So there I was on Continental flight 822 from Colombia. We had just landed and I, under strict orders from those in my immediate family, called to say I was back in Houston the minute the plane touched the runway. My Mom and sister Jamie are both teachers, so I left voice messages for them. My Dad, who never answers his cell phone, greeted me with a booming, “HOLA!” when I dialed his number.

Lincee: “Hey Daddy. I’m back!”
Daddy: “Did you call your mother?”

Lincee: “Yes. Left a voice message.”
Daddy: “Good. She wants to hear from you. Apparently there was a meltdown.”

Lincee: (shocked) “What? Who had a meltdown? Is everything okay?”
Daddy: “I don’t know…I don’t watch that show.”

Lincee: “Show?”
Daddy: “Yeah. Your show. Some girl freaked out and it’s all everybody is talking about on your recap. Oh…and Marie Osmond fainted on that other show that comes on before The Bachelor.”

It’s good to be home people.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

I was in my Bogotá hotel room, trying miserably to convince myself that the mattress I was laying on was NOT made of pure concrete, when my cell phone gives a familiar ring.

Text message from friend Kristin:
“I’ve got to tell you your favorite host Chris is wearing a very unfortunate shirt on the Bachelor tonight.”

Indeed. He looked like an 80-year-old man who had just returned from a week-long cruise in the Caribbean. Tommy Bahama gathers the girls together to explain that two will be going home and four will have opportunity to take Brad on hometown dates.

One-on-One Date
Bettina
“Join me for a romantic evening on the water.”

Crazy Hillary opens the first date box and announces Bettina’s name through gritted teeth. They rifle through the random crap that the ABC intern frantically tossed in a box to discover that Brad is taking Bettina on a gondola ride.

Kristy: “You know what you are supposed to do under bridges, don’t you?”
Bettina: “No…”
Kristy: “You are supposed to kiss him.”

Poor Kristy. Get your head in the game.

Jenni giggles, Hillary attempts to stop Kristy’s heart by using only her brain power and DDAHnna tells the camera that Bettina has the “mystery thing going on…and it’s working.”

Bradley thinks Bettina has all the potential in world to be that girl he’s looking for, but he wants to see if she can relax and be herself. She confides in him that as more time goes on, she is getting comfortable. She thanks him for his patience and tells him that she has so much faith in him. He makes it easier for her.

It is at this point that I’m uninterested in the conversation and find myself loving the fact that Brad is sitting Indian style on the blanket. Why this is attractive to me, I don’t know. I’m just bored with Bettina and wonder, as the other girls do, about her intentions. She’s off to me.

Brad takes this opportunity to ask Bettina about her past. She admits that she is not proud of the fact that she is divorced but could not go through life being unsatisfied. She wants to be completely in love.

Brad finds this endearing and tells her all he wants to do is hug her. He thinks she is “drop dead gorgeous” and so many things about her are perfect.

Cut to the gondola. I’m cracking up because I can imagine this “river” they are on is in a fancy shopping center somewhere. Sort of like the Venetian in Las Vegas. Bettina is awkward and talks about being nervous.

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOUR NERVOUS ABOUT BETTINA! HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKISHLY HOT GUY YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO? DID YOU NOTICE THE BRIDGE YOU JUST FLOATED UNDER?

Such a waste of a perfectly good date.

Brad is pretty good with the context clues and starts a conversation about how he wants to move things slowly and gives her kudos for trying to open up. He falls all over himself letting her know that it is okay for her to take her time and wants her to talk when she is ready.

And like a nine-year-old, she quickly gives him a peck on the cheek and shows no body language of him getting to first base.

Group date
Jenni
Hillary
DDAHnna
Kristy
“Come to my house for a pool party.”

WHOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!! The scream that could be heard for miles. It didn’t dawn on me, other than the fact that she’s from Crazy Town, why Hillary was making such a huge deal about this date. We find out later that she is the only one who hasn’t seen our Bachelor without a shirt.

I guess there is reason to celebrate. I’ll erase one crazy mark by her name.

Right of the bat, we learn that Kristy is not a pool person.

AAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDD there you have it. Bye, bye Kristy.

As if the footage was straight out of the MTV Spring Break Beach House, we see girls cart wheeling of the side of the pool. (Kristy sitting casually on the lounge chairs.) Girls doing cannonballs into the deep end. (Kristy dipping a perfectly manicured toe in the water to check the temperature.) Girls playing chicken with Brad. Hillary announcing to the camera that “Brad is between my legs!” (Kristy finding sanctuary under an umbrella as not to taint her alabaster skin.) And who could forget the underwater crotch shot scenes? Simply classic!

And then…there was the slip-n-slide. The Wet Banana if you will.

Does this not have ABC intern written all over it?

Why Bachelorettes? Why? Why would you fling yourself onto a skinny little piece of yellow plastic with tiny trickles of water scantily spraying the length the apparatus? We’ve all been on a slip-n-slide. They never…ever…work. Most of the time, you forget that there is GROUND underneath the devil toy and your brain somehow thinks that the Wet Banana is going to cushion your fall like a pillow. Wrong. And if you manage to get a good slide in, there are typically two outcomes: you slide a few feet and hit a dry spot that results in a raspberry burn or you are flung off the side and greeted to a mouthful of freshly cut grass that sticks to every part of your body.

I’m just saying.

Hillary flings with reckless abandonment.
DDAHnna gets a wedgie.
Jenni does flip flops down the slip-n-slide.
Kristy brushes her hair in the air conditioning.

Hillary steals some time with Brad and they chill on a big float in the deep end of the pool. Let’s listen in on their conversation:

Hill: I think you are an awesome guy.
Brad: I think you are an amazing person.
Hill: Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever?
Brad: I think you are sweet and sincere and I’m so comfortable with you.
Hill: We should be lovers.
Brad: We can’t do that.
Hill: We should be lovers. And that’s a fact.

Brad to the camera: I wonder if this is just a friendship and not romance.
Hillary to camera: I can tell that we have chemistry. It makes me happy that he is comfortable with me.

It is what happens next that we can for sure, 100%, without a doubt, unmistakably confirm that our gal Hillary is officially off her rocker. Remember, she’s just told the ABC psychotherapist that the chemistry between she and Brad is palpable. She can feel it in the air.

She then goes into pretty graphic detail of all the other things she’d like to feel.

Hillary: I would let Brad ravish me any time. I would want him to BEEP my BEEP and then I would BEEP while he BEEP on the BEEP. After we BEEP, I would show him my BEEP and BEEP with a BEEP so we could BEEP on the BEEP for BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. I’m trying to think of something G-Rated to say.

Not needed Hillary. We get the picture. Literally.

Unfortunately for him, Brad was not around to hear that Hill was going to BEEP his BEEP the first chance she got. He had taken DDAHnna over to some random chairs out by the pool. They sit awkwardly and talk about how they think about each other. It was obvious to the viewing audience that Brad wanted to at least kiss DDAH, but he chickens out after sneaking a look behind his shoulder to find Jenni practicing her toe touching, Kristy balancing a book on her head and Hillary waving to him like a complete fool.

On the other hand, my boy takes Jenni to a secluded hammock to make out for 15 minutes. Interesting.

One-on-One Date
Sheena
“Treasures await you.”

Brad tells the camera that spending time with Sheena is important because his brother thinks she is the bomb. He picks her up in some flip flops and jeans and tells her that there will be surprises all night long.

Surprise 1
Six gowns from which to choose. Sheena says she’s drawn to the white one, but will wait to wear that later. Wink, wink! (Blech.) Brad sends her up the stairs to try one on and is chomping at the bit to see her in the dress. You see reader, Brad is a romantic person. He loves the fairy tale ending. He sees her coming down the stairs and can’t wait to embrace her with his loving…

Surprise 2
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM…
Sheena bites the dust. Brad laughs…in a polite way. Lincee watched it six times.

Surprise 3
Sheena limps onto the veranda full of white balloons. They hug and sway. It’s like walking on clouds.

Surprise 4
He gives her a pair of diamond earrings before dinner because he just can’t wait. He loves surprises. And I love him, but that’s neither here nor there. Brad asks why Sheena is still single. She says it’s because she is picky. Brad starts talking about Chad again. Red flag. He then tells the camera that she is solid, beautiful and would make an amazing wife.

Surprise 5
Small orchestra is around the corner by the pool, playing soft music.
Brad: Would you care to dance?
Sheena: I would love to. You are a great dancer.
Brad: You are a beautiful woman. I love how you always smile.
Sheena: How could I not.

Perfect kiss.

Back at the Bachelorette pad, Jenni and Bettina are up waiting for Sheena to get back from her date. She flaunts the earrings and goes into long-winded detail of each surprise. Bettina said compared to Sheena, her date sucked and announces she is going to bed.

BEST TEASER OF THE NIGHT:
“Up next…the most shocking rose ceremony ever…when Hillary loses her mind.”
I heart our host Chris Harrison. Even with his Tommy Bahamas shirt.

I hit the FF button on my DVR and notice there is TONS of time remaining. Twenty-four minutes left for the infamous meltdown! Sweetness!

Hotter than crap Brad tells the camera:
“For lack of a better word, I’m kind of freaking out tonight.”
Don’t you just love that?

Anyway…

I’m sure he’s freaking out. He’s worried that Hill is going to boil his bunny. He decides to take a moment with all the candidates to make it look like he’s having a hard time making a decision.

Alone time with Kristy:
Oops. Ended up on the cutting room floor. Too boring.

Alone time with Sheena:
Bless her heart Sheena. She wrote a poem. And this is not made up. It’s word-for-word what she actually said to hotter than crap Bachelor Brad.

I love your laugh, your smile your touch
The moles that run up your arm
The patch of blond hair on your ears
Your goals and most of all your charm

She wrote a poem about his moles. His moles. How Brad did not laugh at that second line is beyond me. Sheena, Sheena, Sheena. At least call them freckles. Mole is so gross. And the patch of hair on his ear? Why is this the SECOND time we are hearing about this patch of hair? And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that sort of an insult? Who wants to hear that they have hair growing out of their ears?

I bet you didn’t know that he wrote her a poem too did you?

I love your face, your teeth your grin
The long hair that grows on your chin
That gunk that gets caught in your eyes
Those little dimples on your thighs

Alone time with DDAHnna:
Brad: You look beautiful.
DDAH: My butt looks good too.
Brad: Don’t get me started on your butt.
Lincee: Well played my friend.

Brad asks DDAH if her feelings are real. She talks about not wanting to get hurt and how her heart pounds when she sees him. But she embraces this feeling. They talk about their one-on-one time and she reminds him that she is not going to kiss with other girls around. Brad points out that there are no girls around at that moment and they kiss. Well played AGAIN my friend.

Back inside, Jenni confronts Bettina about something that has been bothering her.

Jenn: You said last night that you weren’t happy with your date.
Bett: You mean when I said mine sucked?
Jenn: blank stare
Bett: I was joking. I meant it sucked in a good way. You misunderstood.

Alone time with Bettina:
Brad: Don’t you think our date was perfect?
Bett: I think so also. I felt relaxed and comfortable. I know I’m not comfortable being intimate…I know it will be fabulous one day…but by the end of date I wanted your hands on me. This is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.
Brad: That sucks. But in a good way.
Bett: You totally get me.

Before his alone time with Hillary, Brad reminds the camera that he sort of tried to give Hillary clues that he is just not that in to her. He admits that she didn’t get it and he needs to be honest with her during this time.

Brad: I feel so comfortable with you.
Hill: It’s good to be total BFFs.
Brad: That’s nice, but I’m afraid that we need to be more than that and I just don’t see us going there. That’s what is so confusing. Do you follow me?
Hill: Absolutely.
Brad: (looking shocked) How you holding up? You okay?
Hill: Yes. We have chemistry and I want you to be my lover, husband and BEEP until we BEEP the BEEP.

Brad motions for the ABC intern and tells him to have the psychotherapist on hand. This is not going to go well at all.

After handing roses to DDAHnna, Jenni, Sheena and Bettina, the camera gets a close shot of Jenni rubbing Hillary’s back as she rolls her eyes as far back in her head as they can go.

All the girls hug like they are old friends. Kristy bows out gracefully of course. We never hear from her again. Hillary makes the lone walk up to Brad and embraces him in a huge death grip…eyes closes…unwilling to let go.

After much prying, the intern and psychotherapist lead her to the courtyard. The tears are flowing wilding now. She wipes the running mascara on her white dress. She leans over and begins to hyperventilate. WE NEED A BROWN PAPER BAG! CAN WE GET A BROWN PAPER BAG!?!

Our Host Chris Harrison comes to the rescue with a brown paper bag and secretly giggles to himself, so happy that Lincee will have some good writing material this season.

Back inside, we find Brad pacing in front of the four remaining girls. He’s snapping his fingers. He’s pacing. He’s snapping. ABC intern gives everyone toasting champagne and Brad hands his over to Sheena. He must go outside and tend to Hillary. After all, they are BFF and he’s concerned.

He approaches the raccoon faced girl, snot pouring out of her nose, curls falling listlessly out of their Quinceañera bun and tells her to “come here to me.”

Hillary: I (gasp) don’t understand. Why are you BEEP sending me home?
Brad: I’m scared to take a step as big as meeting your family when we are too good friends.
Hillary: It sucks (sniff) and I’m falling for you (gasp) and I’m going home without you in my BEEP arms. I wanted you to meet family. I wanted you to (snort) shake my Dad’s hand. BEEP! I can’t force (gasp) you to feel something.
Brad: I think you are one in a million.

I would agree with that Brad.

Poor Hillary is upset that she is going to be known as “the friend” on the show. Yes Hillary. That’s what we are all thinking right now. You will be remembered as “the friend” from the Hotter than Crap Brad season.

So here’s to the most dramatic exit in Bachelor history, to meeting the families next week and to more footage of the Bachelorettes jumping naked in the pool! (Did everyone see that at the end?)

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee