My Thoughts on the Miss America Pageant
If you took two hours of your life to tune into the Miss America pageant, you probably noticed that two things were missing.
1. Chris Harrison as host
2. The swimsuit competition
That’s right, people. This ain’t your Mama’s Miss America from days of yore. This is Miss America 2.0. Bouncing boobs are forbidden. Exposed butt cheeks are a thing of the past. Cleavage has been replaced with pant suits of all things. And the contestants are speaking their minds.
What are they saying you ask? Well, a bunch of them want you to follow your dreams. Or be a leader. Others want you to know that liberal arts aren’t the be all end all. Then there’s the one girl from Michigan who, instead of touting her summa cum laude status from the University of Wherever with a degree in women’s studies, decided to take things political with her pageant-mandated eight second intro:
“From a state with 84-percent of the U.S. fresh water, but none for it’s residents to drink, I’m Miss Michigan Emily Sioma.”
Bold move, Em. I like it.
With the ripple effects of the #MeToo movement, Miss America is all about highlighting girl power. It was impossible not to catch that theme since every contestant worked it into her monologs that she is strong, smart, accomplished, diverse, and empowered. But just in case you are still in the dark, wondering why no one wants world peace anymore, the entire opening parade of states was underlined by your favorite girl power anthems.
Beyoncé wants you to know that girls run the world. Katy Perry warns that you’re gonna hear these women roar. Madonna will express herself all day long and since we currently aren’t in an Olympic season, “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman soundtrack is the theme music for the entire cast of characters.
Here are my thoughts on Miss America 2019:
- Big props to Miss Louisiana for not sing-songing her name in the opening number. She was the only one who spoke in a normal voice.
- Is the two arm wave a thing? Are we doing that now?
- Miss Nebraska wore a fuchsia sequined jumpsuit. And it worked. Someone please admit me right now. I need help. It’s the only explanation for me actually liking a hot pink bedazzled onesie.
- Miss Washington has the most realistic fake tears of them all.
- Miss Alabama is a little irritated that the swimsuit competition went away, but is quick to add that “change is good.” Something tells me that this girl worked hard on her buns of steel and is angry that no one gets to see them.
- Instead of a swimsuit portion of the competition, these unlucky girls have to answer each other’s questions. SNAP!
- Miss Nebraska asks Miss Connecticut about the talent portion of the competition and what the girls in the non-liberal arts programs are supposed to do? How can we “redefine talent?” Connecticut told Nebraska to think outside the box and be all she can be. Then she, a liberal arts major, danced an Irish jig for her talent, while Nebraska monologged about cancer.
- Miss Idaho had to be seven-feet-tall.
- Miss New York nailed her question about low self-esteem. To Nebraska’s dismay, she invited everyone to turn to the arts for comfort. Might I suggest this book?
- Sweet, darling Miss Florida. She would have won if this was the OG Miss America. She had all her cliches memorized and was able to pull them out in every scenario. “When women lead, we all succeed.”
- Of course, Too Tall McGee from Idaho gave Florida a run for her money: “Let us nourish the children of today to grow the leaders of tomorrow.”
- Three girls played the piano for their talent. They were all good. Alabama forgot the side of her dress. I’m not sure how it stayed put with all that arm movement.
- Three girls sang. One was okay, one was pitchy, and the last one was a decent opera singer. She’s also the current Miss America 2.0. Go New York!
- Miss Colorado recited an original poem to her younger self. I hid behind a couch cushion with my sister who was watching from another city. We both broke out into hives when she told us her tears were watering the garden.
- The girls had to answer the judges’ questions right up in the judges’ face. It was awkward.
- Miss Louisiana may have lost the crown, thanks to a remark she made about not wanting to be famous. HELLO! Miss America 2.0 is totally famous in a “Dancing with the Stars” sort of way. (Sorry Carrie Ann.)
- Speaking of Carrie Ann, she looks pregnant.
- Miss Massachusetts wore a red Murphy Brown pant suit for the judges’ interview. I felt sorry for her the entire time.
- Here goes Florida again: “I believe that set backs are a set up for a come back.” It’s a little clunky, but I’ll allow it.
- Miss Connecticut wants to invent an app that helps you walk through the signs of a stroke and what to do. The judges LOVED it but not enough for her to usurp New York for the sparkling crown. Congratulations on your runner up status.
- There’s no ladylike way to squat while the former Miss America pins a crown to your head. Miss New York came close. It was a minute long ordeal. My legs felt the burn for her.