Just when you think you’ve figured out Listen To Your Heart, Our Host Chris Harrison comes in and does what he does best. He rattles cages. He pokes the beehive. He mixes thing up. 

And he smiles while doing it.

All couples are still riding high on their first performance. They all gather together to rehash the harmonious details from the night before. Most individuals are hard core pretending that they are vibing with their partner, even when they aren’t. That statement applies to three-fourths of the twelve participants. 

In my opinion, the only musicians who have a romantic connection to his or her significant “fabricated other” are Chris and Bri (duh), Jamie, and Rudi. Everyone else is in it to win it. 

Our Host wants to make sure that these people are committed to each other both musically and relationally. In order to make sure we don’t have another Bekah and Kid Danny situation in our midst, he announces that three couples will be going on dates, but not with the usual suspects. This revelation causes Julia’s plastered on smile to relax into something more realistic. 

Jamie and Ryan Mayer are paired together for a spa date. This wrinkle makes sense. Remember how Jamie was all hot and bothered when she first met RyMay on night one? Then she dumped him for Trevor the hottie? 

Never fear. Nothing happened other than the two lounging around in white robes promising to be BFFs forever. Jamie is too infatuated with Trevor to risk mugging down with Ryan on a massage table. And Ryan knows that Natascha’s voice is leaps and bounds better than Jamie’s. Both of their partnerships are stable.

Rudi and Chris are thrown together and all she wants to do is talk about how she’s nervous that certain women *cough NATASCHA cough* is going to get all up in Matt’s grill as he works out under the pergola. It’s a valid concern. The first thing teeny bikini-clad Natascha does is invite Matt and Trevor to sunbathe with her. Preferably without their shirts.

Chris is all about Bri. Rudi is all about Matt. They picnic on the other side of the valley and use binoculars to spy on their housemates. It was uneventful. 

And then there was Julia. 

Sherds is beside himself. He understands that Julia and Rolf have a spark. Julia makes sure to use careful phrases like, “I don’t imagine this changing” and “this will definitely bring clarity” in her pre-date pep talk with Sherds. Then she shimmies into the shortest skirt ever, matches it with a blouse displaying a plunging neckline, and bounces off with Rolf to write music at the Roxy. 

Sherds isn’t an idiot. He’s just hopeful. But he prepares his heart for the worst by crafting a song with lyrics begging Julia to come back. He laments about being the perpetual good guy and how girls always go after the bad boy. Sherds shakes his luscious curls and tells the camera, “It’s out of my control.”

Savannah, on the other hand, is as confident as a Netflix exec during social distancing. She and Rolf have shared two roses, a date, and a sultry performance. They couldn’t be more connected. Meanwhile, Julia tells the camera that if she feels something for Rolf (which she does), then it’s wrong not to pursue it. In fact, she’s doing herself a disservice if she doesn’t at least explore, right?

Julia is the worst. 

Rolf and Julia make out after performing their original song in front of singer/songwriter Joel Crouse who thinks they have a solid vibe. This gives Julia the clarity she needs to send Sherds to the curb. But first, she must continue sticking her tongue down Rolf’s throat. She declares to the camera that she wants to end up with Rolf. 

The heartbreaking part is that during Rolf and Julia’s “clarity” song, the other couples return back to the mansion, falling into the arms of their original partners. As the hours tick on, Sherds’ mood darkens. This leads the entire household to confess to the camera how Sherds is the best guy on the planet. The words “genuine, honest, amazing, and patient” were used to describe him. 

Poor Sherds.

Just as Jamie starts to give her big emotional speech about the wonder that is Sherds, Julia slinks in and asks for a private audience with her soon-to-be-dumped beau. The writing is on the wall. Jamie notices everyone else’s somber faces and begins to cry like it’s graduation and Sherds has just enlisted into the Army. SHE’S NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN!

Julia begins her breakup speech by curling her feet up onto the couch and whispering, “I’m sorry.” In a brilliant, strong, awesome moment, Sherds responds with a three-word response: “Sorry for what?”

I may have stood up. I was so proud of Sherds. I wanted him to make her say it. 

Julia: “I figured out what I needed to know.”
Sherds: “What did you figure out?”

Julia: “I can’t…”
Sherds: “Can’t what?”

Julia: “Why are you being so mean about this?”
Sherds: “I’m sorry. I had a rough day.”
Lincee: “DO NOT APOLOGIZE, SHERDS!”

Julia starts crying as I throw a handful of popcorn at the TV screen. Again, Julia is the worst. 

She eventually whispers, “I can’t do this with you.” Sherds nods his head, wishes her the best with Rolf, and gets up to leave. It’s at this time that Julia gets pissed, wondering how in the world he could just walk away from her?

JULIA IS THE FREAKING WORST.

Sherds: “What am I supposed to do? You just said you don’t think you can do this with me. I put myself out there and clearly, I’m not enough.” 
Julia: “I do care about you!”

Sherds laughs at that ridiculousness of it all. This causes Julia fly off the handle. How DARE Sherds laugh at her. 

This behavior makes me want to punch things. 

Sherds: “I’m laughing so I don’t cry.”

OH SNAP. Grab your journal, Sherds, because that’s a lyric if I’ve ever heard one. Maybe even a song title. Channel the pain, my friend. FEEL THE FEELS!

Sherds tells the others good-bye and everyone falls to pieces because Sherds is so great and Julia is so dumb. Set to the background of their greatest hits (read: the two times they sang together), of a happy Sherds and Julia morph into our favorite long-haired, Hawaiian shirt wearing folk artist attempting to hold it together in the back of the black rejection SUV.  

At first, I thought it was odd that no one seemed to do the math that if Julia stayed and Sherds left, that means that Savannah is probably out the door, too. Then I realized that Rolf doesn’t necessarily have to choose Julia if he thinks Savannah is the one for him. Which makes sense why Julia looks like a nervous wreck. 

Rolf leads Savannah to the upstairs boom boom room and fills Savannah in on the details. He pitches it in an interesting way: “Julia still as feelings for me. I may still have feelings for her.”

Then he waits to see how Savannah is going to react. 

She maintains composure for the most part. She tells Rolf that this is interesting news since she had no clue he was vacillating. Rolf responds by blaming Savannah for being only ninety-five-percent into this relationship that has existed for forty-eight-hours. There’s something missing. 

Savannah: “How am I supposed to feel right now?”
Rolf: “I don’t know, Sweetie. How do you want to feel?

Savannah: “CHOSEN.”
Rolf: “There’s an air about you right now. I don’t want to fight.”

Rolf is the worst. He and Julia deserve each other.

Savannah’s facial expression is priceless. We witness the light bulb flick on. Rolf is weak and he puts Savannah in a position where she either has to leave him or beg him to stay with her. She chooses to walk away, claiming she deserves so much more.

She retreats outside to cry and Rolf eventually tries to find her. He wants to know what he can do to “fix this.” Was it genuine? No. It was panic. I truly think he thought Savannah was going to fight for their relationship. He takes Savannah by the shoulders and explains that he has made a choice. And he chooses Savannah. 

Of course Savannah reminds him that he still has feelings for Julia. Rolf responds by saying that he has found closure.

I guess he stumbled upon that closure in the two minutes it took him to find Savannah crying in the courtyard, but whatever. 

Savannah isn’t having it and Rolf’s fuse shorts out. True colors, people. Witness the power of manipulation at its finest.

Rolf: “Can we talk like adults, Sweetie? I would love that. I’m here for you. I came to find you because I care about you. Is there any capacity in your heart to trust me?” 
Savannah: “No. I don’t trust you. I’m not going to be your second choice.”

Savannah leaves the jack wagon standing stupefied and wishes her friends good-bye. It was another Boyz II Men moment.

Jules and Rolf hug each other while Savannah cries in the rejection SUV. Rolf tells Julia he’s excited that he chose her (Chach) and is looking forward to moving forward together. 

The next morning, everyone stares blankly at Julia when she notifies them she feels relieved and settled in the house for the first time. She doesn’t understand why they don’t throw her a party. She also doesn’t notice the TEAM SHERDS buttons they are all wearing.

Harrison comes in to deliver the song choices for the musical extravaganza at the NOVO in downtown LA. All performers are excited about their selections, excluding Rolf and Julia. Since they were born in the nineties, they’ve never heard of Pat Benatar and her “We Belong” anthem. But that’s what you get when you ditch the Mr. Congeniality of the house. 

Rolf is in a mood. He struggles to memorize lyrics. And he also struggles with being a player. I’m not the only one who knows this. Natascha knows it, too. She flat out asks Rolf if he would have stayed with Savannah if she had stayed. Rolf nods his head in the affirmative. Jack. Wagon. 

Do you know what else this proves? Natascha is a master saboteur. These people are vicious!

Natascha chooses to tell Julia this breaking news a few hours before she goes on stage to perform her dumb old eighties ballad in front of hundreds of people. Julia thinks this is dirty, yet that doesn’t stop her from addressing Rolf. He claims he didn’t definitely answer “yes,” but his sweetie shouldn’t worry about anything other than nailing this song. 

Harrison trots out the celebrity guests. This week we have the legendary Toni Braxton, Andy Grammar, and Rachel Lindsay of “Rachel and Bryan” fame. Let’s break down the performances!

Rudi and Matt
“Tennessee Whiskey” by Chris Stapleton
I think out of respect for my Bachelor-related podcast cohort Some Guy In Austin, I should point out that “Tennessee Whiskey” was first recorded by David Allan Coe and made more famous by George Jones. Mark my words: SGIA will say something on the podcast. I’m calling it.

Anyway…

I think Rudi kills it. She looks good and sounds incredible. Matt was there, too. He’s just not that into her and we all need to accept it. Rudi needs to get on board from a show standpoint and not mess it up with her emotions and feelings. PULL IT TOGETHER, GIRL. FYI: They are my favorite couple. The judges love them, too.

Jamie and Trevor
“Like I’m Gonna Lose You” by Meghan Trainor and John Legend
Jamie is nervous. No surprise there. Trevor is doing what he can to assuage the waves of nausea, but he does not succeed. They don’t sound good. Jamie adds some strange choreography to project the angsty parts of the song. It does not work at all. The judges wholly recognize her nerves and try to give Jamie the benefit of the doubt. 

They also call Trevor out for being a bump on a log. I can confirm that he was less than entertaining. Perhaps he felt weird because he didn’t have his guitar? Whatever the case, it’s clear they were off and never got back on track.

Sadly, we have to watch Jamie cry her mascara onto Trev’s plain white tee in the middle of Chris and Bri’s entertaining performance. Uncool, ABC. 

Chris and Bri
“Lover” by Taylor Swift
As he does every week, Chris stares at Bri the entire time. He sounds phenomenal. Bri does a better job of engaging him and this causes all of the judges to swoon and sway. It was adorable. They are a solid match and probably the ones to beat. 

Harrison interviews Bri after and she admits that she whispered “I love you” to Chris, but he didn’t hear due to the crowd’s enthusiastic clapping. Chris smiles, confirming he didn’t hear it. He totally would have said it back. And later, he did. 

They are so cute it almost seems fake.

Jules and Rolf
“We Belong” by Pat Benatar
Jules’ solid white power suit dress matches her strict, business-like attitude. She turns on the smile, but gets nothing, NOTHING SHE SAYS, back from Rolf on stage. Both seem hella uncomfortable. Toni Braxton asks Bryan if he detects any chemistry. Her answer is a resounding NO. The song choice isn’t good. The performance is worse. And both know it. 

Rolf jumps into damage control, making sure that the judges know that they are a brand new couples. He wants the world to hear that it was the best decision to switch and he has no regrets. Julia remains silent. 

The judges are grateful that there’s a reason behind that awkward performance. Toni assumed they were in a fight, so she commends Julia and Rolf for “pushing through.” Ouch. 

Rolf knows that Hurricane Julia is about to be unleashed right there in the NOVA backstage hallway. She bemoans Rolf for abandoning her on stage and later accuses him of treating their performance like his own little solo. 

Then we get a few glorious moments of Julia wondering if she should have kept Sherds around instead of Rolf. OH HAPPY DAY!

Natascha and Ryan
“You Are the Best Thing” by Ray Lamontagne
Ryan starts out without an instrument and I’m all, “Wow! He can perform without a piano!” Then he picks up a guitar when he and Natascha start to roam the stage. Natascha has a big voice, big hair, and a big slit in her mustard-colored gown. They own the song and get all sexy at the end because Natascha has officially taught Ryan how to work it so they can win this thing with a little hard work, gumption, fake feelings, and sabotage. He dips her and kisses her at the end, which is well-received by the judges. They get a standing ovation. 

The ABC Intern asks all of the housemates to sit around in a tiny room as they wait for the rose ceremony. Things are tense, clearly. Julia announces to everyone that Natascha is vindictive. If she truly cared about Julia, she would have told her about Rolf’s sketchy behavior the day before. Natascha apologizes with a vague, “How you feel is how you feel.” 

Natascha’s work here is done.

Everyone traipses back onto the stage. Harrison is there to invite the lucky winners to randomly present each other with roses. Chris and Bri, along with Matt and Rudi are first and second. Natascha and Ryan follow and then we all hold our breath.

Jamie and Trevor are deemed the final “winners” and Julia tries to hold it together. 

When she and Rolf walk backstage, the only person to run into her arms for a hug is Jamie. She can’t handle the rejection, even if it isn’t her own. 

Julia goes on to blame Rolf for not “checking in” with her on stage. Then she curses the day Natascha was born. Obviously they are both to blame for Julia’s fate.

Somewhere in a shady bar on Sixth Street, Sherds raises a glass with his new lady love and gives a toast to dodged bullets.