Why is this show two hours long? There is no reason we should have 120 minutes of boy drama coupled with Ali’s nervous giggling. If ABC is going to make us sit through all the unnecessary boring footage, the LEAST they could do is pepper in Our Host Chris Harrison for some comic relief. I would have actually paid money for him to commentate the stud muffin photo shoot. And I would have dared him to go over and moderate the “super special dude gathering” that Coiffed Craig requested before the rose ceremony. You know Hare would have asked the Weatherman to put his brown belt moves up against Craig. That cocktail meeting room would have made for a perfect Kobra Kai dojo. NO MERCY!
When is ABC going to call me so I can script their show? As clearly indicated from my ideas above, it would be better than what we were force fed last night.
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.
We begin with Our Host Chris Harrison gathering the boys into the dojo to explain that there will be three dates this week: one group and two one-on-one dates. Alas…not everyone will have a date with Ali this week. Hare pulls out the first date card from his back pocket, tosses it on the table and heads out to the pool bar for a little Crown and Coke.
We learn that Frank has landed the first one-on-one and are treated to several fist pumps and “yeah babies.” Immediately, the guys are on edge because Frank apparently is there for the right reasons. Clearly he is a threat. I suspect that with a few more mimosas in him, Craig R. will think of something to accuse him of later and then tattle during his secret alone time with Ali.
Speaking of our Bachelor, Ali is geeked out that she gets to legally date 17 guys at the same time! Her signature yellow shirt goes great with her new purple kicks. And just to make sure everyone in America and parts of Canada knows that she is the girl next door, she fashions her extensions into a messy braid.
First One-On-One Date
All signs point to love.
Ali thinks that Frank is fun, but she’s not sure if there is a love connection. She needs to find out of there is a spark. Ali is smitten when Frank picks her up and twirls her around in front of the other guys when she arrives at the man mansion. When he sets her down and her vision is restored from the dizziness, she is greeted by about five separate six packs of abs. Instead of allowing Ali to hug it out with the other suitors, Frank wisely whisks Ali away within minutes of arriving, afraid that she will be entranced by Kirk’s physique and board shorts.
Frank knows how to play the game. He’s smart. He’s taking control of the situation. And it wouldn’t surprise me if Frank had a nice little body under that Bar Harbor vintage t-shirt.
Frank takes Ali’s hand and leads her out of the man mansion. Several of the abs follow so they can wave goodbye. Frank is ecstatic to find an electric blue 1957 convertible Thunderbird waiting for them in the driveway. After he finishes standing on the hood singing and hand gesturing, “Goooooooooo Greased Lightning,” Ali giggles, takes the wheel, revs the engine and peels out leaving a cloud of dust behind which immediately sticks to Kirk’s glistening pectorals.
In an extreme William Wallace moment, Frank shouts, “FREEDOM!” from the top of his lungs. He is holding his hand up as if riding a roller coaster. Ali begins to woo hoo. It will not be the last of her woo hoo’ing.
Frank: “This date is phenomenal. I’m with a beautiful girl in a beautiful car. What could go wrong?”
Low and behold, Greased Lightning begins to sputter. Ali ceases the woo hoo’ing, begins OMG’ing and pulls the car off to the shoulder. Frank looks concerned and Ali looks totally embarrassed. Luckily, the entire thing was captured both with a camera man on the ground and aerial footage.
I have to say…I halfway thought Frank was going to hop out of the car and ask Ali to hold his specs while he took his shirt off to unscrew something under the hood and totally fix the car. That would have been so hot.
Instead, Frank drops the ball and doesn’t even throw out something remotely automotive related. C’mon dude! At least give the obligatory, “Maybe it’s the alternator.” They laugh about how their super cool date has just come to a literal halt in gridlock traffic. Ali suggests they just run on ahead to their next destination. The two trot hand-and-hand on the shoulder of the highway, ironically away from the direction they were driving, singing “Summer Nights” in perfect harmony.
Frank hails a cab and they are off to Hollywood Boulevard. Ali thinks that Frank is so cool for going with the flow. Especially when she is bombarded by paparazzi while they are searching for Chris Harrison’s star in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater.
Back at the man mansion, Craig R. is picking a fight with Justin the Gimp. Poor guy is minding his own business catching some rays by the pool and itching a scratch in his boot cast with a coat hanger when Craig R. starts rambling on about how Justin lies to everyone but Ali. Then he calls him “Rated-I Don’t Believe A Word You Say” and ends with a zinger about floating back to Toronto. One can only assume there was a butterfly and a stinging like a bee reference earlier that was edited. Regardless, Craig R. has just confirmed a spot in my ever-growing “he’s a tool” category.
Back on the random patch of highway, Ali falls out of the taxi onto the pavement. I’m guessing we missed the part of the date where she gets hammered, because it’s all she can do to open a pad locked gate and stumble down a trail of rocky terrain all the while woo hoo’ing and explaining to Frank that nobody EVER gets to do what they are about to do.
All of a sudden, Frank realizes Ali is not completely clueless and has taken him to the Hollywood sign. This is UN-believable. Naturally, he picks her up and twirls her around. Then they stand like they are posing for an engagement picture against the “Y” and look out at the view.
Ali: “Tell me about Paris. Do you know how to speak French?”
Frank: “Oui. I was there for six weeks screenwriting. Now I manage a store that is not a corporate sponsor of ABC or any of its subsidiaries. I’m forbidden to say Starbucks on air. But I realized that my career will always be there. I can always jump back into a job. But that’s not the case with matters of the heart. You only have so many shots with love.”
I’m not sure if Ali was moved by his touching speech or if she was in the beginning phases of passes out, but she leaned in to him and they shared a romantic kiss at dusk under the first “O.”
Back at the man mansion, tension fills the air when Coiffed Craig starts antagonizing the group about their tattoos.
CC: “I want to know what Ali says aboot all of your tattoos.”
Everyone laughs. Coiffed Craig loves the attention and takes it a step further. He looks at Jesse and says, “Did your Mom do that for you?”
Silence fills the kitchen as Jesse coldly looks down on Coiffed Craig.
CC [nervous, but too late to turn back now]: “What are you, eh? Twenty-four or something?”
Jesse continues to give Craig the evil eye while counting to 20 in his head.
CC: “You are a good looking guy but that’s aboot it. You are such a young punk. Why are you so upset? I can’t believe you are this upset.”
Jesse: “I don’t talk sh!t. I just hit.”
Southern Ty comes in and breaks up what would have been a pretty quick fight. I was excited to see the possibility of an action sequence and am sort of ticked off that nothing happened. My money was totally on Jesse. He’s a small town boy. I’m sure he’s held his own in a few drunken pasture parties in Peculiar, Missouri. You could tell he was almost ready to throw a punch.
Coiffed Craig later brags to the camera that he got under Jesse’s skin. Ironically, he chooses to pick on the Weatherman for the remainder of his stay in the man mansion.
Back at the Hollywood sign, Greased Lightning has been serviced and has returned to working order with only a few LA gang signs spray painted on the side. And it’s a good thing too, because eating red velvet cupcakes and drinking champagne on the hood of a Yellow Cab would not have been as romantic. Ali pulls out the date rose and Frank makes a decision to lay everything out on the line. He’s an artist. He’s emotional. He needs Ali to know how he’s feeling.
Frank: “I just want to thank you again for picking me for this first date. I’m so lucky. And flattered.”
Ali: “I’m glad.”
Lincee: Well played Frank.
Frank: “It’s been phenomenal.”
Ali: “Good. You are funny, smart and quirky. There’s nothing NORMAL about you. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I think that about myself!”
Lincee: Nice recover Ali.
Frank: “This night was PERFECT. These next couple of days without you are going to be hard.
Lincee: Keep it simple Frank. You might want to rein it in a bit.
Ali tells Frank that he has exceeded all of her expectations and asks him to accept the rose.
Ali: “You are so charming. I feel really good about the time we had together. I hope you feel that way too.”
Frank: “No matter what happens, nothing can shake our connection. I don’t care how long it takes. I’m here to the end.”
Lincee: Okay, calm down Frank.
For the next 10 minutes, we are treated to a make out session on the hood of Greased Lightning. From what I can tell, Frank seems to be a pretty good kisser, except for that part when Ali is leaning against his chest and then tries to twist around and the lips just don’t quite meet and…well it was awkward.
Pin Up Boys
Ali decides to let her extensions go natural for her group date at a beach house in Malibu. She sports her favorite black bikini top and cargo pants. It was also sad that Justin the Gimp had to hop down about 600 stairs in order to get to the beach. But then I remembered he is R-Rated and can probably handle it.
Ali announces to the boys that she has a surprise.
Ali [in an annoying baby voice]: “Hey guys. I have a surprise for you. We aren’t here to hang out and have fun so I can get to know my future husband better. Instead, we are going to have a photo shoot that will be turned into a sexy wall calendar! It’s for charity or something. I’m not sure which one. I’m thinking we’re going to send it to people in Haiti or help those affected by Hurricane Katrina. I’m really into volunteer work. And what better way to save the dolphins than to have you guys pose in swimwear?”
Weatherman is nervous he will get stuck wearing a Speedo. I found this information confusing, because home slice practically showed his Doppler Radar when we first met him back in Houston when he was in his underwear standing in front of his closet picking out pink shirts because they make his eyes pop on camera. How is this different?
Ali stands with the Weatherman and the ABC fashionista as she shuffles through the wardrobe rack. She finds Weatherman’s name and pulls out a tiny pair of black panties.
Annnnnnd here come the banana hammock comments.
Weatherman: “Are you kidding me? No. Nope. Not gonna do it. Isn’t there anything else you have in there? This is ridiculous.”
Bless sweet Steve’s heart. He’s the short one you don’t know with the dark curly hair. And I’m pretty sure he’s gay. He tries to help the situation.
Steve: “It’s not that bad!”
Weatherman: “At least you have good legs.”
Steve: “You’ve got great legs. And a nice ass. You can do this!”
Weatherman tells the camera that he’s glad he tanned and waxed before the show and decides to man up and wear the hammock. Then he throws self confidence out the window when he puts a child’s swim ring around his waist to hide his junk.
Weatherman: “The forecast today is 100 percent chance my crotch will show.”
Ali was proud and said he rocked it.
The other guys were way more mellow. Coiffed Craig and his impeccable hair leaned against a railing with a cigar, snifter, sweater tied around his neck and a perverted smile.
Kirk got excited that Ali touched his leg.
Ty went the distance. Instead of holding the surf board the ABC fashionista propped him with, he decided to sit on it and play Ali a song he wrote with his guitar.
Ty: “I decided to make this my time and just enjoy the moment. Even though there were a ton of people around, I felt like we were on a date. It got serious for a moment. Hopefully that was a good thing.”
Indeed. Ty scored the group date rose.
Tattle Tale Craig was upset that Ty broke the rules of the photo shoot by serenading with a musical instrument. Then he really got anxious when he was handed a red Speedo. After strutting around on the beach a bit, he admitted that it felt nice as he pointed to his package. It might just be me, but he looked a little bit like my Malibu Ken Barbie doll. And that’s concerning.
Ali thanks the boys for being such great sports posing for charity. She’s sure the inner city kids in Detroit will love being the beneficiary of the dozens of dollars they will make from this Tool Academy calendar. As a thank you, she’s going to treat them to a cocktail party that roughly has several hundred dollars worth of booze. Woo hoo!
Southern Ty steals Ali away to explain that he’s been married before. The good news is that he’s learned a lot of life lessons and is certain he will be a better husband in the future. Ali respects him for being so open and honest. Just as Ty is about to pick up his guitar and sing Ali a song for the third time, the Weatherman walks in to secretly share with Ali that Coiffed Craig is a Category 6 A-hole.
At first I was confused with the Weatherman’s jacket choice. He could have been the winner of an 80’s themed dance party, because he was one sequined glove and a crotch grab away from a “Beat It” video. Except his jacket was white. I half expected him to pull out his switch blade and demand that Our Host Chris Harrison use his brown belt to tie his wrist to Coiffed Chris so they can battle it out in the streets. But that didn’t happen. Weatherman appeared to be completely comfortable in his choice of ensemble. Bless his heart.
Ali: “Hey Weath…um…hey there! How are you doing?”
Weatherman: “I’m feeling good right now. But you see. Here’s the thing. I want to tell you. There are a bunch of decent guys in the house, but some I don’t think are right for you.”
Ali: “Tell me who.”
Weatherman: “I’m good at quick judge of character, and one has shown a huge LACK of character.”
Ali: “Great. I want to know his name.”
Weatherman: “It’s tough because I don’t want to be a tattle tale. This person…are you sure you want to know?”
Ali: “Don’t beat around the bush with me Weatherman. I majored in throwing people under the bus. Do you remember how I hated Vienna? Who are you talking about?”
Weatherman: “Craig M. He’s, like, a dangerous person. He’s crazy. He’s just asking to be laid out. I don’t want to use my brown belt and rip him a new one, but whatever.”
A: “You’d do that? Seriously? That you so much.”
Weatherman side shuffles up to the bar pleased that he and Ali are on the same page and orders an amaretto sour. Coiffed Craig begins to push his buttons.
CC: “Did you have a connection with Ali? Did she see the shoes you are wearing tonight?”
Weatherman breathes in through his nose and out his mouth to maintain focus and walks away.
Back at the man mansion, another date card has arrived at the door. Frank reads the note to the other guys:
“Use these when the time is right.”
Frank opens the box to find a pair of cuff links…with no note. After several minutes of wondering how they can figure out this riddle, Robert-o realizes that the cuff links have the initials J and B on them. After explaining to Jesse the functionality of cuff links, he seems somewhat excited that he landed the second one-on-one date.
Back at the cocktail party, Justin the Gimp is searching high and low for Ali. He interrupts that guy we don’t know and struggles to sit down. Ali assures him that she is confident in who he is as a person beyond the entertainment wrestler. Then she asks to sit by him. In a moment of utter awkwardness, she backs herself into his waiting arms and snuggles up in his lap, paying no attention to the crutches she just knocked over and the audible wince of pain issued forth from Gimp’s lips.
Ali: “I like you.”
Ali [a bit irritated]: “Well I hope you like me to.”
Gimp: “What’s not to like?”
Ali thanks all the boys for “having her back” and then gives the date rose to Ty. All the guys kick themselves for not learning how to play an instrument in sixth grade music class.
Second One-On-One Date
Ali: “I’m looking forward to my date with Jesse. He is hot and sexy. I hope it develops into more. I want him to open up and let loose and have fun.”
Jesse was instructed to bring his cuff links. He admits that he is nervous because he is more a t-shirt kind of guy. He gets really nervous when Ali greets him in front of a private jet.
Jesse: “She looked so hot in her skinny jeans and heels. Sexy as ever.”
Ali tells Jesse that she is taking him to Vegas! Jesse smiles. Ali hopes that he is more than just hot and assumes he is not overly excited about the trip because he too is afraid of aircrafts.
Ali: “Are you scared to ride in small airplanes?”
Jesse: “Don’t know. I never rode one.”
Ali reminds everyone that she is terrified of flying. She constantly grabs Jesse’s thigh and pretends to hyperventilate. Jesse is oblivious. When the plane turns, Ali physically grabs his hands and forces him to hold on to her. Jesse buys a clue and doesn’t let go.
Ali thinks he’s hot for being so supportive with her plane anxiety.
When they leave the private jet, a red Ferrari awaits for them at the end of a red carpet. Jesse is a little ticked that Ali gets to drive, but then gets turned on by the fact that she isn’t afraid to go fast.
Jesse: “She is a hot lady in a hot car. She handled it well.”
Ali: “You should see me on a four wheeler! HERE WE COME VEGAS! Woo hoo!”
She pulls in to a new Vegas hotel that hasn’t even opened yet.
Ali: We are going to enjoy the Vegas sun by the pool. Don’t Jesse and I make a hot couple? Have you seen his tats? I’m going to ask him what the tribal arm band symbolizes. So sexy. He’s super good looking. Even though I hid behind a strategically placed fern, I’m glad we get to be in swimsuits together. I was a little ticked when he pulled me in the water and got my extensions wet, but I forgive him because he’s so hot. I do need to decide if I’m giving him a rose though. If I didn’t, I guess he would have to stay in Vegas. That’s harsh.”
In keeping with the “stuff Jesse has never experienced before” theme, Ali introduces him to oysters.
Ali: “Did you know that oysters are an aphrodisiac?”
Jesse: “If it didn’t have the lemon in it, it would have tasted like BEEP”
That is the moment when Jesse endeared himself to me.
Later, Jesse changes into a new suit that actually fits him. And you can tell that he hates it as he walks out to the luxury suite to find Ali.
When he said “good evening” to the door man, he endeared himself to me again.
Ali comes down the stairs in a champagne colored flowy dress and takes great pride in dramatically raising the shades of the windows so they can enjoy the Vegas strip lights at dusk. Again, Jesse seems unfazed. You can tell he doesn’t need all the pomp and circumstance and really just wants his favorite pair of jeans and an ice cold beer.
Back at the man mansion, someone off camera says that if Jesse comes back with a rose, there will be one less for the rest of them.
Thank you Captain Obvious.
Coiffed Craig: “If Jesse, someone else needs to just leave. And if no one volunteers, we throw the weatherman oot the front door.”
The Weatherman calls Coiffed Craig a jerk-off for the tenth time and is irate when he comes down the stairs in his white Michael Jackson jacket.
Weatherman: “My clothes are ruined. Who knows what kind of bacterial diseases he has.”
Up in the super fancy suite, Ali admits that she and Jesse haven’t talked about serious stuff yet. She wants to make sure there is a connection beyond the hotness.
Ali: “Your tie is so hot.”
Jesse: “Thanks. I’m really happy to be here. I want to find out more about you.”
Ali: “Sure. But I rather know what your town is like.”
Jesse: “There are 3,000 people in my town.”
Ali: “That’s just like me! Don’t let the gown and jewels fool you. I’m not a city girl. Woo hoo!”
Jesse: “I’ve lived both worlds. The country always appealed more to me.”
Annnnnd Jesse is probably done. Ali will not be moving from California to live in Peculiar, Missouri as he furthers his woodworking business (why is wood working so hot?) and I doubt he will move to the west coast so she can be on Dancing with the Stars next season.
Ali: “I felt 10 times closer to Jesse as a result of our dinner conversation. He is attractive. Do I know that it is right for me? I don’t. Will he kiss better than Frank? I’m not sure. But I’m willing to find out during a private concert with singer/songwriter Jamie Cullum.”
Note to reader: Go now and download Jamie Cullum’s version of “I Only Have Eyes For You.”
Ali drags Jesse off to dance. I couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or annoyed with Ali’s willingness to fling him all around. It annoyed me to death. If we learned anything from Penny’s meringue class in the gazebo, it was that the man is in charge on the dance floor if nowhere else.
Finally Jesse grabs a handful of her extensions and pulls her close. He begins stroking her back to calm her down. This is what he does to his Labrador retriever back home. She responds with wide eyes and lets him take control. Then he starts making out while swaying to the beat.
This is when Jesse endeared himself to me for the third time. I will agree with Ali when I say that it was hot.
Ali woo hoo’s herself for being so confident when she walks into the room of young suitors. She seeks out the boys that didn’t have any dates with her this week.
Cape Cod Chris: “Hi Ali! I’m Chris. It’s nice to meet you. Welcome to my home.”
Ali dissolves into a fit of giggles and then says in a whiny voice that she is bummed she didn’t’ get a chance to hang out with him.
Cape Cod Chris: “Well I can’t wait to get to know you better. Everything I’ve learned has been second hand knowledge. It’s hard, but I’m patient.”
Ali: “All I know is that we both say wicked. But I’m a California girl too, so I also say surf’s up.”
Cape Cod Chris: “Wicked. I’m the oldest. I’m super close to my brothers and family. They are who I am. You should come to the Cape and hang out.”
Ali hops up and gives him a hug and runs off to find her crush Robert-o who takes her to his lucky dancing spot. She blushes nine shades of pink and apologizes for not seeing him all week long.
Robert-o: “You look beautiful. Muy bonita.”
Ali giggles like a school girl and hides her face. Robert-o knows he’s golden.
Robert-o: “I have traveled the world playing baseball. I played in college and was drafted by the Rockies and Twins. Do you want to play catch? I have a few gloves upstairs.”
Ali: “OMG! He is like a super good looking guy. He knows how to dance. AND he’s a professional athlete! If he reads Spanish poetry to me before the next rose ceremony, I just might send all the others home.”
Later, Ali and Kasey sit in front of the fire and talk about how pretty she is in white. Just when Kasey is about to specifically explain how he plans on guarding her loins, Frank comes and steals her away. As Kasey stands up, he whispers to Frank that he will come find him later.
Yeah he will. With the shank he made from a broken beer bottle.
Craig R. is on Kasey’s side because Frank is stealing valuable time from Ali when he already has a rose. He marks something in a mysterious spiral notebook he keeps hidden in his breast pocket.
Frank: “I left our date feeling that you are my girlfriend. Now I’m watching guys go out with you. Love these guys, but not that much.”
Ali: “Oh Frank! You are still as funny as ever! I’m happy to see you too!”
Frank…again with his Spidey senses…detects that he may be hovering over the friend zone or the brutal “love ya in a brotherly way.” He makes the conscious effort to kiss Ali in a very non-brotherly way. In front of on-looking Bachelors.
Ali comes up for air and then backs into his chest.
What is it with her backing in to guys?
Don’t answer that.
Back inside, Coiffed Craig is provoking the Weatherman to the point of no return. He is stoked when Ali seeks him out for some alone time. He elaborately tells Ali that Craig M’s character is zero out of 10. He is not a good person. He is poison and she doesn’t need to have that filth around her. Ali nods her head in agreement and pats her little informant on the head. What a good boy.
Ali finds Coiffed Craig so she can confront him.
Ali: Do you even like me?”
CC: “Obviously you are attractive.”
Ali: “No duh Craig. But right now I have 16 other guys who have shown me they are interested. What’s going on in the house? Someone used the word ‘dangerous’ when referring to you. Why would someone say that?”
CC: I don’t know. Uhhhmmmm. What’s in my head is that I’m misunderstood. If you give me the opportunity, I would totally change things.”
Ali dismisses Coiffed Craig who immediately calls an all dude meeting in the dojo.
CC: “I had an interesting talk with Ali. She heard that someone said I was dangerous. I want to know who would have said hat aboot me. (Silence) Weatherman? Do you want to talk aboot it?”
Weatherman: “What does it matter who said it?”
CC: “Of course it matters! So it’s obviously you.”
Weatherman: “I told you straight to your face I don’t like you. You are a malicious person.”
CC: “But did you tell Ali I was dangerous?”
Weatherman: “I don’t owe you anything. My conversations with Ali are my own business. They are private.”
CC: “Hey. Weatherman. I don’t know your name. But you still won’t admit that you called me dangerous?”
Weatherman: “If you are a man, you need to take some accountability for your actions. You blame Jesse…”
[Jesse cocks an eyebrow.]
Weatherman [scared that Jesse will laugh at his brown belt moves]: “Grow up.”
Weatherman should have had the stones to admit that he was the informant. Another point for the Tool Academy.
Back at the Pier One bureau, Ali longingly looks at the head shots of Coiffed Craig and the Weatherman. Coincidence? Of course not. And it’s not a big deal that they put them side-by-side at the rose ceremony either.
Ali decides to go with her gut and pick the guys who are right for her:
Kasey the Warrior
Cape Cod Chris
Justin the Gimp
John C. (huh?)
Craig R. and his secret notebook
Chris N. (who?)
Typically, I would be a little disappointed that we didn’t get to see Coiffed Craig for another week or two for entertainment purposes. But his Alpha Male persona was almost annoying enough to give up the show. Kudos to the producers for not making us sit through this anymore:
CC: “Ali missed a huge opportunity. The Weatherman and the wrestler? You can’t be serious aboot someone who is shorter than you. I’ll get back in the saddle pretty quick. Probably on the plane ride home.”
Peace oot Craig.
Next week looks promising. Ali is one step closer to finding her future husband! And might be the silhouette of the dude crying on his crutches! Woo hoo!
On a serious note, I’d like to thank all of the men and women in uniforms for the sacrifices they make every day so that I can live in a country where I’m free to write random musings about life, work and a silly reality show. Thank you and God bless each and every one. Happy Memorial Day!
All about the shame, not the fame,