I’m going to kick this Bachelor recap off with a very bold statement—I have been thoroughly entertained this entire season. Truly! Yes, The Farmer may be a nice, good old boy who doesn’t necessarily excel in front of the camera, but what he lacks in pizzaz, his potential wives make up for in drama. Couple that with Fleiss’ propensity to shake up the typical episode flow we’ve all but memorized after 19 seasons of “reality,” and I end up clenching my butt and literally yelling at the television on multiple occasions.

Say what you want, people. That’s just good TV right there. And last night was no exception.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone you liked on Instagram happen to personally know, sort of know, is friends with the twerking instructor who is obsessed with the fictional life of Jamie and Claire Fraser like me and looks exactly like one of the contestants on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

One-On-One
Becca
Due to Becca’s dark horse status, you probably forgot that we didn’t see her one-on-one date on Sunday night. I appreciate the producers decision to bump Becca’s date to hour four in lieu of a full, 20-minute helping of Britt’s meltdown. Sadly, Becca’s date didn’t produce any information we didn’t already know, so I will beta cap that business for the sake of time.

Santa Fe turquoise jewelry wearing, “I live in a tiny town” discussing, “Sorry we haven’t been to fancy places” apologizing, Becca moves slowly confessing, vulnerable side showing, The Farmer thigh grabbing, family time anticipating, roof climbing, sunset watching, silhouette kissing.

Pre Cocktail Party
Jade and Whitney huddle around Carly and Kaitlyn so Carly can perform the One Act Play she’s written, detailing each of Britt’s eye rolls, hair tosses, pursed lips, and inappropriate “I’m number one” memes from the night before. Britt bounces into the room, flops down on the couch and announces that she has packed her stuff and is leaving before the rose ceremony. She doesn’t feel like introducing her dad to a man who handed the rose to the girl sitting next to her, nohardfeelingsloveyouKaitlyn.

Carly untucks her shirt from her bra (makeshift crop top), stares at Britt’s hot pink lips, and flat out tells her that she doesn’t believe she’s leaving. I may have stood up and saluted her. Jade begins to try and talk Britt out of her decision. It’s all Carly can do not to coldcock Jade with her “Diary of a Meltdown” script. Britt waivers back and forth, claiming that there’s “probably” nothing he could say to make her change her mind. Everyone knows winners have only two rules in life: 1. Never give out all the information.

Britt hops up off the couch and skips into the next room to reapply. Kaitlyn is the one who hits the nail on the head: Britt wants The Farmer to fight for her to stay. And if he doesn’t, she’s going to conveniently leave him first.

Cocktail Party
Carly’s electric blue dress was special. It’s rare when the bottom end of your plunging neckline almost reaches the peak of the split in your hemline. It was a feat of engineering that should be applauded for staying on. I’m confident someone saw her panties. There’s just no way around that one. Moving on.

The ladies line up along the edge of the carpet. The Farmer walks in and begins to recite a beautiful speech about finding love, and right reasons, and amazing journeys through the square states. You can tell he’s a little miffed when Britt interrupts the first time he’s actually sounded eloquent on this show. All she needs is two seconds.

She pulls him into the next room and apologizes for being overcome with emotion. Smart move. Then she gives him permission to speak. Bold move. The Farmer tells her that there were other girls in the house who questioned her honesty. Honest move. Britt begins to backpedal before demanding to know if it was Carly who started the rumor? Catty move. As The Farmer tries to explain, Britt constantly interrupts him. ANNOYING MOVE. The exchange ends with The Farmer’s voice rising, assuring Britt that her behavior is not a character trait he wants in a wife. Then he offers to walk her out.

Britt really turns on the waterworks, since she has some time to spare in front of the camera before they shove her in the rejection limo. Obviously, this footage will be ideal both for her actress reel and her audition tape to be the next bachelorette. She will inevitably play the “I was sabotaged” card on Women Tell All. She and Kelsey will start a club.

After all that, The Farmer sends Carly home. If anyone has a chance of dethroning Britt as the reigning top bachelorette candidate, it’s this chick.

Home Town Date #1
Becca

Once again, most of Becca’s date ended on the editing room floor. Fortunately, her modern-day take on Red Riding Hood’s cape made for an interesting wardrobe choice. Not only were the shoulders missing from this blouse, but so was her bra. That’s how they roll in the Louisiana swamp.

Becca’s family seemed nice enough at first, until each and every single one commented that Becca had never brought a boy home, nor had she ever touched one in her life. Instead of encouraging The Farmer that he looked like he made their loved one happy, they all agreed that this was weird. Becca’s sister has no idea how Becca will handle being a virgin in the fantasy suite. Becca simply tells her she plans on remaining a virgin after the fantasy suite. This blows her sister’s mind.

Meanwhile, Becca’s mom has no idea how to handle boyfriends, since there has never been one to visit, so she goes the tried and true route: she threatens to cut him if he breaks her baby’s heart.

Geez. Be cool, Becca’s family.

The Farmer takes Becca to the Louisiana State Farm to makeout on the Ferris wheel. We don’t know if they were able to score a fried Twinkie. Regardless, Becca says that she will look back on this day and know that what she’s currently feeling can only be described as love.

Home Town Date #2
Whitney

Whitney, wearing a navy coat with a popped collar, greets our bachelor near her work. Instead of showing him Chicago, she wants to make a baby! *WINK*

The Farmer totally forgot that she’s a fertility nurse, but soon finds his way back into the conversation and joins her in a pair of scrubs to watch an egg be implanted by a sperm. Ta-da! Now you try it!

Wait, what?

Whitney and her random fertility nurse friend escort The Farmer into a little room where Jade’s Playboy lies in the corner. They instruct him to make a donation in a cup so they can test his sperm. The joke goes on just a smidgen too long, and The Farmer and I find ourselves on the verge of waiting at the struggle bus stop. Whitney finally admits she’s kidding and then kisses him in the donation room. Gross.

Time to meet the family!

The Farmer stops Whitney shy of entering the house. Since her mom has died, he wants to know who should be the family member to give their marriage blessing? Whitney doesn’t realize that this is protocol for all four dates, and assumes that a ring will be on her finger within a matter of days. She blurts out, “MY SISTER” and then begins picking china patterns in her head.

After dinner, Whitney warns her sister that The Farmer is going to ask her permission to marry Whitney, and she needs to know that this is real, and she wants this man to be her husband. The sister reminds Whitney that this dude lives in a tiny town in Iowa. Has she really thought this through? It’s been five seconds.

Whitney: At the end of this process, there is a proposal.
Sister: There doesn’t have to be.
Whitney: I WANT THERE TO BE ONE. What you say when you talk to him…
Sister: Don’t put that on me. I don’t think that it’s fair when there are three other women.

This may be the most logical conversation we’ve ever witnessed in the history of this show.

The Farmer sits with the sister and asks for her blessing. The sister basically says that she can’t give it to him when three other girls are in the mix, but if he decides that Whitney is the one, he should call her. Until then, no blessing.

Whitney is forced to do a bit of damage control. She grabs a bottle from her kitchen and tells The Farmer that this is the super expensive wine she bought once upon a time. She wanted to share it with the man she was going to marry. She pops the cork, pours him a glass, and gives him a hearty cheers.

Yolo and whatever.

Home Town Date #3
Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn’s family may be from Vancouver, eh, but they winter in Phoenix. They also rap in their spare time, so it made perfect sense for Kaitlyn to take The Farmer into a sound studio to lay down some sick beats. When I use the term “sick,” I don’t mean the urban dictionary definition. These beats were non-existent. He couldn’t carry a tune in a wheelbarrow. (Wheelbarrow seemed apropos since he’s a farmer. Does it count when you have to explain the joke?)

Kaitlyn takes him to meet her family, and it’s her mom who is giddy over how light is beaming from her daughter’s eyes. She wants to know how far the love goes, and Kaitlyn is quick to hint that she’s almost in love. The moment clearly called for, “I’m in loke,” but she opted for the millennial version, “I heart him.” She hearts him so much, she bought an electronic billboard to tell him so. The Farmer is so happy, he channels Patrick Swayze and totally pulls a Dirty Dancing move on Kaitlyn. Of course she weighs 80-pounds, but he’s definitely thrown a few hay bales around to be able to lift her up like that. He’s having the time of his life!

Home Town Date #4
Jade

Jade walks through her tiny Nebraska town, pointing out all the ways it’s better than Arlington. “There’s a car. And a person. That door opens. And this place has food.” They make their way to her childhood home to meet the family. The tension is palpable through my TV screen. Through cryptic messaging, both Jade’s father and brother hint that there’s more rebel to Jade that meets the eye. The brother goes one step further to remind The Farmer that Jade left this tiny town a long time ago for the big city. He’s not sure this “wild mustang” wants to be led back to the farm.

They leave Jade’s family and head to a hotel so Jade can tell him her deep dark Playboy secret. Twenty minutes after hinting to The Farmer that she has to tell him about a “liberating” time she spent when she first got to LA, Jade finally admits that she posed nude. She also offers to pull up the photos so he can see for himself.

I found the fact that she offered to show him her nude photos odd and sad. I also found that The Farmer agreed to look at her nude photos was odd and sad. Oh great. There’s a video.

He told her that he didn’t think differently about her now that he knew, and she shouldn’t feel bad because she’s a beautiful woman. He tells the camera that it’s hard to find a soul mate and that he comes from a very conservative community. If Arlington has a problem with his woman posing nude, they can get over it. If Arlington has a problem with him forgoing his single room for a fantasy suite on national TV, they can get over that too.

As it turns out, The Farmer won’t have to worry about what the old man who opens up his building for morning coffee says about his future wife. To my SURPRISE, he picks Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca over Jade. Let it be known that she is an amazing person, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he’s seen her undercarriage and ta-tas. He just had a bigger connection with the other girls.

Next week, ABC forks over a little cash and sends the cast and crew to their first overseas adventure (not counting that one time they went to New Mexico.) As one would assume, Bali is the perfect place to fall in love.

What did you think of this week’s elimination? Do you think he made a mistake? Will Britt be a candidate for the next bachelorette? Do you think Carly is hilarious? make sure to let me know your favorite lines from Sunday AND Monday!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee