Modeling last night’s hometown dates, I figure it would look a little something like this:

Hometown Date
Lincee
Hallsville, Texas

I would need a picturesque background for me to stand in front of as I gush about how I’m so excited for the Lieutenant to meet my family. Of course the Hallsville water tower wouldn’t do since there is not a big lawn or driveway nearby so that we could run to meet each other in a powerful embrace.

Tricky. Very tricky. Something that screams Hallsville and has a ton of grass…

Hello Bobcat stadium!

It actually works out perfect because my knee is hurt. And the knee’s first injury happened right there on the 50-yard-line while I was doing a cartwheel off of a fence to the tune of “Wild, Wild West” during Homecoming halftime in 1994. Circle of life people…

I would be in the stands overlooking the field. A black Tahoe would pull up at the opposite end. Andy would jump out and start running towards me. I’d yell, “You’re hhhhheeeeeeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee!” and he’d yell, “Oh MY GOSH” and hug me.

I’d show him all the hot spots of town. You’ve got your Dairy Queen. There’s the red light. The bank. I’d tell him about the time that I worked there as a teller and closed the blinds in my office because the sun was in my eyes, not knowing that was a sign to the police that there was a robbery going on inside and how they showed up asking the guy (who didn’t exist) to come out with his hands up. He’d laugh.

We’d go to my parent’s house. Mom would be waiting for us on the porch. Dogs would bark. Daddy would be either on the lawn mower, tractor or burning something. Mom would usher us in and thank Andy for bringing her coffee from Hawaii. She’d tell me to get on the golf cart and go flag Daddy down by the pond to tell him we were ready to eat. Mom would stay with Andy and talk about Hawaii. She’d tell him all about the time she visited in 1981 and wonder aloud if he had ever seen Blue Hawaii. Meanwhile, I’d go fetch Daddy, beg him to put on a shirt and remember to wash his hands before meeting the man of my dreams. Daddy would cock his eyebrow at me and say he would be in after he finished.

Mom would prepare the kitchen table with food from my Dad’s restaurant. Catfish Express. Andy would talk about how much he loved catfish. I would tell him I wish my Dad owned a pizza joint because I pretty much stay away from anything with gills and everything that is in the crustaceous family. Mom would tell him that the secret of a good cole slaw is how much sugar you add. I would make a gagging noise as I fixed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

My sister Jamie would then burst through the back door. My Mom would cry because she recently dyed her hair red. She would tell Andy how jealous we are of Jamie’s “wonder hair” and that she hopes she hasn’t ruined her beautiful blonde locks with that wretched dye and curses the hairdresser under her breath. Jamie would roll her eyes at Mom, plop down beside Andy and start giving him the third degree. She’s very protective.

She’d quiz him on important facts. What’s your favorite John Hughes movie? What music do you listen to? Can you believe I’m the OLDER sister even though I look younger?

Daddy would come in with the dogs, and grunt a hello at Andy. Mom would feed the dogs a weenie from the refrigerator because we are out of dog food. Then we’d all sit down and have a nice meal.

Mom: “Isn’t it sad that Don Ho died?”
Andy: “You have a wonderful, wonderful daughter.”
Jamie: “Quick…who would you rather date? Molly Ringwald from Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles?”
Andy: “I’m just wondering if Lincee is really in this for the right reasons.”
Daddy: Evil stare.
Andy: “This fish is awesome. Really awesome.”

After dinner, we’d make out in the driveway. I’d offer him some pointers on his kissing technique. Then I would tell the ABC psychotherapist that I felt a connection and I can’t wait to see him again.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

We begin last night’s episode with a simple rundown of the women. Andy tells the camera what he feels for each woman.

Tess is dynamic. She’s mature, experienced and sophisticated. He’s concerned that he has to woo her and that her heart is not on her sleeve.

Dani is the most invested. I don’t know WHERE he gets this from, but there is obviously some ABC editing going on to throw us off the trail. Would not be surprised if she is in the final two. He says that she is strong, but wonders if she is a friend or partner.

Amber has a beautiful smile. And we’re done.

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
He is concerned that she is 23. Buh bye Amber.

The chemistry with Bevin is natural. Every time he sees her, he feels a current. Nice of Andy to look up in his thesaurus another word for electricity. Too bad he didn’t do that for the words “wonderful” and “amazing” the rest of the night.

Top Nine Hometown Moments
Bevin

1. Bev runs to meet Andy halfway down the driveway by the waterfalls, jumps on him, wraps her legs around his waist and makes out with him
2. Andy: “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Then he grins…proud of his nifty rhyme.
3. Andy: “Am I the first boy you brought to this waterfall?”
4. Bev: “Speaking of other boys, we’ve all been teenagers, right?” Bev takes a good 60 seconds to dramatically stall in telling our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, that she was once married at a young age. She doesn’t regret it because it has made her who she is. Andy appreciates this honesty, but it does raise a red flag for him. She assures Andy that she doesn’t take marriage lightly and that she would have to consider getting remarried long and hard before going through with it. Interesting since we already know that Andy proposes to someone at the end of the show. I’m just saying…
5. Bev takes Andy to meet her family. He stands awkwardly as Bev emotionally embraces her Dad. They cry together for five minutes before introducing him to the rest of the fam.
6. The Mom gives Andy a painting, symbolizing his trip to the northwest. This makes Bev so emotional that she has to leave the dinner table. Dad rushes off to console her.
7. Dad asks if she loves him. She doesn’t deny that she feels something. Dad encourages her to not hold back, lets her wipe her nose on his sleeve and then warns that there are no guarantees in life.
8. Andy: “You have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful daughter.”
9. Bev: “I don’t ever use the word love. But I feel like I’m falling in love with Andy and that is a big deal.”

Top Ten Hometown Moments
Danielle

1. Dani runs to meet Andy halfway down the driveway in the Bethel Village Square. Dani: “You’re hhheeeeeeeeerrrrreeee.”
2. Andy tells the camera…again…that he feels they have a connection because of their history of tragic loss and triumph over the hurdles in life.
3. Danielle lives at home.
4. Andy: “You have an amazing, amazing daughter.”
5. Mom: “I’m just concerned about Dani moving to Hawaii.” Andy: “I’m giving your amazing, amazing daughter the chance to travel the world.” Dani: “If you find what makes you happy, you have to be with that.”
6. Dad lets loose on the drums pretending to be sitting in on a set with Metallica.
7. Not to be outdone, Mom wants to teach Andy belly dancing. Seriously. Too bad ABC didn’t get the group plastered beforehand, because that might have been as entertaining as last season’s Pilates fiasco.
8. The marathon photo of Dani’s parents crossing the finish line together.
9. Andy: “Coming here feels like coming home.” Note to self readers…could Dani be our black horse?
10. Dani and Andy make out…our first time to see this…with very smacky kisses.

Top Eight Hometown Moments
Tessa

1. Andy continues his streak of being the most enthusiastic greeter EVER by running to meet Tess in front of the Capitol building in DC. Very Forrest Gump meets Jenny in the reflecting pond…except with snow.
2. Andy: “How cool is this! We are in DC! There’s the Capitol. And that monument.”
3. Andy: “Tessa is a goofball. Luckily, so am I. Even though at the beginning of the show, I talked and talked about how sophisticated and mature she is, it’s important to roll around in the snow before going to meet the family. And she gets that. She gets me. I just hope I get her in the end.” (Winks at the camera and gives the thumbs up sign.)
4. Andy: “We had some great dates. I watched her try on dresses.” Dad: “What do you mean you watched her try on dresses?” Andy: “Can I have another beer?”
5. Tess’s BFF: “You appear to be a good guy. What are your faults?” Andy: “I can’t sing or cook.” BFF: “Do you see yourself in a suburb or city?” Andy: “I see myself having several homes.” Well played my friend.
6. Andy is concerned Tess is holding back. Doing dishes with the Dad, he learns that she signed up for the show for fun. The BFF and sister confirm this is indeed true.

Top Ten Hometown Moments
Amber

1. Poor Andy doesn’t have a chance to meet-n-greet Amber his traditional way because she jumps his bones the minute he steps out of the Tahoe in Sugar Land.
2. Andy is stoked to see Amber’s classroom. He sits in a little person chair, pretends to be a 4th-grader and asks Amber for a kiss. She gives him a peck and then tells the camera that she wouldn’t normally do that to her students. Good to know Amber.
3. Her kids come in to meet her. She cries. One student asks if Andy likes her teacher. He said that her teacher is very cute. They met on a special mission (What the crap?) and he saw her in a nice house…thought she was pretty (huh?) and they started talking. She invited him to meet her students. Was that necessary Lieutenant?
4. Amber asks if he knows sign language. He gives the hang loose sign and tells everyone how to say Aloha! He’s very pleased that he has educated America’s youth.
5. We find out that Amber’s parents don’t approve of her going on the show so he will not be meeting them. Her aunt MAY come, but after a very emotional phone call, LOTS OF EYE ROLLING and a consoling hug from Andy, she gets over the fact that she will not be joining them.
6. Amber then tells the audience that she is excited for Andy to meet her puppy and roommate. In that order. The puppy must like Andy or this relationship will not work.

Are you kidding me Amber? Did you, the MOST MATURE 23-year-old on the planet, just tell us that your dog has to like the guy before you date? It’s THAT important that Pasha, who pees all over your carpet on national TV, approves?

7. We meet Amber’s roommate. She’s young and hip and cute and 23. She doesn’t quite get the concept of being in the Navy and being a doctor at the same time. Andy does his best to explain, then looks to Amber for some help. She takes a sip of her Zima and tells her roommate, “See! I told you he was pretty much really cool.”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

8. As Andy tells us that the seven year gap concerns him, as well as the fact that he felt he was just thrown into a college sorority party, the aunt shows up to save the day. More crying! Yes!
9. I don’t know what all happened after this because it is when I was daydreaming about my fake hometown date.
10. I did see that he didn’t give Amber a passionate kiss. He went back to the pecking days of Old School Andy. Note to self…he never said she was wonderful, wonderful or amazing, amazing. Ah-ha!

Rose Ceremony
Andy pants into his microphone as if he’d been doing pushups in the bureau room just minutes before coming out with Our Host Chris Harrison. He tells the women that he should be true to his heart and that all he wants is love.

Roses go to Tess, Bev and Dani. No surprise there. Did anyone else hear him tell Dani that she smelled good when he gave her the rose? I’m telling you…this girl might be in the bottom two.

Poor Amber looks like she is about to hurl as he takes her hand out to the lonely bench away from the other girls. She doesn’t understand. She had the most AMAZING DAY OF HER LIFE! She wants to know why? WHY?

Andy: “You are quite a bit younger than me.”
Amber: “You said age didn’t matter in the hot tub. And I am young by AGE. But am VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE! I thought we had a connection!”
Andy: “It breaks my heart.”
Amber: “Is it because you didn’t meet my family?”
Andy: “No! Absolutely not! It was your dog. He told me he didn’t like me. I know how you feel about approval from Pasha.”

Amber rolls her eyes in the very back of her head so that the whites of her eyes show. There is snot and tears as she clings to the Bachelor: Officer and Gentleman. She starts wailing even before he closes the door of the limo. She doesn’t understand she tells the camera again. Why did she get cut?

Probably because you use the term “getting cut” like you are going through Rush at Baylor University and you just got black balled from the Kappas. I’m just saying…

Then she drops the F-Bomb. That’s always refreshing.

Andy tells the camera that the three remaining women are solid and he knows he made the right choice.

I would not categorize Bevin as solid. More like emotional. At least we now know it’s genetic.

Tess is in choppy water. She better partake of the forgo card or she’ll be out.

Dani is the one to watch. I’m thinking some serious ABC editing is going on.

Until next week!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee