I have to say that my vacation just HAPPENED to fall in pretty perfect timing with the Bachelorrette.  It never occurred to me to check the ABC schedule to make sure my mission trip was not the same week as the season finale.  Luckily, I had two witty writers to step in for me for the Men Tell All.  Thanks Catherine and Jill!  You guys rocked!

It’s been a wild ride for our little Jillian.  She’s been on an incredible journey.  She let some dude lick her toes.  She left another poor soul on the train tracks in the Canadian wilderness.   She dumped a guy for being too perfect and lost her breath when he showed up at her door to out HWMNBN.  Her heart broke when Ed left her to go back to his job and then exploded when he returned to stake his claim.  She was sucked in by some pretty chach-tastic musical stylings of a wannabe country star.  She made a big mistake by kicking an adorable guy to the curb. 

Clearly, Our Host Chris Harrison was not exaggerating when he said that this has been the most emotional season in Bachelorette history.

And Jillian assures the camera that she is in love with the remaining two guys:

“Letting Reid go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  He is PERFECT for me.  I mean PERFECT.  But he never told me that he loved me and I need to hear that.  Several times a day.  I know Kiptynite doesn’t say it either, but have you seen his nine pack?  Seriously.  That trumps love any day.  And sure…Ed and I had issues on the fantasy suite date.  It didn’t go as well as planned and it messed with our heads.  No pun intended.  But he’s promised me that if I give him a second chance, it will be worth the wait.  How could I think about letting this guy go?  He picks me up EVERY TIME I see him.  It makes me feel dainty and light.  And that’s important to me.  It too trumps love.”

Ed Meets the Family

Jillian and Ed reunite on the Big Island of Hawaii.  He picks her up and twirls her around.  She thinks he does this because he loves how she is so petite.  I think it’s because it hurts his back to bend over so far down just to kiss her.  Perhaps it’s both.  They find a bench and sit down to talk.

Ed:  “The last time we were together, I had a hard time.”

Jillian:  “Well…technically, you didn’t have a hard…”

Ed:  “You know what I mean.  I want to reassure you that this time, there will be no pressure.”

Jillian:  “It seems we still have a problem.”

Ed:  “No, no…I mean…there will be pressure, but, what I’m saying is…”

Jillian:  “Not to worry Ed.  I understand.”

Jillian and Ed go to a bungalow to meet Peggy, Glen, Cousin Tori and Grandma.  Granny is still a little firecracker and tells the group that Ed is “terrifically good looking, eh?” 

Jillian jumps in head first and suggests that Ed tell his story.  Ed looks at her with wide eyes, visibly swallows and takes a deep breath.

Ed:  “There are times in a man’s life when he becomes really stressed out and is unable to perform in ways that he would like at a moment’s notice…”

Jillian stops him from further embarrassment, tells Cousin Tori to shut her mouth and gives Granny a glare for laughing.  She encourages Ed to tell the story about how he left the show for a few weeks.

Ed:  “Oh!  That makes more sense.  Coming on the show was huge for me.  I’m married to my job and it scared me to be gone for eight weeks.  I let the pressure get to me and I decided I didn’t want to sacrifice my career to be here.  So I left.”

Glen looks ticked.  Peggy looks disappointed.  Cousin Tori looks bored and Granny is flirting with the pool boy.

Ed:  “But then I couldn’t stop thinking about her.  I let her down.  I let myself down and I knew I needed to do whatever I could to get back on the show.  Luckily, Jillian took me back and I’m going to do everything in my power to show her that it was the right decision.”

Glen looks skeptical.  Peggy looks annoyed.  Cousin Tori looks smitten and Granny is bouncing the pool boy on her lap.

Peggy takes Ed to the front room to go through a list of 358 questions.  We learn that Ed wants at least three kids, wants to retire in Hawaii and thinks that honest and love is the glue that holds a marriage together.  Peg seemed happy with Ed’s answers, but she didn’t seem sold on the idea that he was the right one for Jilly.

Glen takes Ed out back and does very little talking.  Ed tells Glen he is in love with Jillian and will do whatever it takes to make it work.  He wants to give Jilly a ring and is curious about Glen’s thoughts on a potential proposal.  There is a long pause and Glen answers that he would love to see his daughter hitched and that he would do somersaults if a proposal took place at the end of this journey.

And what better way to celebrate the pending nuptials than an impromptu hula dance at sunset!  Cousin Tori and Jillian wear coconut bras over their shirts.  Nice!  They all sway back and forth in grass skirts.  Jillian is barking orders at Ed and he is quick to jump through her hoops.  Dorktastic!

Jillian:  “Today could have been really awkward and weird, but it wasn’t.”

Lincee:  “Were my eyes playing tricks on me, or were you not a part of the backyard hulu that just took place?  That was the definition of awkward.”

Jillian:  “Excuse me Lincee, but I would think that my fantasy date with Ed was the definition of awkward.  I mean, what was that all aboot?  Can you imagine coming out in a gossamer nightie and doing a sultry dance, only to get nothing out of the deal?  I even turned him over and stuck my…”

Lincee:  “Touché Jillian.  Touché.  Please stop talking.”

Kip Meets the Family

Kip runs to greet Jillian with a kiss that lasted about five minutes.  His tongue was all over the place and his approach was off.   Notably, there is physical chemistry and Jillian doesn’t seem to mind that she has to wipe her mouth every time they pull apart for air.

Jillian:  “My family is a lot like your family.”

Kip:  “So your Mom is not a fan of wire hangers?”

Jillian:  “Sure she will grill you, but you just have to go with the flow.  I’m not worried at all.  You’ll be great!”

Kip:  “I know I’ll be great Jillian.  It’s who I am.  I did 8,387 sit ups yesterday.  The abs, if I do say so myself, are rockin’.” 

Jillian squeals like a dolphin when she sees her parents again.  They sit down in the living room and she tells them that Kip was the first out of the limo and she was stuck immediately by his beauty.

Jillian:  “He was soooo good looking.  But I wondered if he had a brain.  Not only is he smart and cute, but he does charitable work on the side.  And his abs.  You should see his abs!  Stand up honey and show them your abs!”

Kip lifts his shirt.  Peggy begins to fan herself.  Cousin Tori begins to drool.  And Granny plays them like a washboard. 

Peggy pulls Kip aside grills him.  We learn that he wants two kids and that communication is key in a relationship.  He wants to marry his best friend and have coffee with her every morning. 

Glen takes Kip outside to give him the opportunity to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage.  When he doesn’t, he inquires if he is in love with Jillian.  Kip dances around the direct question and tells Glen that he loves Jillian’s zest and passion for life and that there is a definite energy that he connects with. 

Glen does not look happy.

Jillian walks Kip to the car and makes out with him for 10 minutes.  It’s a good thing that this episode was two hours long, or we would have missed this tutorial on how NOT to kiss.  I like to think of it as ABC’s adult version of an After School Special.

Back inside, Granny tells Jillian that Kip is very, very, very, very nice.  Cousin Tori loves his gentle personality and that work isn’t a big deal to him.  She thinks Kip will balance Jillian well.  Glen loves Ed because he straight up told him that he loved Jillian.  Peg is drawn to Kip’s energy. 

But Jillian needs to reveal a secret and she wants to confide in Cousin Tori.  They scoot outside and dish. 

Jillian:  “My overnight date with Kip was HOT.  I wanted to rip his clothes off.”

CT:  “Yes.  I saw the abs.  I don’t blame you.  So what’s the problem?”

Jillian:  “With Ed, there wasn’t that feeling.  Remember that cheese cloth I bought from Frederick’s of Hollywood?  Nothing.  I wanted the night to be hot, heavy and steamy, but it was more lukewarm, limp and stale.”

CT:  “Again…what’s the problem?”

Overnight Ed Date

Ed tells the camera that he is in love and he wants to seal the deal. 

Yes.  He said, “I want to seal the deal.  Tonight must be a success.”

I love how we aren’t even trying to hide the fact that these two are going to be doing the horizontal tango in a matter of hours.  We used to speculate back in the day.  Now we just talk about our bedroom problems and air all the dirty laundry.  Because honest is the best policy. 

Jillian pulls up to Ed’s hotel in a red Jeep.  Sadly, Ed has chosen to wear his terrycloth sleeveless shirt.  You know the one.  The scoop neck is just an inch or two too scoopy?  The one that probably came out of the Magnum P.I. wardrobe check in 1979?  Yeah…that’s the one. 

They hop aboard a chopper for the seventh time this season.  Jillian and Ed are so over the helicopter, so they just make out in the back seat as Gary the camera guy gets b-roll footage for later.  The chopper drops them off near a rain forest and they swim around in a lagoon by a waterfall.

Annnnnnd there are the green shorty shorts again.  Seriously ABC intern.  I’m disappointed that you did not intervene from our last experience with the green shorty shorts.  Head in the game, man.  C’mon!

Jillian:  “So how have you been feeling these last few days?”

Ed:  “Much better.  You are like one of my best guy friends.”

Lincee:  What the what?

Ed:  “You are beautiful.   You are a genius for keeping me here.  You are perfect for me.  I will never leave you again.”

Jillian blushes and curls up into a ball so he can hold her like a baby.

Ed tells the camera that the day’s chemistry was amazing, but there is a lot of pressure building up.  He gives the thumbs up sign and says that everything is going well and he’s ready to take it to the next level.

Ed invites Jillian back to his place and everyone walks cautiously and slowly back to the bungalow, careful not to make any sudden movements.  They don’t want to scare “anything” away.

Jillian tells the camera that the physical and sexual chemistry was there.  ABC shows the bedroom light turning off followed by a tight shot of the volcano spewing lava.

I’m assuming they had sex, but one can’t be too sure. 

Overnight Kip Date

KIP’S ABS!  FOR REAL!  THERE THEY ARE!  PAUSE THE TV! 

Seriously.  That boy should carry things over his head all the time.  Why did we not see more of those luscious abs this season?  We should bronze them or something.

I’m getting of target.

Jillian arrives to pick Kiptynite up on a blow-up speed boat.  He hops in and begins making out because let’s face it…that’s what they do.  They straddle a surfboard and paddle out to their own personal rocky island.  They have a picnic and eat fruit off of each other’s stomachs. 

Maybe that part was just in my head, but whatever. 

Back at Kip’s place, he decides to confess to Jillian that he is nervous for the first time in his life.  He admits that he would be hurt if he lost her.  He takes a leap of faith and tells her that he is falling in love. 

I personally think he was doing this because he knows Jillian needed to hear that in order to pick him.  And since he’s a winner and never has been dumped, he needed that security and was willing to go for broke. 

Rose Ceremony

Jillian tells us that she is excited for the future and that both men are perfect for her.  She reads notes from the boys and I didn’t take time to pause and read what they said, because…I don’t care.  She’s picked Ed and Kip is about to experience heartbreak like the rest of us. 

Kip goes to look at rings and chooses a lovely one that any girl would be proud to wear.  Then he goes for a run on the beach shirtless. 

Thank you ABC.  I have a feeling this is the last time I will see that impeccable nine pack. 

Ed feels that he is ready to be a husband.  Unfortunately, he picks a pear shaped ring and the diamond guy does not stop him from making this mistake.  Bless his heart.

Jillian puts on her engagement dress that looks like it came from David’s Bridal and twirls around in the mirror.  Kip stares at his ring.  Ed prays in the back seat of the car. 

Our Host Chris Harrison greets Polly Pocket outside of the bungalow and escorts her to the freshly stained bridge that inevitably leaves rust marks on Jillian’s engagement dress.  But she doesn’t care. 

Jillian:  “I’m nervous.”

Hare:  “You know what to do.  You know what you want.  Suck it up babe.”

Jillian tells the camera that it is going to kill her to let this guy go.  There are so many things she loves about this guy and she adores him.

Kip exits the limo.  No one is surprised.

Jillian:  “You are incredible.  You have that spark for life that I have been looking for.  You are all the things I’ve always dreamed of.  But I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”

Kip:  “I’m a man, and I’ll get through this.  I want you to be happy.  Thank you for everything.  You are incredible and Ed’s a lucky man.”

Kip rubs his heart as he leaves the pier.  I’m not sure if it’s because his heart is breaking, or he’s making sure he still has the receipt for the ring.  Regardless, he left with class.  I’m so glad he just got in the limo and didn’t kiss her or make a fool of himself. 

Kip tells the ABC psychotherapist that he is hurting and wonders why strange liquid is squeezing from his eyes.  She explains that these are called “tears” and that he should embrace the moment.  He’s experiencing growth and has just taken a leap of faith. 

Jillian is super excited for Ed to show up.  But what is this?  A red bulky taxi?  A pair of sneakers and khakis?  What happened to Ed’s unusually short navy tights and purple tie with his grey suit?  What’s going on here?

Enter Reid.

Cue “Hallelujah Chorus.” 

Reid:  “I had to pull multiple strings to get back on this island.  Well, technically, I only had to call Hare.  He and I became tight because we are witty and talented men and he gave me his number because he wants to hang out when the show ends.  I can’t wait.  I love that guy.  Anyway…there is no doubt in my mind that Jillian and I are perfect for each other and that she is making a big mistake.  I’m going to tell her how I feel and then propose.”

Hare makes a quick call to Caesar the limo driver and asks him to make a few trips around the island.  We are in CODE BLUE! 

Reid saunters down the pier into Jillian’s arms.  She is literally clinging to him and hugging him for dear life.  She is completely shocked as he spills his guts to her.  He tells her everything she ever wanted to hear, including the fact that he loves her.

Reid:  “I was an idiot.”

Jillian:  “I don’t know what to think!  Letting you go was so hard.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Including how I just kicked the dude with phenomenal abs to the curb.  What am I supposed to do here?”

Reid:  “Our connection was indescribable.  The connection we have is real and it is meant to be.”

My jaw is wide open and I can’t take my eyes off the TV.

Reid drops to one knee and she jerks him back up.

Negative Ghost Rider.  The pattern is full.

Jillian:  “Do you know what’s going on right here?  Right now?”

Reid:  “Yes.  What’s going on, here without me, is all wrong.”

Reid puts his head to her head in that special way as she mumbles on about how she just needs to think. 

I keep yelling KISS HER to the TV, but Reid doesn’t move an inch.

Jillian:  “I have to think about un-making a decision.”

Lincee:  We call that changing your mind, but whatever.  TEAM REID!  Un-make the decision.  UN-MAKE THE DECISION!”

Jillian asks Reid to wait for her as she scoots inside to find Harrison. 

The ABC camera gets a shot of Ed at a drive through ordering French fries.

Jillian:  “How am I supposed to make a decision?”

OHCH:  “What’s your gut telling you?  It’s still up to you, Jillian.  If you are in love with Ed, stand by your convictions.  Are you in love with Reid?  Because America sure is…”

Jillian:  “Not helping Chris.  What do I do?”

OHCH:  “Use the force Jillian.”

Jillian:  “Stop talking like Yoda and HELP ME MAN!”

OHCH:  “Are you excited about this guy getting down on one knee and proposing to you?”

Jillian:  “Yes.”

OHCH:  “Do you want him to be your husband?”

Jillian:  “Yes.”

OHCH:  “Then my work here is done.  Help you I did, yes?”

Jillian goes out to tell Reid that her heart belongs to Ed.  She wants to stick with her decision she made this morning.  She assures Reid that she cares about him and will never forget their chemistry. 

Then we experienced the longest, saddest hug in television history.

He snuggles into her hair to remember the smell and kisses her hand.  He waves a tearful goodbye as the taxi schleps him back to the airport. 

Call me Reid. 

Jillian has now sweated and cried all her makeup off as she takes her position at the proposal rock pedestal.  Third time down the pier that stains your dress is a charm!  She wipes mascara from under her eyes and hoists her strapless dress up as she eloquently tells the crew, “Ed better no BLEEPING disappoint me.”

Someone get her a shot of whiskey.  My girl’s nerves are toast!

Ed arrives and Jillian is spent.  She just wants a ring on her finger, but Ed is persistent.  He wants to get the speech out that he’s been practicing for the last four hours in the back of the limo.

Ed: “You may not know how much you’ve impacted me and changed me as a man and helped me reprioritize my life.  You are everything I’ve ever asked for in a woman.  Beautiful, intelligent, funny, confident.  I know that I love you, I need to know that you love me.”

Ed pauses before pulling out the ring to hear Jillian’s response.

Jillian:  “There is no doubt in my mind that I am madly in love with you.”

They hug and kiss and he picks her up and swings her around.  He asks if she will marry him.  She squishes her nose up at the pear shaped diamond, but then decides that beggars can’t be choosers and agrees with a hearty, “ABSOLUTELY!”

I’m so glad she wore her flowy engagement dress, because her legs were able to wrap around his waist for the perfect twirl.  Then she jumps on his back and they run down the pier together.

Although I think it is love, she sure did have a hard time getting over Reid.  Should we be concerned?  Should we be nervous? 

We’ll find out TONIGHT on After the Final Rose!

Until tomorrow,

I’m all about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee