Intern! We need roses, STAT!

Sharna wears denim panties during the cha-cha and puts Bonner in a denim pearl snap. I would have bet money that she was going to rip that thing open at the end. Nope. She’s saving it for week four or five when things get serious. Bonner pelvic thrusted all over the place, enough for me to hide behind my couch cushion. Bonner wasn’t necessarily the best, but he does have enough raw talent that Sharna will be able to whip into shape. I also feel that it’s important to report that Sharna and Bonner were the first pair to NOT end in a dramatic dip. I think they deserve extra points.
Bruno’s Best Line: “How can you resist a cowboy with a killer cowboy thrust? You are in for the ride of a lifetime.”
SCORE: 22

Charo and Keo
Salsa
“Cuban Pete” by Mambo Compañeros
I was watching the show with my friends Stephanie and Jess who are a solid decade younger than me. I felt old when I had to explain that Charo was a regular on The Love Boat. Then I felt really, really old when I had to explain The Love Boat.

Bless her coochie-coochie loving heart. Charo is so energetic and rambunctious. It’s borderline endearing and equally annoying. Thank goodness we have Tom Bergeron to keep her in line. Even if he has to LITERALLY body check her from approaching the judges’ bench. THIS IS A LIVE SHOW, PEOPLE!

The pair’s hot pink and bright yellow costumes were fun and appropriate. Charo is half plastic, but her 66-year-old legs are legit. She can dance for the most part, too!
Bruno’s Best Line: I have no clue. He spoke to her in Spanish.
SCORE: 21

Nick and Peta
Cha-Cha-Cha
“Let Me Love You” by DJ Snake (featuring Justin Bieber)
Nick told Peta that for once, he doesn’t have the pressure of not finding love. On this show, he just has to concentrate on not sucking. Watch out Mr. T!

Nick is pretty funny in rehearsals. I wish they had showed this side more on The Bachelor. More importantly, the boy can dance, which is no surprise to me, because the boy can also roller skate. As I suspected, his facial expressions (or lack thereof) will be his downfall. And Peta didn’t do him any favors by putting that weird jazz section in the middle. I also think something botched at the end, because their final power pose seemed off. Nevertheless, Vanessa cheered contractually obligated cheers from the audience!
Bruno’s Best Line: “Your chest is popping.” (Thanks to a fresh wax and spray tan…)
SCORE: 24

Maks and Heather
Viennese Waltz
“Make Something Beautiful” by Ben Rector
Maks is beside himself that he has a professional dancer as his partner. He warns Heather that she HAS to be perfect, because everyone is expecting her to be perfect. Guess what? She’s pretty much perfect. However, the judges know that they can’t praise her (out of fairness), so they make something up about how she needs to have more personality on the floor. She did win in the wardrobe department last night. Her yellow flower dress would make Belle jealous. The dance was dramatic, emotional, and full of beautiful twirls. I loved it.
Bruno’s Best Line: “The beauty and the beast. We are in for something magic.”
SCORE: 28

David and Lindsay
Quickstep
“Go, Cubs, Go” by Steve Goodman
David Ross was a catcher for the Chicago Cubs whose last official at bat was a home run in game seven of the World Series. (I think I just hear Simone put her medal away) He’s fun, willing, adorable, and has a family that is about as cute as you can imagine. I should also mention that the dude can dance!

David and Lindsay had the best set of the night. There was a huge Cubs sign in the back, a makeshift baseball field, and David wore a bedazzled Cubs uniform that was FANTASTIC. Lindsay wore a slutty version of the same outfit that she probably secured from the naughty section of a Party City in Chicago. It somehow worked.
Bruno’s Best Line: “You just quickstepped on the field of dreams!”
SCORE: 28

Gleb and Erika
Salsa
“XXPEN$IVE” by Erika Jayne

1. I’m not sure about this, but isn’t performing on Dancing with the Stars to your own song kind of like wearing the concert t-shirt to the concert?
2. I don’t watch the real housewives, but this lady is a tart. Do we like her? Is it weird that I sort of want them to win so she can give Gleb her Lamborghini like she promised she would?
3. Gleb had them start out with a fake unicorn on the stage. I wasn’t listening to the lyrics of her song and have no desire to Google them. Does her XXPEN$IVE taste include a desire to own a unicorn? Is her plan to ride it around when she gives Gleb her Lamborghini? I’m so confused.

Erika’s bleached weave was the star of the show. So was her diamond skirt. There was no time to notice Gleb’s man chest due to all the blinging and flinging going on. I think Erika can dance. I know she can do the splits. It was a little too raunchy for me. But that doesn’t really matter because Erika doesn’t care what I think. She’s fabulous. Everyone tells her so.
Bruno’s Best Line: “Double expensive and triple X-rated.”
SCORE: 24

Emma and Rashad
Cha-Cha-Cha
“24K Magic” by Bruno Mars
Rashad has a smile that could rival Calvin Johnson from last season’s cast. He has so much energy and life! He also said that he likes to pick up a new craft in the off season. I DO THE SAME THING! Although I don’t have an off season, I do learn a new skill every year. Ask me how my goal to solve a Rubik’s Cube is going. (Not well.)

Emma and Rashad light up the stage. His gold shoes are what dreams are made of. His facial expressions are perfect, and the dude has phenomenal footwork. They did dip at the end, but I’ll forgive them because the routine was so good.
Bruno’s Best Line: “ You were sparkling with star quality, cool as a cucumber.”
SCORE: 31

Kym and Mr. T
Cha-Cha-Cha
“The A-Team Theme”
Really? They made Mr. T dance to the “A-Team Theme?” Why not just roll a van out onto the dance floor.

Oh wait! There it is!

I knew things weren’t going to be good when a gaggle of JV dancers dressed in camouflage took to the stage with the 64-year-old pop icon. Kym did her best, but Mr. T became winded in the second eight count. The routine was the same military dance I did in drill team back in 1992. I was concerned that his neck was going to crack with all of those gold necklaces, but quickly deduced that they were probably hollow. PS: Loved his feather earrings. I wonder where I can get a pair?
Bruno’s Best Line: “You are still the king of bling.”
SCORE: 25

Sasha and Simone
Tango
“Untouchable” by Tritonal & Cash Cash
Simone is a natural. The only thing she doesn’t have going for her is that she hasn’t been this close to a boy before. Bless her. She is a bit uncomfortable being “all up in each other’s grills” but she’s an Olympian, darn it, and she will be professional. Pelvic thrusts here we come!

Although she claims to have no idea what she’s doing, she dominated the tango, even though it was set to annoying techno music. There were lots of twists and turns that were quick and sharp. Sadly, her outfit looked like it was made of draped sequined fabric with glue gun fixes here and there. Her talent helped me to overlook the fact that I could have pieced that costume together last minute. She will go far.
Bruno’s Best Line: “You are so deliciously lovely.”
SCORE: 32

What did you think about the Dancing with the Stars season 24 premiere? Who do you think will win? Do you have a favorite? Which contestant will probably go home next week? Sound off in the comments section!