Shalom friends! It’s good to be back in the ole U S of A. I had a fabulous time in Israel and really appreciate all the sweet comments of encouragement left on those posts. You guys are amazing and it still floors me that you invest interest in what I’m doing with my life over in this tiny corner of the world. For that…I thank you.

And I thank SOME GUY too! What a great job he did recapping the show. I never once was nervous, leaving this responsibility in his and my webMAN’s hands. In fact, I sort of forgot about Monday. I think I was eating falafel at a road-side restaurant/gas station or was gasping for breath at Masada. Regardless, my point is that I trust them both completely and knew you would be taken care of.

I arrived home around midnight on Monday. Fully expecting to sit and watch the show when I returned to my apartment, I opted to eat Taco Cabana and head to bed. I didn’t even shower. Gross…I know…since I had been on a plane for a million hours. But the exhaustion had finally hit me. Went to work yesterday and walked around like a zombie. Got home yesterday evening, ordered pizza and sat down to enjoy what several people told me was one of the best episodes in a long time. Bring on the crazy! I’m ready!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this amusing mockery and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos or have a Jazzercise instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I have to admit, I did not watch last week’s show. I just read SOME GUY’S recap. There are two things that immediately catch my attention:

1. Our Host Chris Harrison is calling the shack down the driveway, the outhouse. Love it.

2. DOJO got his hair cut. I know SG said that Soul Patch Ron probably brought his scissors and did a little trim-trim on all the boys, but the removal of DOJO’s mullet has GOT to be the best makeover this show has seen in its history. I can’t seem to not write down the words, “his hair is SO much better” in my notes. Night and day, dude. Night and day.

SING FOR THE MOMENT
Our Host drags the mansion boys, Chef Robert, Jason and ChicAHgo Fred down to the outhouse with the other boys. He explains that there is a one-on-one date up for grabs and the men will have to compete to earn the chance for alone time with DDAHnna. The game? Write and perform an original song in front of DDAHnna and the rest of the group. They have one hour to create their masterpiece.

Oye vey.

This was just torturous. I understand the pull to be competitive in this show, but these guys were awful. Jesse wanted to punch Chris Harrison in the tooth for suggesting such a challenge. DOJO would rather dig his own grave. Even though it would mess up his rockin’ new do. Graham begins writing a book and ChicAHgo Fred wonders if everyone is going to compose four verses and a refrain.

What?

Yo Chef. Put your collar down and take that cowboy hat off. You look ridiculous.

Bless Beefcake Brian’s heart. He tells the camera he enjoys writing and conveying his love to someone.

ChicAHgo Fred is up first. After uttering, “Oh…may…Gahd” to the camera, he asks the group to start a slow clap:

“The Bachelor season is here again
Deanna Pappas is searching for a husband
Putting her heart on the line
To find a man that’s funny and fine
She’s opening her heart and soul
If I see those pigtails I might lose control
Most important for D to get
Is that I’m here for her heart with no regrets”

Wow. We’ve really just gone there.

Graham says he would rather eat glass than sing, and opts for humor instead of melody. Chef Robert (put your collar down dude) tries a little country twang. Twilley, of course, performs a dramatic prose that lasted ten minutes. Jeremy raps. DOJO is beyond description, but his hair looks great. Jason talks like a robot. And Jesse gets down on one knee and does that weird half talk half sing number.

And then it’s Beefcake’s turn. Poor Beefcake.

He hoists all 300 pounds of himself on the pool table, takes a few cleansing breaths (in through the nose, out through the mouth) and begins talking about the house of his pain. Oh dear. Not good. He’s taking it so serious! I, however, am embarrassed and peek out from behind my couch pillow to see DDAHnna turning red too. STOP IT BEEFCAKE! The other guys are laughing at him and trying to stifle giggles with their hands. Beefcake has no clue and continues to turn his soliloquy into a light metal version of something Poison would play on their reunion tour. Alas…there was no air guitar.

DDAHnna decides to pick Jesse because he put himself out there and actually made contact with her by holding her hand. He later receives his date box and learns that they will be going to a fancy dinner. Poor Jesse feels awkward about something so formal and decides that he will just be himself and wear his jeans and “RELAX” t-shirt with florescent shoes.

DDAHnna has something else in mind and arranges for Hugo Boss to deliver a suit to his outhouse door. Hot Graham, sans shirt thank you Lord Jesus, retrieves the garment and delivers to Jesse. He looks as if he is going to throw up in this penguin getup, but presses on.

DDAHnna tells the camera that she wants to find out if Jesse is husband material. Meanwhile, Jeremy is teaching Jesse proper etiquette on how to button his jacket. “Never the bottom. Always the middle.”

The guys agree that Jess has never looked better and conclude that DDAHnna will probably be smoking hot as well. She enters the outhouse with a blue dress that accentuates her boobs and butt. The boys swoon.

They go to a theater that has a special message to Jesse on the marquee: “One Night Only…Just for you Jesse…Love Deanna.” He’s super impressed and intimidated at the same time. DD encourages him to take the stage and perform his song again. That’s just mean. Didn’t we do this four seasons ago on another Bachelor? And he dumped her after taking back the borrowed diamond necklace?

At dinner, DDAHnna is ready to get down to business and see what is beyond the fun side of Jesse. She asked if he cheated. He said no. She asked if he was stubborn. He said for sure. Then she was super polite in telling him that he’s not normally someone she is attracted to, but she thinks he is a real, cool dude.

Nice D. Want to go ahead and give him the “Let’s be friends” speech while you are at it? Geez.

Jesse toasts the relationship and basically asks in a nice way if he can have the rose. She gives it to him without hesitation and tells the camera that something inside grows stronger and stronger every time they talk. Then she asks if he will accept the rose in her best baby voice. He accepts.

The curtains rise behind them and there stands Natasha Bedingfield…love her. Sweet Jesse invites her to dance (swoon!) and tells the camera that it feels like she is the only woman in the world.

START YOUR ENGINES
Brian, Twilley, DOJO, Jeremy, Graham and Jason go on the group date with DDAHnna. They will be driving stock cars and DOJO, with his awesome hair, is stoked because he always races with his Kentucky buddies back home.

Brian is first. Bless his heart, he’s scared and tells the camera that he’s going to have to put his fears behind him and drive fast.

Couple of notches down the cool ladder my friend.

To make matters worse, he can’t seem to make the car go. Popping the clutch seems problematic and his sheer size makes maneuvering a challenge. But he tops out at a respectable 140 mph.

Jason is nervous around corners and only gets 138 mph.

Graham, who doesn’t even own a car, drives 136.

Jeremy is the lowest with 129 and complains to the pit crew that he knows he topped 150. He has to check his competitive attitude before DDAHnna finds out that he has control issues.

Twill admits that he gets motion sickness and is terrified of going over speed limit. Ironically, dude drives 140.59 and the look on DDAHnna’s face is priceless when she realizes he is in first place.

But DOJO drops the hammer and wins with a speed of 141. She pours champagne on his new cool hair (which looks good wet) and they go sit infield to discuss the irony of racing cars and the race for DDAHnna’s heart. DOJO admits that winning has boosted his confidence and tries to make some weird blue grass connection that no one else can share. Then he straight up tells her she is a redneck and she gives him the evil eye. He tries to back peddle, but she’s still not happy to be the butt of a “Here’s Your Sign” joke. To make matters worse, he decides to call her Baby for the remainder of the episode.

Back on the track, DDAHnna gets in the car and outdrives all of the boys with a speed of 141.6. The guys think that she is sexy and fearless. DOJO is in love.

Since it’s been five minutes since Jeremy talked to DD, he embraces his competitive spirit and whisks her away for some alone time on the buss. He is not going to sit back and let someone else take his spot. He tells her that he misses her and she assures him she thinks about him all the time.

Brian thinks Jeremy feels threatened because she’s getting to know everyone else too. Twill tells the story about the tortoise and the hare. I know. Random.

Graham steals her away from Jeremy. She admits to the camera that she is really attracted to him. Jason notices their close body language.

Right off the bat, DD is concerned for Graham and asks how he is doing. He says he is doing his best as the camera gets a tight shot of her scratching his arm hair. Then she asks, “You are going to kiss me, right?”

And home boy says that he doesn’t want to be “one of a bunch” who kisses her.

Words can not describe the anger that flashed through her eyes and the amount of blinks in less than 10 seconds. He mumbles on about being different from the rest and finally gets a clue that she is no longer scratching his arm and has taken a bit of a defensive pose with pursed lips and crossed arms. Genius asks if she’s mad.

D: “I’m not mad. I’m hurt.”
G: “Why?”
D: “Because.”
L: That’s mature.

G: “Well now you know what I’m feeling.”
D: “I KNOW EXCACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING AND HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS FOR ME. YOU CAN’T HOLD BACK. I DIDN’T. I’M DYING TO KISS YOU. YOU CAN’T BE LIKE THIS BECAUSE IT TAKES AWAY FROM OUR TIME TOGETHER.”

Graham looks dumbfounded. I can’t tell if this was some weird “does she like me?” strategy or not. DDAHnna tells the camera that it breaks her heart that he’s not putting himself out there.

DDAHnna returns to the group and decides to hand the rose to DOJO. It meant the world to him and he probably went home that night and pressed it between his collection of Muscle Car magazines. Man…his hair looks so much better.

Twill is worried about going home. If only.

Beefcake Brian admits that he feels like he’s on the outside looking in and wonders if DDAHnna will ever see him for who he truly is. Lincee wonders why there is a fork in his drink.

Back at the mansion, Chef and ChicAHgo Fred receive their date card that announces there will be a recipe for love the next night. Poor Fred is sulking because he’s pretty sure Chef is going to come out a winner on this date. Chef says that he will be smooth, rich and succulent with DDAHnna and it’s all going to come down to the kiss. He believes she won’t kiss both guys on the date, and the one she DOES kiss will get the rose.

But before we reach that date, which happened to be the most dramatic two-on-one in BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE history, let’s go down to the outhouse and see what the other boys are doing.

We begin with a simple statement from Jesse: “I’m tired of sitting around this place. We should throw a party.”

Let’s just go ahead and give kudos where kudos are due. Our poor ABC intern must have booked it down to the nearest Dollar Store and purchased all the necessities for a white trash outhouse party. Out of nowhere, we had plastic chairs, pin the tail on the donkey, makeshift washers made out of rocks and plastic cups, a blow up kiddie pool and coolers full of beer. They even find a dry erase board and invite the three mansion guys down for some fun in the sun.

DDAHnna answers the door and decides it’s best that they all put on clothes (dig to Chef who was in a towel) and go down to the outhouse. She brings a football with her.

The mansion boys are pretty ticked that they don’t have quality time with D. Put your collar down Chef. They are also irritated that the outhouse boys set a children’s table up for them for lunch. Calm and collected Chef chooses to hurl his red child chair into a near by bush.

DD said the party was weird and awkward from the start:
“Brian is content with the boys. DOJO is turning back to his old ways. Chef is brooding by himself, Graham is ignoring me and Twill is just being Twill in the corner. I’m so disappointed.”

She finally asks someone where Chef has wandered off to and is upset to learn that he is inside. OH NO HE ISN’T! She marches into the outhouse and demands to know why he’s being such a little wuss. He gives some lame story about how someone told him that she already has her top three picked out. She asks him to put his collar down. Then he admits that he’s getting emotionally attached and doesn’t want to go into tonight’s date with the mindset that he would get a rose.

DD grabs him by the ear and pulls him out into the front yard. Now she’s crying.

“I should be the happiest person in world and you all are breaking my heart. Do you feel good about that? I came down here to hang out. Stop twirling in the corner Twilley. If you don’t want to be here then go home. I know what you’ve all gone though. Brian, I know you are writing another song in your head right now. Please stop and just listen to me. I know what you feel. I’m trying to figure it out. If you can’t handle it…go home. Not speaking to just you Chef. Please, PLEASE put your collar down. I’m talking to everyone. I put 100 percent and try my hardest. This is not fair. You are hot Graham. Just kiss me already. I can’t promise the world and not make connections with other guys or kiss other people. When I’m with you, I’m focusing on you. Quit looking at me like I’m a piece of meat DOJO. I’m going to my house now. Stop following me Jason. You stay here and hang out with each other.

Jeremy gives all the boys a lecture and tells them they should be ashamed. Rob pulls his collar tighter around his neck, afraid for the date that night and Fred is confident that he will get a rose.

BYE, BYE, BYE
We find both Fred and Chef packing their suitcases, wondering who will be the lucky one to return to the mansion. Chef has graciously put his collar down, but insists on unbuttoning one too many buttons on the shirt. Pick your battles Lincee. He tells the camera that he’s bringing his “A” game to the table and Fred better beware.

The boys are going to dinner at a mansion in Hollywood hills. Right off the bat when DDAH offers the pair a glass of wine, I can tell that there’s something wrong with this picture. No…it’s not the fact that she had on a gold mesh off-the-shoulder Flashdance shirt. Something else was in the air.

DDAHnna fills the awkward silence at dinner with a simple question. What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a girl?

Chef: “I flew my ex-fiancé to Vegas. We got in a helicopter and watched the sunset on the strip. I then pulled my collar up and showed her all the sights and took her to my favorite hotel where I arranged for five bags of rose petals to be sprinkled on the floor leading to the bed. I’m a love machine you see, so we spent the rest of the night there. It took me six and a half months to pay that off.”

Fred: “I planned a surprise getaway to Lake Geneva. We just talked. My collar was down the whole time.”

The Chef steals DDAHnna away for some alone time. In his world, that means revving up the love machine. He straight up tells her that passion can be felt on the first kiss. She gives him a blank stare. He asks if he can kiss her. She insists he plant one on her cheek.

I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. Oh how sad. On national TV too. Ouch. That’s got to hurt. Maybe his mojo is thrown because his collar is down.

DDAHnna asks him how he deals with problems in relationships. He tells her that he talks about them as he unbuttons another button on his shirt. She says that his story is unlikely since earlier in that day she had to come find him and inquire what was wrong. In fact…she had to drag it out of him.

Chef misinterprets this for affection and tells the camera that there is a definite connection between the two that is palpable. They both feel it. In fact, if you looked up rose in the dictionary, you’d see his picture. With the collar up of course.

Later, Fred and DD squish onto a tiny lounge chair out back and talk about how they like being around each other and how he’s fighting for her. She says he is sweet.

Aaannnnnnd there it is. I knew at this point both dudes were toast.

DDAHnna tells the boys that she is going through her own personal struggle because they are both amazing guys even though the Chef wears his collar up. It was a very difficult decision, but she was going to have to send Chef home. She walks him out and says it’s not him…it’s his collar.

The Chef is destroyed. Or maybe he’s just drunk and it’s the bourbon talking. He tells the ABC psychotherapist in the back seat that he is not used to rejection. He embraces this lesson in humility (don’t we all?) but is adamant to let the world know that he still holds the recipe for love. One cup of cockiness, a pinch of salt and a fifth of Jack Daniels should do the trick. As he sits in silence, he brilliantly moves his head to reveal a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Back inside, DDAHnna is mustering up the courage to dump ChicAHgo Fred as well. She says that he is amazing and has a big heart. But she just doesn’t see forever. She doesn’t want to lead him on because he is too good for that. Sweet Fred bids her adieu and wishes her happiness in her journey.

Back at the mansion, the boys see that random dude in black has gathered Chef’s things. They high five each other, proud of themselves that they guessed correctly when they said Fred would get the rose.

Jesse: “Dude! Home boy’s coming back!”

They stand in awe as the man in black with the sweet goatee returns for Fred’s things.

DD is sad because Fred is good person. She’s feeling a bit blue as she walks into the mans. And there’s Jason to comfort her. He insists she goes upstairs to put on something more comfortable and says that he will be poolside with a bottle of wine if she wants to talk about it.

And of course she does. She’s a girl.

They talk, snuggle and make out. Well played Jason. You lucky dog.

ROSE CEREMONY
The next night, Jason picks DDAHnna up for the cocktail party and kisses her square on the lips when she opens her bedroom door. Very intimate.

Jeremy immediately whisks her away and tells her that seeing her upset was torture for him. He apologizes at how the day turned from fun to disastrous and blames all the other boys for making her cry. DDAHnna says she never blamed him and thanks him for putting forth the effort to get to know her better.

It’s Beefcake’s turn next. He holds her hands in a death grip and babbles on about how he is going to get married once. She talks about how she is never going to sleep mad. Not really on the same page here guys.

Twill rambles on about how he is scared and doesn’t know if she sees the real him. Same song, different verse man. She says that if there was not a connection, she would have already sent him home. Nice editing, because I seen nothing more than a goofy guy with his eyes closed half the time.

During Graham’s time, he decides to do everything opposite he did at the race track and asks HER to talk to him. She remains hurt by their conversation and he apologizes. He hopes that she knows how much pain it caused him to see her cry. She says she doesn’t want to be confused as to why he is here. He says simply, “I’m here for you.” DDAHnna begins planning their wedding as they passionately kiss.

In the most unorthodox of all rose ceremonies, DDAHnna decides to break the formal rules and encourages everyone to go get their swim trunks for some fun. Everyone does cannonballs in the pool and plays chicken, fighting to see which head DDAHnna will straddle. Sounds way dirtier than I meant it.

They all squish into the hot tub when Our Host Christ Harrison shows up in his fancy suit and clinks his wine glass. Ironically, he makes them all change back into their suits and DDAHnna is rushed back to hair and makeup before handing out roses. Was this necessary ABC? How funny would it have been to come with towels wrapped around their heads? Missed opportunity for some comic relief. But this is serious stuff. Someone’s future is on the line!

Jesse and DOJO already have their roses. Others are handed out to Jason, Jeremy and Twilley. Say it with me people…what the crap? She gives Graham a warning by issuing him the last rose and then waves goodbye to Beefcake. Didn’t even walk him out to the limo.

Next week we see a lot of making out going on in hot tubs and hammocks. And poor Twilley just needs to be put out of his misery. Am I right readers?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee