Another big shout out to Blair. She approached me at church on Sunday as we were leaving asking if I was “Lincee who writes the recap.” I was excited to talk to someone about the upcoming episode, but somehow we lost each other and nothing was mentioned more than a hello. Blair…find me on Sunday. We’ll discuss. I’ll meet you by the popcorn counter. (We meet in a movie theater. My church is so hip.)

Thanks to the well wishes for the ginormous knee issues I’m experiencing. I have the sweetest strangers posting on my site!

And finally, can someone please tell me why “Defying Gravity” from the hit Broadway musical Wicked will NOT stop playing in my head? Sure I have dreams of flying high above an audience, my face painted green, and screaming to the top of my lungs that no one will ever bring me down, but I had dreams of being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader too. Look how that turned out.

The word you are looking for is…

Anyway…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

I absolutely loved last night’s episode. Our girls were in full force last night with tears, insecurities and back stabbing gossip. Isn’t this what we love about our beloved show?!? Can I get an AMEN!?!?

We begin with my favorite host Chris telling the girls they are on their way to Lake Tahoe! This excites the nine remaining girls and they scream at the top of their lungs! All except Bev that is. Bev is down. She has a bum ankle and will not get to show our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman that she is a cool guy’s girl who loves outdoors and snow. Cry me a river Bev.

The Lieutenant pulls the Delorean up next to the private jet. They fly to Lake Tahoe. They board a bus. Andy dances. Lincee blushes. Tina is self conscious. He takes them to their suite. They scream like little girls again. Baldwin tackles three girls onto one bed and asks if they’ve ever played steam roller. Psycho Stephanie proceeds to “steam roll” her way across three girls to land in the horizontal tango with Andy.

And this is just the first two minutes of the show! Nice!

GROUP DATE ONE
“Put on your party dresses and see who feels lucky!”
Punky/Nicole
Gymnast Stephanie
Dani
Bevin

The viewing audience is almost immediately taken to a closed door in which sweet innocent Tessa is doing her best to console the constant tears of Bevin. Poor Bev has only half an hour to get ready for her group date and is not capable of doing anything. Even the simplest of tasks are IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish while hobbling around on stupid crutches. What’s a 32-year-old…I mean…a 28-year old to do?

Take advantage of the nice girls of course! Amber irons her dress. Tess does her makeup. Tina does her hair.

Oh she’s milking it. Give her the entire cow.

Andy feels that Lake Tahoe is the most romantic location ever for a date. He uses this small fact to create an ice breaker for the four girls by asking them, “What’s the most romantic place for a date?” Punky has barely uttered the word, “Cabo” when Andy’s antenna zones in on Bev’s face. Something is wrong. He senses pain. The good Doctor must get to the bottom of this.

“I saw Bev’s wall of protection starting to crumble. I took her aside to see what was going on.”

Seriously. He said that.

Surprise, surprise, Bev takes this opportunity to fall on Andy’s shoulder and cry about all of the fun everyone is having and how she can’t do anything because of her stupid ankle. She wants him to know that she is a fun person and HATES that she is hurt.

Andy: “People get hurt in life. That’s what people are there for…relationships. If I were to get hurt, I know that people would come to my aid.”

Bev: “But it’s weird to me to have someone help me. I don’t get to show you who I am.”

Andy: “Do you feel the electricity when I touch you. Do you feel that? I want you to remain hopeful and stick with it.”

Seriously. You can’t make this up people.

The rest of the girls are beginning to feel a bit left out.

Dani: “He’s a sympathetic guy and she is working it.”
Punky: Throws out our first “f” bomb bleep. Classy!
Gymnast Steph: “I think they are making out.”

Indeed they were making out. Well. Sort of. Andy somewhat pecks with tight lips. Must have been the angle of the camera.

They return to dinner. Bevin comments on the jealous looks thrown her way and hopes that someone doesn’t stab her in the back. Then she adjusts her black mini dress due to the fact that her white girdle was exposed.

The group walks in a drill team line down the row of slot machines to Harrah’s Casino. Bev calls for a hard eight.

Lieutenant as he sips from his straw: “Was that a hard eight or heartache?”

He’s full of them tonight ladies and gentleman.

Before Bev can giggle and pretend blush, Lieutenant Baldwin’s radar picks up on an unhappy soul. Here we go again.

Andy: “Steph wasn’t herself. I decided to have some alone time with her to see what was plaguing her heart.”

Gym: “I’m just emotionally and physically drained. I don’t want you to think I’m overwhelmed…I’m just going to cry on your shoulder for a minute. It’s hard for me because I like to plan things.”

Andy: “ I want you to know that I think you are amazing. I hope I get to meet your family.”

Then Dani walks in to steal him away. Lord help me if this chick starts to cry.

Dani: “I like to see your vulnerability.”
Andy: “You are a very strong woman. I would expect nothing less from a north easterner. (huh?) The connection I feel with you is worth fighting for…you are the most genuine person I’ve ever met.”

Then they kiss. Well. Sort of. Another series of tight lip pecks. Must have been the lighting.

And now the moment they’ve all been waiting for. Who gets the special quality time with the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman?

After a brief swig from his straw and a very robotic discussion with the ladies, my boy picks Bev. He’s a doctor. It’s his nature to care about people.

It is at this point that I say out loud:

“He’s going to carry her to his suite. She’s conveniently forgotten her crutches.”

And he does. Bev doesn’t care that her Spanx are showing on national TV. Like a true man, he kicks open the hotel door and flings her on the sofa. They have a discussion about nerds and how he always won the science fair at high school. (Did anyone else notice how snotty our Lieutenant was during this conversation?)

Andy then tells Bev that he has always wanted to be an astronaut.

RANDOM SIDE TRACK
Last night I watched the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman with my dear friends Bob and Rebecca. Their dear friends Chris and Corina were also there to bask in the presence of our Lieutenant.

I’d like to take this time to point out that Bob, Chris and Corina work for NASA and Rebecca used to work there. You can imagine the anticipation we all felt when our beloved Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman started talking about his dream of being an astronaut.

I believe it was Chris who said, “I call BS. He’d never make it. There are no hot tubs on the space station.”

I never laughed so hard in my life.

Andy thinks Bev is real. Bev says she can’t NOT be real. We see her girdle again. Andy wants to know if he is in Hawaii in a year, where will she be. She answers Hawaii.

And then they kiss again. Well. Sort of.

Actually…I’m beginning to feel bad for the guy. I ask Bob his opinion on the kissing technique. No comment. Hmmmm. It must be the camera. Yeah. That’s it. Andy is scared of the camera and doesn’t want to really kiss her until later.

He takes her back to the girls’ suite. He says she is his sanctuary. She calls him romantic. They kiss like they are in 6th grade and the Lieutenant tells the camera that knowing that there is a woman like Bevin on this adventure makes him feel like there is going to be a happy ending.

GROUP DATE TWO
Psycho Steph
Tessa
Tina
Kate

Andy is excited about skiing in the outdoors. (As opposed to skiing in the indoors?)

Steph jumps him because it’s her birthday! And nothing else is ever said about it. Uh oh Steph. Red flags. Flying. Everywhere. Beware!

Kate has never been skiing before. She doesn’t see the appeal of something that is cold and wet. She hates snow.

Is anyone else LOVING Kate as much as me this episode?

Tess is a natural. She invites Andy to jump on the back of her skis. He digs this. She says there is friction in the air. Andy thinks it’s because everything is becoming real and emotions are soaring.

Andy: “I hope that you know I really feel a connection. I’m not just blowing smoke. I hope you stick with it.”

Tess: “I feel one too, but I have to be honest…it’s hard to be friends with people who feel strong connections with you too.”

Keep in mind that this whole conversation is peppered with sniffs and snot. I want to make sure you have a true visual…

Steph is not here to be in sorority house. She tells the camera that she would throw another girl under the bus. Would not hesitate.

Steph to Andy: “I know you want strong independent woman. I’m telling you that some of these girls can’t do that. They are too young and immature. Keep your eyes open. You are doing okay. I came into this and knew exactly what I was getting into. Most of these girls didn’t.”

Andy confesses to the camera: “It’s really hard to hear what Stephanie has to say. Jealously is a rampant beast. (Bob laughs) A lot of girls are annoyed. I’m trying to be a gentleman. The intense drama between the girls is beginning to annoy me. To hear that, gets under my skin. I’m trying to find a wife.”

To Psycho Steph’s dismay, Andy invites Kate to join him in a gondola ride up the mountain. This is when Kate decides that she probably won’t get a rose and she is gong to reek havoc on the girls. She proceeds to throw Amber and Psycho Steph under the bus. Andy appreciates her honesty and knows that she truly wants him to find love.

Bless Andy’s heart.

To no one’s surprise (in our little NASA group) the Lieutenant picks Tina for his super special alone time.

Tina: “I came here to see if we connect. It was never about me competing with someone else.”
Andy: “You are unique and sexy…not into playing games or back stabbing.”
Tina: “Thanks! I’m really, really trying! Are you high maintenance? The car…the yacht? Seriously? You can’t afford that?”
NASA group: LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY!
Andy: “You impress me with your questions. I think you are just what the doctor ordered.”
NASA group: Collective groan from all five of us.

Meanwhile, Psycho Steph is confused as to why Andy didn’t pick her for alone time. The last time they were together was the first solo date. She decides to reflect by the window.

Kate: “What are you doing?”
Psycho: “Crying about how beautiful the view is.”

Insert Jim Halpert face from Kate.

Classic. Absolutely classic. She must read this blog and did that for me.
Cyber high five my friend!

ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Then there is the dilemma about what to wear. Jeans? Heels? Hat? Scarf? Too dressy? Too casual? Where are we going? Outside? Inside?

Hey Amber? It’s Lincee. Look. No one cares. Give it up.

Andy arrives and takes her to a cozy cabin. She spots the rose immediately and turns into annoying girl. They begin an awkward conversation about rumors and intensions and what people have been telling him. It’s all very cryptic, but the smile that is usually plastered on our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman is mysteriously gone.

MAYDAYMAYDAYMAYDAYMAYDAY!
The ship is sinking Amber! Take immediate action!

So they go to the hot tub so she can make him forget about the rumors. The talk about how romantic Lake Tahoe is and how romantic the hotel is and how romantic the hot tub is and how romantic the champagne is.

Andy gets this goofy grin on his face and says, “I know something that will make it even more romantic.”

I kid you not reader…my first thought was that Andy was going to fart in the hot tub. And I would have laughed my butt off. Literally. WHERE WERE YOU ABC INTERN! THAT WOULD HAVE GONE DOWN IN BACHELOR HISTORY!

Instead, he runs and gets the rose. And they kiss. Well. Sort of.

RANDOM SIDE TRACK NUMBER TWO
My dear friend Caroline called me this morning to chat about the show. We visited about the obvious things and then she gets quiet.

“What is it?” I ask cautiously.
“Lincee…do you think he is a good kisser?”

Sadly, I answer no. But I do believe there is potential.

The thing about this conversation is that Caroline’s sweet husband Michael even noticed the Lieutenant’s lack of lip action. When a guy is commenting on how the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman is falling short of our expectations in the makeout department, it might be time to take action.

This is two years in a row ABC. I know Andy is not as bad as Renzy, but seriously…maybe there should be a coach on site? The potential is there.

I’m just saying.

BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY

Kate then throws Amber under the bus saying that she heard from
her best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend who heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Tina who said that Amber and Andy almost had s-e-x the other night and the relationship must be pretty serious. This makes Amber cry to Andy.

Kate then tells Bev that there are a couple of people who shouldn’t trust her.

Andy takes his drink with a straw out to the Pier One wicker patio furniture and has some alone time with Tess.

Tess: “Like a said before a thousand times…when I’m with you, I’m cool. But when I’m living with these psycho girls, it’s weird. For me it has to build. When I compare…I feel like I should leave.”

Andy: “Tessa…focus on this (points to heart) and forget the other girls. I know that we have a connection. Are you willing to get to know me more.”

Tess: “Just be open and honest. If you know what you want…I don’t want to get hurt.”

Why do I have the feeling that this chick is going to get hurt?

ROSE CEREMONY
Tessa
Bev: Carry it close, okay?
Dani
Tina
Stephanie Kansas

I have to say that Bob called it. He said early on that Psycho was out. I have to admit that I’m a little said that she’s gone. Kate too. There are only good girls left, so the next five weeks are going to be about hot tubs, sort of kissing and lots of zingy one-liners from our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.

Is it bad that I’m already bored? I hope ABC proves me wrong…

Lots of love and prayers to our Virginia Tech friends.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee